I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

Thank you - it has felt like a bit of a battering at times! Yes, she doesn’t ask me
about my work or personal life eg friends so that has built resentment on my side hence my explosion on the phone. While I have many doubts about whether im a good mum, I don’t doubt that I’m an okay person. Thanks for posting.

Thank you. This, and many other comments, have helped put things into perspective .

I agree I can’t believe that the op has a blue badge for a condition that will be temp. I have had 3 strokes and cancer and as a result have limited mobility and have applied 3 times before being awarded a blue badge

I hadn’t thought of a letter - that’s actually a really good idea. I do want us to be better - I can forgive the lack of contact as I realise how hard it must be for her but I would like a tiny tiny bit of accountability from her too instead of total radio silence.

can’t believe you were in a wheelchair - that must have been incredibly difficult. Strangely mine isn’t pgp, it’s my back and sacroliac (sp) so doctors think it might last after babe is here. Glad you made it through to the other side ⭐

You sound awful! Have some compassion!! I’ve no interest in having kids and even I can understand how much she must be hurting.

i don’t want to go into my medical
history but with my previous history and this (plus badgering local council) I have one. Sorry it’s been so hard for you - it shouldn’t be. My dad has one because he has a bad foot! He is mostly fine and got it within a month of seeing doctor. I do tell him he is taking the piss.

Kindly, she is grieving the fact she does not have children. Give her space. Your situation will be triggering for her.

Your post is all me, me, me

Another one to add to my list of insults tonight - I’ve had some good ones!

enough internetting for me now.

I’m sorry OP you’re being completely destroyed here. Maybe I’m not fully objective, as I have a very close friend who’s single (in her 40s), with pretty much no relationship history and desperately wants children. I have a partner a child and I try not to mention anything about them, but our communication is 95% her talking about her work, her day and her problems. If I say anything about me/my life she’d reply with ‘oh that’s tough’ and get back to talking about her. Does your sister have a problem with maintaining relationships? It’s one thing not rubbing it in from your end but the fact that she takes no interest in your life must be incredibly hurtful.

I think the fact that she isn't actually going through infertility makes a difference to me - I don't understand why a woman who wants a baby more than anything else in life would not try everything to make it happen. Unless she has religious reasons or similar for rejecting single motherhood.

she has never been able to get past a second date. I really don’t know why - she is intelligent, funny and attractive. She is a huge introvert so I think that is what men see and a lot don’t bother trying to dig a little deeper. It is hard when it is one sided but I do need to be a little more grown up about it - I am being a bit little sister about it maybe? Your friend sounds just like my sister!!!

It was really hard and it made me appreciate what being a full time WCuser must be like as I only had 6 months of it and that was hard enough. Weirdly I think it was a good thing for me to experience emotionally if not physically.

I am sorry about your back. I have a relative with chronic back issues and they have a BB too and it is well deserved. I agree that your father is taking the absolute piss. Has he seen that he is being a total dick since your issues began?

Very gently, because I know this absolutely isn’t the case with all mothers, sometimes all conversational roads with (particularly new) mothers have a tendency to lead to Rome. You can start talking about any topic whatsoever and it seems to come irresistibly back to their children (I understand this: they are a massive part of a parent’s life).

Giving OP’s sister the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she sticks to her own work as a topic because it feels like a safe way to have some conversation/contact with OP without it getting onto pregnancy/babies, rather than because she just finds herself endlessly fascinating. What’s coming off as self-absorption might actually be a defence against feelings that hurt.

It could just be self-obsession, of course: I don’t know the woman! Just a possible perspective on the whole ‘she only talks about herself’ thing.

Yes - I felt a bit like that when I first got a pram ( not half as bad obviously!) but trying to get the train one stop turned into 6 stops because none of the stations had lifts or working lifts and had enormous stairs. Made me have huge sympathy for WC users.

ive brought up the BB with my dad but he doesn’t get it and just talks about his bad foot whenever he sees me, and has largely laughed at my discomfort eg “haha bet you won’t be having another one then!” Am very used to it - he is not a good dad (and that isn’t woe is me!).

Why are you forcing this on her? Just talk about your pregnancy with literally anyone else. Are you really so insensitive??!!!

I think a combo of both - I think you’re right, it is a safe topic as I get sick of mums talking about their kids all the time and then get drawn in. 🤦‍♀️. Some of it is a little self obsessed but this also is fair enough because she has been on her own for so long (living on her own as well) so I think you would get a little inwardly focused.

I see both sides and feel badly for both of you. I had an awful pregnancy, there is no way I could have worked through it - every night ill, anemia, leg cramps, body pains and having to go in weekly because of high risk issues. Our hormones make us feel everything so deeply and it takes years to feel ourselves again so I do understand feeling sad and that need for support.

However, I had my child really late (39) and thought it might never happen, when people told me about pregnancies I would smile and congratulate but also feel incredibly sad and depressed - a twisting darkness you can not push away. I am your sister's age now and feel sad I won't have a second but am grateful for my lovely daughter, I would be very sad if I couldn't have any kids as it is something I always wanted. Some of my friends are childless by choice and some are childless because the choice was taken away - I would not expect them to support me during pregnancy or anything child related as it is throwing salt in a wound.

I would speak to your doctor about your feelings and see if you can get a councillor or some form of support. It might not be a bad idea to suggest to your sister that she speaks to someone about her feelings - sometimes we push away pain by working around the clock and blocking it out but that doesn't really solve anything and often makes things worse.

Many people who wish for a pregnancy are unsympathetic to those who complain during pregnancy. Not because they are horrible but because they so desperately want, want the pregnant person is complaining about.

It isn’t personal.

The most important thing in your sisters life is her job. The most important thing in your life is your child/pregnancy.

Cut your sister some slack.

Eek! I now remember why I don't do Mumsnet very often.

Oh, the two are not mutually exclusive, absolutely.

There are far too many keyboard warriors on here who are often plain nasty (but probably preach the 'be kind' message in public).

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your sister to give a damn that you’ve been unwell and have had to be hospitalized. You’re a human being dealing with a serious medical issue, not just a vessel for an unborn baby that represents what she doesn’t have. If she was grieving never getting married and your husband was dealing with a serious illness, no one would tell you that you were selfish to expect a modicum of sympathy and caring from her.

I do think you didn’t handle the situation well by going off on her once she finally got in touch.

You sound awful.

Your sister has zero obligation to you. She doesn't have to support you on anything.

The fact that you are so bloody insensitive about her fertility related issues at the same time as demanding support for your fertility is outrageously tone deaf.

You say you care about her but your actions and demands sound very different. You want her as an emotional crutch rather than having a two way relationship.

I wouldn't speak to you in her situation.