I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

Of course I have but I don’t respond self-righteously with ‘I suppose you’ve never done anything wrong in your life’ when someone calls me on it.

There are boards on Mumsnet for pregnancy support / family issues etc. You have specifically asked people to judge your behaviour and now you are acting the victim when people comply with your request. This tracks with your behaviour to your sister in my view.

Did you think everyone would agree and justify your belief that you are right and your sister is wrong? If so, again I can only assume this is due to your illness.

Using her words there - she herself has said she gets obsessed with her work.

yes, maybe this is a relationship that can’t be fixed so will just focus on being civil
and not expecting too much of her re this baby.

Your pregnancy sounds dreadful, I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. It should be a magical time & I can understand how upset you must be, pain is no joke especially when it’s constant. I hope you have other people to lean on?

but gently you do have to pick your village depending on the problem. When I went through issues with my mother (alcoholism, very bad mental health & abusive behaviour, she’s through it now) the last people I would have called for support were friends who have lost their mothers, or grown up in care without a mother. Because I’m sure they would have felt like I was lucky to have ANY mother, no matter what & it would have been insensitive to expect support from those people & be griping about my badly behaved, but still living mother. Likewise problems at work, I don’t vent to people who are out of work. They would simply think - eff off.

There’s an audience for every problem but your sister isn’t the right audience at this time for this issue. You’re not wrong to feel sad but you would be wrong to push it. Her crying when she met your last baby is really really sad & I think that’s telling you enough about how hard she’s finding this. Try & find forgiveness without her asking for it, if you can.

It sounds as though your sister is going through a hard time and she probably would have behaved the same even if you didn’t have the pregnancy complications - she obviously find pregnancy/ baby things hard. I think your illness complicates things- I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t care that you were unwell but that the pregnancy is too much for her to deal with. You are expecting too much of childless person to expect that they will support you through something that they have been grieving for years for.

It sounds like it’s all about you op. You have a life that she wants to live but it hasn’t happened. Then you’re annoyed she talks about work because it occupies her and is her life I guess. People with young children often spend a lot of time talking about them this works both ways. Try and put yourself in her position.

My best friend is hospitalised for almost 9 months with HG, it’s horrific. She has to have steroids the whole time alongside her meds and fluid etc and she can’t bear the smell of anything. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen so I help out by having her DC when I can and I go and clean her house with cleaning supplies she can cope with. Even water can make her so sick she vomits blood. So you have my absolute sympathy and yes you could use the help.

The first time she got pregnant and we didn’t realise WTF was happening to her so I joined a facebook group for HG to ask some questions and get advice and one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen on Facebook was a woman in the states who had been suffering with infertility and had after years become pregnant to get HG and need a termination as she didn’t have the correct medical insurance, and she was terrified she was going to die from the dehydration so I appreciate how dreadful HG could be.

But come on, your sister would happily go through 9 months of hell for her own baby. You may have the worst 9 months but you get your baby. Your sister may not have the physical battle you’re experiencing, but she is going through her own personal hell.

There is nothing worse than a horrific pregnancy other than not having a baby you desperately want (having some experience of both myself). It's a heartbreak like none other (for some women) and although I'm sure you're having a genuinely awful time, she won't be able to see it as it's all she wants. Be kind, compassionate and loving whilst respectful of what she needs.

That last sentence is uncalled for and something you wouldn’t say to my face. I’m very sick and can’t walk - it is making me feel down but not impairing my ability to think clearly. Look at my responses to posts and then judge again - I have very openly accepted fault.

I do think you are self righteous to label my behaviour as “awful” and hope that I “haven’t permanently damaged the relationship.” your tone is judgemental - I wanted to know what people genuinely thought but some posts border on just cruel rather than cruel to be kind and yours is one of them.

I can understand how you feel upset OP.

I can also understand that your sister may find the situation hard.

If you were my sister I’d step up and support you. I’d also wish my situation were different. Both can be true at once.

Hope you feel better soon OP.

I really feel for you OP as it sounds awful and I’m sorry but to be honest of everyone you know your sister is probably the worst person to rely on for support as she’s struggling too.

As an aside when parents think people’s jobs aren’t important and they have loads of free time and energy just because they don’t have kids it’s not a great vibe either.

Bur again I’m sorry you’re struggling it’s really hard.

If you have tried your best with your sister and you still feel the relationship is one sided, I would give her space and let her be. Eventually, she may get in touch with you.Or not.

On a slightly different note, I tried for years with my brother. I would send a text and he would respond after 2 weeks, and then only to talk about himself. When we met up, he would completely ignore my son, act as if I did not have a life and just talk about himself.

After many years, I gave up. The relationship naturally broke down. I very rarely even think of him now. It just naturally came to be.

thank you - really good advice and I appreciate that I need to pick my audience. Thank you.

Thank you for these kind words. You’re right - she is the wrong person. I’m expecting too
much just because she is my sister.

Really hope your best friend feels better soon - how absolutely awful for her. Your final comments are right - I have an end in sight and she doesn’t. Well said, thank you.

So you want to know ‘what people really think’ so long as they phrase it gently and preferably agree with you. I am judging you. You have been horrendously inconsiderate to a woman you know is desperate for children. If you want to repair your relationship with your sister, you need to recognise that.

However, you have made it clear you don’t really want an answer to ‘AIBU’ if I won’t excuse your appalling behaviour so I won’t post again.

OP you've had a terrible time on here. I would feel the same as you and be hurt. You've gone through hell with this pregnancy and need your sister.

@Dinosaurhearmeroar do you have a husband??

I'm impressed. Government guidance doesn't permit the issuing of blue badges for temporary conditions.

You will get over your very difficult pregnancy.
She will likely never have a baby.
I can't comment on how she might be feeling as I have not experienced the pain of infertility. You will have TWO of what she so desperately yearns for.
You can find other people to support you.
I can imagine my relationships with my sisters would have been very tested if any one of us had been unable to have children (we all wanted them).

Just to confirm OP - is it that you sister can’t ever have kids, or is it because she’s not found the right person to have a baby with?

so sorry to read how poorly you are. I had minor HG (nothing like you) and that was bad enough. My mental health suffered too and although there’s an end in sight it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.

I also think that unless you’ve had HG/pregnancy illnesses you just don’t understand. So for your sister, as well as what’s already been discussed, she probably doesn’t understand the enormity of your pain and discomfort.

I’m interested to know - but don’t feel you have to answer - will you return to “normal” once baby is born or is the disability now part of your life?

Well done for staying strong for your baby. You are feeling vulnerable and I can see how this has come about with her. But you’re still doing an amazing job.

I honestly don't think you can truly empathise. You cannot walk in her shoes for a second. You have a child. You can imagine, but I really don't think you can recognise what she's feeling.

Some of these replies are a bit brutal! It's really not unreasonable to expect your sister to care a little. Yes, she's sensitive around the topic of pregnancy, but you're her sister and you've been having a rough time of it, she could at least check in to see if you're OK.

Can I just point out that babies won’t be babies forever. I can understand the logic around the many posts telling op she is being insensitive and not to pester her sister with her pregnancy woes but ops sister will have two lovely niece/nephews? that she could have a meaningful relationship with during her life. It may not be the same as having her own children but it could still be meaningful and important. There is a danger when making too much of a thing of not bothering the sister with the reality of her sisters both having kids that she misses out on an opportunity to still have a family in the wider sense. Based on some of these comments, ops sister is going to be treated like the spinster in the attic that no one talks to as a person.

When I had my second baby my SIL came to visit me in the hospital and was so angry she could hardly look at me. I knew it was because she was desperately trying to get pregnant but what can you do. She didn't stay long but it did break our friendship for a while (we went to school together). But not long after she had my two nieces and things repaired quickly then. It was very hard for me and for her. It is not easy but eventually things may improve if you keep that door slightly ajar.