I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

thank you for the responses. Key takeaway is have more empathy - completely get that. And yes I am “woe is me” because it’s been nearly nine months of pain and I’ve been suicidal. I think any woman in my position would struggle to find empathy when their day is so clouded by pain and sickness but I will try.

I do have others to lean on, it’s just sad as we are a v close family and she has leaned on me for support during this pregnancy about her work ( which she gets very upset about) and I have done my best to reassure and be there for her.

i think best to just leave it for now.

thanks all 👌

So she can't have children no matter how much she wants them - but you want her to phone you so you can tell her how awful your second pregnancy is?

HG is awful, as is PGP and all of the other things women go through during pregnancy, I'm not discounting that at all. But you have one child already and now you're having another baby. Which she isn't. Which she can't and quite likely won't.

I think any woman in my position would struggle to find empathy when their day is so clouded by pain and sickness but I will try.

No, most wouldn’t. Quite the drip feed.

Gosh, I read your post@Dinosaurhearmeroar and thought there must be years more of festering resentment behind this. It seems quite clear from what you’ve said that your sister would have liked to have kids, but hasn’t been able to, either because she didn’t want to without a partner or perhaps because of fertility issues. Whilst your pregnancy is of course a lovely thing, you can see how it might be hard for her too.

You are having a very difficult pregnancy and that’s hard. I think you should lean more on your partner, friends and other family members for support with that rather than expect more of your sister, who sounds like she is struggling with her own life situation. She’s your sister. You must both know each other so well. Be kind to yourself, but be kind to her too, even if she isn’t able to express openly the reasons for her apparent lack of interest. I’m sure you love each other - and that’s what matters.

Oof that’s a bit harsh. I don’t think I deserve that.

You don’t lean on someone who hasn’t been able to have kids not by choice, for pregnancy issues. Staggering you can’t see this.

I think any woman in my position would struggle to find empathy when their day is so clouded by pain and sickness but I will try.

Well I wouldn't struggle (and nor did I), knowing that it was my choice to get pregnant and have children.

That choice must feel to her like it's been taken away, and still you're being bullish, trying to almost force support from her when you have plenty from other people.

Really not nice OP.

I do feel for you, as you have this big thing going on which you can't discuss with someone you're close to. I can see why you feel separated from her, because your life has been taken over by your pregnancy-related health issues and you cant talk to her about them.

But... she must be broken hearted too. You complaining (understandably!) about the one thing she desperately wants - she can't be expected to listen or support you.

I feel bad for your sister. She is probably grieving every day. Give her some understanding. I hope you feel better soon too. With your suffering, at least there is an end point. Your sister does not have one.

I can see it, and this post has crystallised it for me. I think you could be a little gentler in your tone that’s all - I’m not perfect and genuinely looking for good advice.

This point has been made a few times and you’re right. Thank you.

Thank you - you’re right to pick up on more to our relationship but I didn’t want to go into that! Thank you for your considerate words - I’ll take them on board.

I suspect some of the hasher posters here haven't been through HG and PGP. A pregnancy like that is 9 months of torture.

However, it does end. And you usually get a lovely baby after it, even if the PGP takes a long time to sort itself out.

Infertility and the grief of not having a child thay you wanted is a life sentence though. You have to grow around that sense of loss. People who have lived experience of thay grief are not going to be kind.

I think only people who have experienced both can be at all balanced in this one.

And OP - I hope your baby rocks up really soon! Do invite your sister to meet your newborn, but be sensitive. Its going to take some time to repair the hurt you're both feeling.

You sound very self absorbed, your sister desperately want children and all you want is for her to support you through your pregnancy.
yes HG is awful, I too had it with all of my pregnancies, but really how much do you need to be coddled!

I think this thread should be titled “I was desperate for a child and can’t have one and my sister insensitively keeps on banging on about how awful her pregnancy is” . Turn to someone else, anyone else her justifiable pain is not new news to you - you mention how she felt three years ago.

I don't get the vibe that the sister isn't happy for OP, more that it really upsets her she can't have her own

My first baby died 2 hours after he was born, he had 2 boy cousins born 3 and 6 months after he died on my exes side. I was happy for each and every parent but I went home and cried about it.

If it had been my family I'd visited I probably would of gone to another room and had a brief cry.

People can be happy for other people and still get upset that they don't have that

Okay so you both have a right to your feelings. You are not in the wrong for wanting support.
I really feel for your sister though. My best friend is currently pregnant with her second, till 2.5 weeks ago I was also pregnant with my second baby. I unfortunately lost mine and had a D&C. We were due 3 days apart.
I have pulled away from her atm because how can I be there for her.
Its so hard to be supportive sometimes when what you desperately want won’t happen for you easily like it does someone else.

I will heal and go back to being that friend and so will she, but you can’t put a timeline on that for her. She’s in pain, she loves you but the only way she manages is by not talking about your pregnancy.

I know you are struggling and I sympathise. Those last months are hell and you’ve got even harder.
You both just need a time out and hopefully you both can communicate better with time.

You have to remember that you’re wanting to ring and moan to her about the one thing she can’t have. You have a child and you are pregnant the pregnancy may be shit. But she’s hasn’t got a child and she isn’t pregnant. Your basically wanting to ring her up rub in her face what you’ve got but then moan about it.

You have to pick your audience.

Would you want to switch places. Your children don’t exist and you’ll never get to hold a living child in your arms and she gets to play happy families and make you feel bad for not pandering to her over the thing that you’d do anything for? Didn’t think so. You are extremely insensitive.

You can’t make other people behave the way that you want them to @Dinosaurhearmeroar , all you can do is control your own behavior.

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but why hasn’t your sister had children? Has she struggled with infertility? I’m asking because I do know parents IRL who decided to have a child on their own after their relationships broke down and it’s working out well for them.

I think you’re both struggling and it’s best if you don’t expect too much of each other atm.

Seriously uncalled for. Have some empathy FFS.

when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

Oh that is just heart breaking.

Honestly Op the last time you were in contact was a couple of months ago & all you did was berate her.

Why should she contact you?

As for your other sister-maybe she just gets on better with her?

My brother and his wife didn't get together until they were 46. They weren't able to have children. They both go on and on about their jobs because, realistically, they have nothing else to talk about. They have no children, no pets , no hobbies and a house that needs no work . They aren't part of any groups. They go to work, have quiet weekends and then go back to work. I have children, grandchildren, friends and a very full life in retirement. I try to understand how difficult it is to have none of that when, in the case of my SIL, she really, really wanted it . It's made worse because she stayed with a man for years and years who wanted children but wasn't ready for them. He dumped her, began a relationship with a much younger woman, married her( he never proposed to SIL) and then had 2 children very quickly. OP you being pregnant must be very hard for your sister. I had HG with both babies so I absolutely understand how hard that is for you.

"I think any woman in my position would struggle to find empathy when their day is so clouded by pain"

This sentence rings very true to me. I could have written it myself, trying to find empathy for your situation. I am going through IVF currently after multiple losses.

It's not that I don't believe you're having a hard time,I can absolutely acknowledge that HG must be rough. I just don't have the bandwidth to hear about people's pregnancy issues, even though I know you must be having a hard time. You have had a hard time for 9 months. I, personally, have also had a hard time, dealing with infertility for years. Your sister will have the pain of infertility for her whole life.

It is not a competition - it is about realising that certain people are better placed than others for support in various circumstances. Your sister is not in a position to support you through a difficult pregnancy - she might be a great person to help you with other things. You obviously are not good at supporting her with her childlessness, but I've no doubt you can be supportive in many other areas.