I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

have you not read my responses? So many have called me out for being unreasonable and I have thanked them. I see no harm in being gentle while also calling someone out - it’s very effective!

i do think this has really hit a nerve with you though. Whatever it is you’re going through I do hope you’re okay and have a good Christmas. 🎄

But this goes both ways!

OP has been suicidal and the pregnancy is so debilitating that she can’t walk.

I know it’s hard for the sister but she’s still her sister and surely the sister sees babies in other places?

As someone who has experienced both infertility and HG, my sympathies lie with your sister, sorry. The pain of infertility is endless and incredibly hard to live with. HG was miserable (so miserable that at one point I almost hoped I would miscarry my much longed for baby just so I could feel normal again), but I would take nine months of that any day over the pain of longing for a child but not being able to have one.

You are framing this around your needs but please try to think of it from your sister’s point of view. Your suffering will end. Hers may never. She may well be thinking of you and wanting to support you but just finding it a little too hard to reach out right now - not because she doesn’t care about you or love you, but because this whole situation is causing her incredible pain too.

I’ve read back through and the sister isn’t infertile. So she can have a baby (potentially) but perhaps hasn’t found someone or made the decision to go it alone.

I think this is different from someone who has been trying for years or been through IVF.

apologies if I have this wrong - but OP said she wasn’t infertile.

OP have you ever openly acknowledged your sister’s pain? Sometimes one tries to avoid raising the subject because you can’t solve it for them. Just tell her you can see she is hurting and the situation must be very hard for her. She may be screaming inside for people to see how bad it feels.
Then if there is an opening ask if she’s ever thought of Artificial Insemination, that you’d support her if she chose that path. Etc etc.
Just a suggestion. Good luck

I think you’ve responded well and taken on board the comments.

I worry that so many posters are so harsh - especially when OPs say they are/have been suicidal.

She can’t be the person you want her to be. Accept her for who she is or it will damage any chance of enjoying each other’s company. I’d choose to be you over her any day because my children are the greatest joy in my life and worth every bit of suffering.

Understand both sides ..sister longing for her own family .. both sisters have children.
Your struggling with pregnancy and feeling let down it's a tough one .
Your sisters mental health will take a battering too x

Horrible situation for both of you. I think she’s probably just trying to self-preserve, which is reasonable, and talks about her work all the time because she wants to be in touch but it feels like the only ‘safe’ topic at the moment. Obviously this is making you feel as though the relationship has become one-sided, and I don’t think you’re unreasonable for feeling that way, but consider that hearing about her work is far less upsetting for you than hearing about your pregnancy is going to be for her. She probably thinks, rightly or wrongly, that she would kill to have your worries.

I think you just need to accept that she is never going to be equipped to support you in this particular area of your life. If you want to withdraw a little from the relationship because of that, then obviously that’s your right. I can understand why it might cause resentment in you. I hope you’re feeling a little better than you have been, OP. It sounds like you’ve had a rough trot and I hardly think you’re some unempathetic mumzilla for your feelings. It truly is harder to summon empathy when we are suffering and in pain.

I see both sides to be honest, and it comes down to the fact that both of you have big issues that are not of your making.

Your severe illness in pregnancy, her childlessness. So as a result you are both very self absorbed. She has thrown herself into work and made that her identity as a way of coping but you dont have anything that you can do to to cope with your current health problems so are being more "woe is me". Whereas she is thinking "FFS, you have everything I have ever wanted, surely feeling like shit for a few months ss worth it to get the baby in the end?!" and probably doesnt understand the reality of HG and PGP (I assume its that? I had it and it had me in a wheelchair so I do get it). Lack of empathy on both sides.

I would suggest that a letter in which you apologise for losing it with her and for not appreciating how difficult a time it must be for her when you are pregnant, would be a good start. Then explain that while you understand why, it hurts that she pushes you away at a time when you really could use some love and support and it all came out in a way that you really regret. That you hope that you and she can reconnect and that you love her.

See what happens then.

Your sister is dealing with not having kids and she's in mental and emotional agony. She is not in a headspace where she can support you.

I hope your health improves. I had central lines during 2 of my pregnancies for fluids so I get where you're coming from too. Good luck.

You've had a rough ride on this thread OP. I'm not sure why you're supposed to shoulder all the responsibility of being empathetic and supportive when your sister isn't willing to do the same.

I've been there 3 times with hg, hospitalisations, SPD, baby complications etc etc, you have my full sympathies there. You are nearly at the end of this long dark road. You're a very strong person and this will make you more so. Well done on surviving it.

Your sister isn't the one to lean on, she's hurting deeply. You're entitled to feel sore about it but don't take it personally. We all have our struggles, this is hers.

I cant speak for the OP but I started with PGP when I was 29 and now, at 52, I still suffer pain from it. Its not as bad as it was, there were times for the first ten years that I was off my feet for several days but didnt get any help or support from doctors. It can be lifelong. There was a website back in the early days of the internet called.....cant remember, was something like Parents UK or UKParenting or something. One of the regulars on there ended up committing suicide as she was in so much constant pain in the couple of years after her chids birth and the doctors couldnt/didnt do anything to help, this was about 1999 ish. That is very rare but its yet another "womens problem" thats has been swept under the carpet for far too long.

Thank you for this, that’s really kind. She is single, not infertile. X

Agreed. There's absolutely no need for a pile on here. Sometimes we all need to help to see things from another perspective when we're in the thick of it.

Seeing as the OP is clearly struggling and yet taking on board advice and other views, it's unnecessarily unkind.

She sounds horrifically selfish and jealous. You're probably better off without her in your life at the mo.

Fancy being busy feeling sorry for yourself instead of congratulating a woman whose just been sliceed in half!

It’s a hard one - I can see it from both sides. It definitely would have been nice for her to check in but it sounds like she is suffering. I can sympathise - I cried on a weekly basis for about 6 years just worrying that I wouldn’t meet the right person and have children before my biological clock ran out. I was super lucky and had my little boy at 34 - I think by 40 I would have been a complete wreck and would have struggled to move past it without therapy. I’m sure it would have affected my relationship with my friends that have children. If she does desperately want children she’s probably thinking she wishes she had your problems and is struggling to sympathise. I completely get how rotten and miserable you’re feeling and feel for you - but she is probably seeing it from a completely different angle.

I have - we used to live together and would have many conversations about her singlehood (less about kids as she was in her 30s) but the conversations continued on the phone to both me and mum as we both moved out due to careers, moving areas.

I suggested sperm donor and going it alone but she got very offended and cried a lot. I think she still holds that against me as she saw it as me essentially saying she won’t meet someone. It all runs quite deep.

Thank you. I am going to give her space and stop being resentful towards her- your response (and others) have really hit home about what it’s like to not have children when you so desperately want them. I think also my own experience is marring my empathy - this pregnancy has been awful and with my first I suffered from severe PPD so motherhood, for me, has been extremely difficult and coloured my view of it if that makes sense.

Hi OP, I rarely comment on threads but after reading the absolute battering you've had on here I thought you'd appreciate some kinder words!!

Yes it won't seem fair to your sister that you've got what she's always wanted and issues like this can easily cause resentment, but unfortunately life isn't always fair.
But that doesn't change the fact that everyone goes through hardships and sometimes need a kind word or two, I noticed you said she never asks about your work either and it's always about her? Not having children isn't an excuse for her not providing an interest and support in any aspect of your life.

I read your post as someone who's going through a seriously tough time physically and mentally, what you don't want right now is to consistently hear your sister talk about herself. It is okay to feel that way and you're not a shit person as so many on here would make you sound!

oof! I see your point but it’s too harsh about my sister. I wouldn’t say she is jealous - that’s too simplistic a word. Wanting children feels deeper than that - it’s primal. I understand her feelings and I now understand why she cried when I was recovering with a new born. While it wasn’t what I needed (at all!) I do get why she cried.

When you're as sick as you've been , it's really hard to see the other point of view. You're not wrong to be prioritizing yourself now and to want support when you need help with simple daily activities. But right now you can't be there for her nor she for you.

I hope at some point you can rebuild your relationship.

You need to lean on someone else. Surely you can see she is the last person who wants to hear your pregnancy problems? She sounds like she is really struggling, really sad.

Of course it is hard for you in your situation and you need support - but you need to look elsewhere. Hopefully things will settle down later on and your relationship can get back on an even keel.

Nah - its like a millionaire complaining how hard it is to go pick up the cheque to someone who is penniless.

She'd like your problems.

You are self absorbed.

I say that as a mother with sisters who haven't had kids.