I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

And you "suggested a sperm donor" you are not very sensitive are you?

You’re right, it is hard, but someone with four kids who tried for a perfectly average amount of time referring to infertility is hard to read. I know it isn’t your responsibility, but as someone who is 4 years, 3 losses and 6 cycles of IVF down, reading someone with four naturally conceived kids calling themself infertile just doesn’t land easily. The OPs sister probably just feels that it hurts too much to engage with her sister who’s pregnant, regardless if her reason for not having children is medical or just the way life has fallen for her. For many people not being able to have children removes your ability to look at things sensibly - I’m a really pragmatic person day to day but anything in this area just triggers my emotional responses beyond what is reasonable. Maybe OPs sister is the same because it’s such a triggering topic for her.

I am truly so sorry for all you have gone through. I didn’t mean to be insensitive I was just trying to point out your exact same point. Someone who wishes to have a baby may not, simply cannot, be able to deal with someone who is currently pregnant. So that’s why I was trying to point out to the OP.

Of course I do not now consider myself infertile but at the time, it deeply upset me. After our loss we tried to conceive for over a year so then we went to the GP who sent us for many, many tests. They then diagnosed us as having ‘unexplained infertility’. So that’s why I used the term. Quite honestly losing a baby for anyone is upsetting, even if we then go on to have children we don’t forgot that loss too.

That’s very true, we never forget, and I’m sorry for your loss and that you had to go through the testing process, it’s horrible. I’m sorry for being
over sensitive to the topic and can also empathise hugely with the OPs sister because I also find it hard to be happy for others, much as I want everyone to have their babies and their happy ending it still stings.

The tests were awful (for the woman in particular). Some were so painful, the dye through your tubes in particular, with no god damn pain relief, I honestly walked out and sobbed. My thoughts towards people who were falling pregnant around me were (privately) just unkind. I think it’s impossible not to be over sensitive on this subject when you are on the other side, I never could. I truly hope you get your wish one day, life can just be so damned unfair.

Have you suggested sperm donation? Although if she can’t cope with a little puppy how would she manage a wilful toddler🤷‍♀️

Your sister sounds like an emotional vampire. Guilting you when you were recovering from the birth of your older child and in a vulnerable state emotionally was low.

She's being an utter knob.

Stop trying to coax some human sympathy from her. There isn't any there. I'd consider going very low contact with her from now on. Of she contacts you, cut her short when she launches into her job related woes. You owe her nothing.

Seek support for yourself from your wider circle.

I wish you well as you struggle to the finish line. You're probably counting the days. Can you get an elective CS instead of going on to the bitter end?

This is why men will always dominate us and oppress us.

We clearly hate each other too much for our own good.

Half the people posting have mis-read your post. I think you meant that the uncaring sister said all she wanted in life was being 43, single and no children. Others are reading that all she wanted was children and calling you heartless ! Maybe clarify???

If it's pelvic girdle pain get treated by a practitioner on this website (NHS don't treat it so you would have to go private). Getting treated transformed both my pregnancies for the better. www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk

I am. I don’t think it was particularly sensitive of her to go and have a cry when I was a week
postpartum, recovering from an awful c section where I lost a lot of blood and baby wasn’t breathing so no skin on skin etc. I was then separated from her again to be treated as my temperature had dropped - in shock they think.

many people have said it’s sad she cried meeting my new baby - yes it was but time and place quite frankly
and I stand by that. In that moment it was about me!

the suggestion of going it alone has been proposed by my family as well as we know two women who have gone it alone because they rly wanted children. My sister wants the whole package - the husband, the house and the kid. Sperm
donation has not been mentioned again. Here’s another thing of how “insensitive”
I am -
I have mentioned my pregnancy issues to her ONCE in these 8 months.

ny sister has no clue that I am being looked after by a perinatal team and seeing a perinatal psychiatrist to keep me from breaking completely. I have empathy for her and will practice more given all the advice on this thread but I am still hurt about her not checking in just once. oNCE!

Oh and to add - I’ve been there for as long as this has been an issue which is years. There is not much more you can say or do when first dates don’t go into second dates after 15 years of it. She’s alway struggled with dating and I have listened to her for years. Over time it then took on more meaning as it meant no husband and no kids for her. Still
i listened. Now she only talks to
our mum about it - not because I told her I don’t want to listen but because there is nothing new to say.

@Dinosaurhearmeroar Hmm. Do you have any idea why her dates don’t go anywhere? It’s def. unusual to never have a second date-is she v. intense or not good at listening to other people?

That’s so odd! Has she NEVER had a 2nd date? Is this by her doing or the men just don’t want to see her again? I literally don’t know anyone in their 30’s/40’s who hasn’t ever had a single long term partner…

Not all women who want children treat their sisters this way. 2 of my sisters had fertility issues. One never had children and one did after many years. Both were wonderful and supportive and involved in my pregnancies. But your sister isn’t infertile, she just hasn’t chosen to get pregnant, right?

Never had a boyfriend ever. Longest relationship was about a month five years ago but I don’t think they did anything beyond kiss.

she has had men ask for second dates but she didn’t want to take it further and vice versa - asked for second dates but men have said no. At the family’s encouragement she has gone on some second dates but she really didn’t want to as she had made her mind up about them.

Not infertile, just hasn’t met the right person and doesn’t want to go down the sperm donation route etc.

when she met my sister’s two babies it was joy all round (one was born only a few months after mine) so something about me seems to be a trigger. Perhaps because I’m the youngest?

That and time ticks on. My sister has no children and it is a great source of sadness for her and the family. To begin with it was just wrong person, wrong time etc, then life moves on. She is now early 40ies and for medical reasons it would be ill advised, but she isn't in a relationship anyway. So when I had my first 15 years ago her feelings would have been very different to how they would be if I announced another pregnancy now.

I understand her sadness.. but I was happy for both my sister when she was pregnant and gave birth to her babies… she didn’t even know about my partners fertility issues as we only told my parents, so there was no treading on eggshells around me …
Some of my friends knew which sadly looking back did mean that they didn’t share details of their pregnancy with me.. but I find that sad, as a friend I would have been happy for their joy and supporting through any hardship… Later my brother and his GF fell pregnant and by then they knew about our struggles as we’d separated after our fourth IVF attempt and that point I told my siblings …. I was happy for my brothers first arrival, even flying out to where he lives to meet baby.. I always felt the sadness of it never being me, but was always overjoyed for others… The only time I cried was when I finished work and drove to the hospital to meet my sisters 2nd child and on arrival I was met by a rather abrupt nurse telling me I wasn’t allowed in as visiting hours had finished! My poor sister had to wheel her newborn out and sit in a corridor so I could see my dear little niece…
Anyway years passed and I finally fell pregnant with another partner after 3 years of trying… on telling my siblings my brother who already had one child was absolutely awful and I’ll never forget his awful response to my happy news… as it was I was throwing up 24 times a day and signed off, so his reaction was upsetting and I wish I’d just let our mum mum tell him! He’d apparently been trying for his second and because he and his GF both smoked were struggling to conceive… but this was my FIRST after a total of 8 years of trying with 2 partners who had fertility issues.. He later did have a second child and I was gracious despite being desperate for second baby myself (which never happened)
in the meantime my younger brother and his wife were overjoyed for me despite the fact they didn’t have any children and were suffering several miscarriages (Nono of us knew).. she even arranged a baby shower for me… and I love my SIL so much.. always happy for others despite her own struggles….
Some people are just so engrossed in themselves that they can’t be happy for others… I’ve since gone no contact with my brother for several things him and his GF did over the years…
How involved is your sister as an auntie ?

You don't sound very close, and you clearly both have issues.
You really can't insist your sister is supportive of you, she may have deep regrets about not having children which makes it impossible for her to be supportive.
You need to see it from a wider perspective.