I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

I think the relationship might just be a bit strained at the moment because you are pregnant and she's unable to have children, despite desperately wanting them. Obviously, it's hurtful for you especially as you are struggling. Hopefully when the baby arrives she can adjust and you can both move on.

You have the one thing that she wants and can’t have. Utterly tone deaf to berate her as you did. Have some of the compassion you’re asking for on here.

I don’t think I am asking for compassion? I am taking the comments on the chin and realising my behaviour has been unreasonable. Some of the comments do have a rather headmistress like tone and i feel like I need to self- flagellate to atone but that’s the internet for you.

Is your sister unable to have children like lots of posters are suggesting or is it a didn't meet the right person until too late situation? I think it is quite different if she's been through/ going through fertility issues and loss or if it's just something that never happened.

Sorry if it wasn’t clear - she isn’t infertile, she is single and has been for most of her life.

?? Because I want this baby

When someone is going through the pain of infertility/not having children for whatever reason, they are going to be extremely sensitive to you sat there complaining about your pregnancy (no matter how valid!) this is not the type of relationship for that. I think you need to accept she is not that person.

My sister wasn’t very nice to me when I was pregnant and having children and she was struggling through years of infertility. After she had children she still wasn’t very nice to me because, well she’s a bit of a tricky person.

Throughout the years and years when she didn’t conceive and lost pregnancies, I didn’t have any expectations of her. She never asked about me, I didn’t tell her. I figured whatever I was going through, it wasn’t as hard as what she was going through. I think you are being a little bit inconsiderate. To complain about a pregnancy would feel like a smack in the face to many including your sister. Pick someone else to moan to.

She calls you and you go off on her? Really most people would tell her to go LC with you, which it seems she has.

You need to understand that pregnancy talk is painful for those desperate for kids who don’t yet have them.

I appreciate you are having a hard time. You have my sympathies for that. Motherhood is a blessing but pregnancy is fucking hell.

I can only speak from my own experience but my sister is my rock. That bond is not something I’d comprise. I kind of empathise as I had kids before mine and she had infertility for a while. It was incredibly hard not harping on about my kids/pregnancy so I do understand. But you have to have empathy for her (hard when hormonal I know!!)

But how is all fair on the first born? You cant force someone to check up on you so if you are going through so much trouble focus on that

sorry, OP, it sounds absolutely shit for you.

But your sister is clearly distressed about not having a child of her own, so you have to find a better solution than expecting her to support you.

I can imagine it’s very hard for you OP … when we’re struggling, we seek support from close friends and family. But just as you wouldn’t ask a person struggling for food to help you cook a feast they’re not invited to, and you wouldn’t constantly moan to someone desperately seeking employment about your struggles getting a promotion at work, your sister is not the right person to lean on for during this pregnancy.

It’s important to recognise when others can’t pour from an empty cup, and to look for support elsewhere.

As a HG mumma i really feel for you. It’s really rough and hard, I don’t think I’ve really got over it.

However I’ve also got secondary infertility and anyone pregnant I really struggle to be around.

I can see both sides here. Your sister isn’t in the right place to help support you, she won’t understand how hard HG is and she will be hearing you complain about something she really wants. It will be hard for her to be present give you what you need.

I think you need to accept she won’t be a good supporter in this chapter as she’s protecting her mental health. You need to find this in other people.

It’s also ok for you to feel hurt and unsupported by her. However she’s also got a similar if not worse battle than HG going on.

Well she needs to get herself down to the sperm bank then.

YABU and have a major victim mentality. How are you expecting her to support you when exactly?

It doesn’t matter if she is single or infertile. The fact is that her life’s objective is to have a baby. It would be hard enough for her if she was 33 and desperate for a baby. But she’s 43. It’s likely not happening. She must be grief stricken and totally broken. It must be very, very hard to hear you complaining about your pregnancy symptoms. And I say this as someone who suffered similarly to you in pregnancy with horrendous symptoms. You are looking to the wrong person for support. You will get better when your baby is born. She is condemned to a life without what she most desperately wants. Sorry, but yabu. I would take my HG, sciatica, pregnancy complications and premature delivery any day over not having had a baby.

I think pregnancy hormones may have played a part so you can’t see things properly. It’s really just to avoid the pain to herself when your sister refuses to talk about your pregnancy. Work sounds like a distraction to her otherwise it’s even more unbearable. I know you want your sisters support as you are suffering but she simply doesn’t have the capability to in this case. It’s not that she doesn’t care or love you. A drowning person just can’t save another drowning person.

YABU

Don't think you're unreasonable at all. Yes she has pregnancy issues but I think if someone hasn't been ill and vomiting during a pregnancy for a long time and experiencing what that can do to your mental health and day to day life then they shouldn't comment that you are being harsh! I was sick this pregnancy until 20 odd weeks and every day I was still thankful it wasn't HG like others have but as you say you can feel suicidal, depressed, it's awful. Regardless of being pregnant help from your sister or at least a message to see how you are would be nice!

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her.

I agree with others that you need to find a way to accept that pregnancy/childbirth woes are something you need to look elsewhere for support. It's perfectly understandable that you want your sister's support on something so big but she's also human and she's just not the right person to provide that.

But there's obviously more to the overall relationship issues, and I think that's something to look at when you're not in what sounds like crisis mode. It's perfectly fair to want your sister to reach out sometimes, but how you went about this was probably counterproductive. Rather than starting a conversation and telling her how you felt and what you were needing you just stopped calling to see if she would, and then when she did actually call you got angry... there was no right response to this secret test you set up, and she ultimately got punished for doing what you wanted. When everything calms down a bit talk to her about how you feel in terms of things being one-sided, and then listen to how she feels. Maybe she's just oblivious. Maybe she keeps things focused on her life because that is the only way she sees to keep the conversation off of pregnancy/babies. Talk to her and see if you can each come out with a better understanding of each other.

She’s desperate for children. It must be a huge emotional struggle to be around pregnant people and watching them have what she wants.

Give her a break and be more compassionate.

Wanting children and being unable to have them wrecks you. I don’t underestimate HG, a good friend of mine spent most of her first pregnancy hospitalised, but I’d trade an HG pregnancy for my 5 rounds of IVF (3 fails, 2 losses) any day of the week. She’s most likely distancing herself because being around you hurts too much, and she’s right, it’s her issue. If you choose to take it personally that’s a you issue.

Sorry not quite sure what you mean- my first born or my sister (first born!)?