I’m pregnant and sister won’t support me

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I’m expecting my second baby in Jan and this pregnancy has been utterly awful - I’ve had HG where I was signed off work, it ruined the summer, I lost weight and had to go to hospital for drips. Second trimester I was back at work but still being sick in and out of my lessons (I’m a teacher). Entering third trimester has me signed off again with agonising back and hip pain and I’m on crutches (also anaemia, sick from acid reflux most nights). I have support from a perinatal team but ultimately I just have to get through this which seems impossible right now.

sister part - I have two older sisters, the eldest being 43, single and without children. It is all she wants in life according to her. Both my other sister and me have children already which stings for her - when she met my now 3 year old as a newborn while I was recovering from a very painful c section she had to go into another room to cry.

as a result, her life is mainly about her job - she talks about it a lot and can get quite obsessive. When we do speak to each other it is often about her job and never about mine or my pregnancy. I know all her office politics and key names but she knows nothing of mine.

I got a little fed up of this and decided to stop calling her (it was always me ringing her) to see if she would call me. After about two and a half weeks she did and I just got really cross with her. Told her that the relationship was really one sided, that it’s unfair that I listen to her about her job and she barely asks me about mine. Pointed out that I was having an awful pregnancy and she had never checked in with me about it. She said that the pregnancy thing was her issue and not mine, but it’s quite hard to not take it personally?!

we haven’t spoken since (October) and in that time I have been signed off again, crutches and mental health taken an absolute battering. I also compare her treatment of me to my other sister and think she lets other sister get away with things she wouldn’t with me.

im sure I’ll get roasted (or maybe not) but AIBU to expect my sister to send a text to just check in on how I am? If it were the other way round I would 💯 check in on her even if we were at loggerheads.

I really feel for anyone who can't have children and desperately wants them.

I think you're being tone deaf here, OP, but your sister also needs to accept that women do get pregnant and have babies. It sounds like she needs some professional help coming to terms with life not panning out the way she hoped or take difinitive action and try going it alone without a partner. She's going to risk a lot of friendships and relationships otherwise, but you probably need to find someone else to talk to about your pregnancy.

I think you underestimate how much her lack of a family is affecting her.. she took herself off to privately have a cry when you gave birth to your first child, you are fully aware of how she feels and do seem quite dismissive of it.

Saying that though, I have a sister a little like this, she admits she gets jealous about certain aspects of peoples lives (often because she only sees what is happening on the surface) and she purposely won't ask you anything about it because she doesn't want to hear about it, it feels a bit stunted as you have to avoid the subject and can't commiserate your losses or celebrate your wins with her about that certain topic, if you bring it up she will go quiet or change the subject, I accept it because I love her, but as a result I'll never be close with her as it is too hard to have a proper honest relationship.

So I understand why you feel the way you feel, but the fact that her lack of family isn't an active choice she's made is different to just being jealous, I think you need to look for support on that particular topic from other people who don't find it hard to be supportive of you.

fair enough - I shouldn’t expect it of her, it isn’t fair. You are right though - she has lost friends / has strained relationships because of it.

I agree!

Pardon? Are you trolling me? The pregnancy was planned. Women with hyper emesis are 8x more likely to experience suicidal
thoughts/ ante natal depression (NHS).

despite it all I was still able to be a good mum because, who would believe it, but women can have mental health struggles and still look after their children. I’d love to hear you say that to all the new mums with PPD.

I’m glad this post has helped you see sense. Your sister was so upset about her lack of relationship and children that she cried when meeting yours and then you tell her off for not checking in after two and a half weeks (which is no time really) and talking about her job all the time even though you know that’s all she really has in her life. I understand you’re having a hard time but you have others to lean on and don’t need to rub salt in her wounds

Sorry - this was to a post who had suggested I should have had an abortion, and then doubled down saying how could I be a good mum to my first born if I was suicidal. It has now been removed.

Yep, thanks - I’ve got the message loud and clear. Look at my responses.

Maybe asking for support from people who aren’t desperate for a baby would be the better choice: your partner, mother, friends, other sister, colleagues….

YABU & incredibly tactless.

Well I was told I was likely to need ivf to conceive in my early twenties. I would never let it show but it used to really upset me inside seeing pregnant woman or talking to them about pregnancy.

I was a cabin crew and remember once feeling a huge pang of sadness seeing a young baby on the flight thinking I would never have one. Little did I know I was pregnant with ds1 at the time.

I had HG during both pregnancies so I can understand how awful it is but I would have a bit of empathy for your sister.

Being sad about being childless doesn’t mean you get a free pass to not care about other things. Empathy goes both ways. You’ve been given a really hard time here OP

I get that it is probably because your illness has narrowed your life to how unwell you feel but you are being jaw-droppingly insensitive here.

You have multiple people you can lean on but instead you choose to insist you should be entitled to support from a woman you know desperately wants children but who is having to come to terms with not having them. Wow.

Your ‘test’ of whether she will call if you don’t call her (which she passed but not in the ‘right’ way apparently) was also downright nasty, as was your response to the call.

Hopefully your sister will be prepared to attribute your awful behaviour to pregnancy hormones / your illness and you haven’t permanently damaged the relationship.

Great advice. Thank you.

Agreed. Why does your painfully childless sister have to support you in this? You have others for that!

You sound completely self absorbed, poor me poor me, I need everyone to feel sorry for me, but also when called out for the words I’ve used, I’m the best mum in the world and I’m amazing at everything.

Your sister didnt get you pregnant, your partner did, so he shoud be the one to support you.

Second, your sister is having a hard time wanting a baby of her own, and dont want to hear you bangging on about you and your kids all the time.

Tbh i dont have kids and i wouldnt want to hear someone bang on about OH im pregnant, its all about me , support me, ffs your pregnant not disabled.

OP have you read threads on here where someone is earning £80k a year and moaning that they can’t afford to live?

Yes they should be allowed to moan but at the same time - read the room.
They choose to work a job that requires a higher tax rate etc and it’s insensitive for those who don’t have that choice.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong.
You need to be sensitive and she needs to be more empathetic/less selfish.

It is not your fault that she doesn’t have a baby and people without kids do not realise how difficult pregnancy/kids can be.

But you’re also fully aware that she wants a baby and to her you moaning is like moaning that your diamond shoes are too tight.

I would be the bigger person and apologise and say you did not realise how much it affected her and that you’ll talk less about your pregnancy to her. But that you also would like her to make a bit more effort of contacting you as you feel it’s very one sided.

I don’t think I’ve been awful. We have a lot of history and you are seeing a snapshot of our relationship. Yes I suppose it was a test but I didn’t really think of it like that - I just thought I’m going to stop calling as it’s always me doing it. And yes while she doesn’t need to ask about the pregnancy she also
doesnt ask about anything else hence why the conversation always revolves around her work.

while your words have truth to them, they could be a little kinder. I have not come on here for a character assassination- I understood that by putting myself
out there I would be open to criticism but I thought some of it would be constructive and not just a bit of a pile on. Your message is fairly self- righteous. I suppose you’ve never done anything wrong in your life…

Goodness me. What’s happening here? The acidic vitriol is melting my phone! What a load of nonsense. “Poor me poor me?” “Best mum in the world?” “Amazing at everything?” Utter lies.

I don’t think you are entitled to say you would do something, if the boot was in the other foot, if you have no experience of how she is feeling.

That’s not really what I’m doing. I have only spoken about the pregnancy with her once. I have empathy for her situation but I also would love if she woukd text me once in a while to check in. If that’s selfish so be it.

and “ffs” I have a blue badge now because of this pregnancy.

I can see both sides. You want her to care more about the fact you are so unwell, she probably struggles with what she, admittedly unfairly, sees as someone “moaning” about their pregnancy when she has so desperately wanted that for herself. Things people are unhappy with in their lives can lead to them having tunnel vision, they can’t see the full picture, just the part where the other person gets the thing that they so desperately want as the end result.

Nothing that you can say or do is going to suddenly make her change how she feels, so I think your best bet is to lean on other sources for support and accept you just won’t get what you need from her on this.

Sje doesn't want to discuss pregnancy and children as she struggles with that. What's so hard not the understand about that?

Honestly, it sounds like neither of you really care much about each other. You talk quite unkindly about her job calling it an ‘obsession’ despite recognising it fills a void. She struggles to see you enjoying a side of life she hasn’t fulfilled but you don’t seem to care.

On the flip side she hasn’t called or asked after you. So I have to conclude neither of you are particularly invested.

You’re having your second child and having a child of her own is all she wants in life, more than anything. She’s handling it in the only way she can, by temporarily separating herself from pregnant people and babies. Try to be understanding, your situation is causing her intense pain mentally

After years of infertility I understand that. I went through similar with my sister when I was attempting intrusive fertility treatment whilst she didn’t even need to try. We’ve only discussed it recently after nearly 7 years and put it to bed. We could both see the others side eventually, however at the time, being distant was the only way to get through