We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

I would take her at her word and leave her to get on with things for a while, she's being ridiculous.

She's unhinged. Your DH was at hospital with a child and she expects him to drop everything to help her?

Why couldn't she call SIL? Or a neighbour? Or friend?

I would enjoy my free Boxing Day if I were you.

(I feel sorry for her dog & hope it's OK, but that's on her. I never had a pet I couldn't lift on my own, for just that reason. And she could learn to drive.)

I’m betting this is not the first unreasonable request she has made (hence you offering to pay for a cab etc)
i would take her at her word and not visit on Boxing Day
she also owes her son an apology for her behaviour whilst he was at a hospital appt with his child
and what a weird comment about appts not being a man’s job
she sounds quite unbearable

SILs work couldn't be disturbed, but she was willing to interrupt DGs hospital appointment??????

Leave her to stew on Boxing Day

I'd stop all contact with her, let DH handle his mother. She is unhinged

She was panicking about the dog. That doesn't make the way she spoke to you ok, but it does explain the motivation.

If the dog's died, it could have been traumatic for her and be the cause of her still being angry, as seeing an animal suffering is horrendous for an owner and grief can show as anger. But if she got him to the vet, he's fine and she's simply raging that she had to think for herself, bollocks to her.

Either way, it's not your problem and I'd say let her spend Xmas either by herself or with another family member. She might be more contrite by then - and if not, oh well.

9/10 she’s actually really nice but she ALWAYS does this kind of thing. Some kind of sudden urgent request and if we can’t do it she goes mad and then won’t talk to us for a few weeks. We are happy to help with planned things it’s when she has an emergency (which happens a lot and she usually calls dh by his name but when these emergencies happen she goes all ‘I need MY SON’ dramatic) .

Selfish woman. Leave her to enjoy her Boxing Day alone and have a nice family day instead. It's awful about the dog but there ARE taxis which will take sick animals to and from the vets, what does she think pet owners without cars do?

I can see that's a nightmare for you OP, and from what you say she seems over dramatic and it's very hard to be constructive when people are like that. Could she be in a panic because of the dog and therefore acting unreasonably? I honestly don't see what you can do beyond what you did (the offer to pay etc all seems very reasonable). Have to say though that I'd take the Boxing Day as a free win and not go!

Nutjob. Let your husband deal with her.

She's not nice, she's asking unreasonable things and goes no contact when she's told no. She's immature and manipulative.

Your SIL could have helped her with the dog. Or a neighbor. Or a mobile vet, of you have those where she is.

She's going to have to figure out how to do stuff herself.

Sounds like you've got a nice relaxing Boxing Day coming up, OP 😉

But obviously she will change tack and get upset when she realises you've taken her at her word. Such fun in the lead up to Christmas 🙄

Sounds like she was panicking and needed help. Poor lady, I feel for her. She wouldn’t have been able to get a taxi to take a sick dog and most vets won’t make house calls. What happened to the dog?

Fuck her.

Leave her to it. She is clearly used to people around her jumping when she gets in a panic and has no idea how ridiculous and unreasonable she is being. Was the message to you or your dh? If to you i would reply 'i am sorry to hear that you feel that way but what you state is not correct. If you genuinely don't wish us to visit on boxing day then of course we won't come. '

People that do the dramatic 'I'm not seeing you then' on Christmas day or birthday, or some event, think everyone is going to spend the day being miserable without them. When the opposite is usually the case.
It's usualy used in the anticipation you will say how sorry you are and after alot of negotiation you are invited back but only for the sake of family and because they are the marytar, bla, bla, bla.
The best reaction is take them at their word. Enter into no conversation about it and just do your own thing. Anytime they say in the future how terrible you are ot being there, just say it was them who made the decision.
People who do this just love the drama and attention. Best ignore it.

You're going to go to her on Boxing Day aren't you.

I would have responded to that text with 'im truly shocked to hear that, as discussed DH was uncontactable as at hospital with GC! But I understand that the dog is more important to you than GC, so thats fine. See you in the new year'
But then I had a news years resolution to meet crazy with crazy, so.

from your update it sounds like she is a decent person who goes into a massive panic over certain things and can’t regulate her own emotions/ responses. I’d ignore her behaviour, carry on as normal as you can and see how things are in a week or so.

That doesn't sound "really nice" to me, OP - I had one of these myself - but the simple answer to the taking back of invitations is to say very calmly "oh we're sorry about that; we were looking forward to seeing you" and then leave it at that

IME engaging with the histrionics doesn't work and just creates more angst, so make your boundaries clear, stay calm and leave her to work it out

Won't it be lovely to have Boxing Day to yourselves now?

Taking kids to appointments isn’t a man’s job? 😂 she’s a dick. My reply to being uninvited on Boxing Day would be “well thank fuck for that”.

I think the best response will be absolutely no response at all. Sweet and continuing silence. However nice someone is most of the time, this kind of dramatic manipulative crap is horrendous - I have several family members who specialise in it and I have finally learned not to jump/fret/acquiesce...my cortisol levels are much healthier as a result!

"9/10 she’s actually really nice but she ALWAYS does this kind of thing. Some kind of sudden urgent request and if we can’t do it she goes mad and then won’t talk to us for a few weeks."

So leave her to her weeks-long sulking as usual.

I'm sure she's had the scenario explained to her by both of you. What else can you do? Let your dh deal with her.

I can’t work out if she just can’t plan things well and panics genuinely in emergencies or if she’s manipulating us ? She can be fine for weeks or months then we get these issues . In some ways I’d like a year off from the Boxing Day get together so maybe this is the ideal opportunity!

I agree with this. Calm, pleasant detachment from the drama is the way to go.