We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

Your 'solutions' were shit and she got frustrated with you. Understandable if her dog was very ill.

If her dog was that ill she could have disturbed her precious daughter.

YANBU. I could understand her being under a lot of stress and acting irrationally when she was worried about her dog. I think she showed what she really thinks though with her comment about appointments not being a man's job. It's not the kind of thing that comes from nowhere during a panic. It sounds like she thinks you should be running around after her precious son so that he can prioritise her.

They don't sound too bad to me. But I know I can get an uber to the vet with no problem because I've done it frequently. Somebody who doesn't take their animal unless it's at death's door might not know that.

What solutions should she have offered?

Maybe, but I wonder if he would have reacted the same if it was her son offering the same shit solutions?

Does she have no friends or neighbours that would help?

Other dog owners?

Awful woman.
I hope she apologies to you, and I don’t think your DH should go round there until she does.

But what other solutions were there ??!

I don’t drive so I couldn’t have taken her after collecting my youngest . Dh was quite far away and wouldn’t have been able to leave the appt anyway.
The only viable options were SIL, a taxi to vets or a vet visit plus I offered to help with payment for taxi / vet!

What are you talking about - OP's solutions were both comprehensive and kind.

The only solution that MIL wanted was her son to drop everything and do the vet visit - which was not an available solution because he was with his own child at a hospital.

And she wouldn't even entertain calling her other child to help.

She wasn't responsible for providing any solution.

The fact the OP offered several, at her own expense, was above and beyond the call of duty and they all sound eminently sensible to me.

What would your solution have been?

FIL is the same. He manufactures crises, which to him are genuine. I do believe in my heart that he truly believes that what is going on is a crisis and is urgent, but then when a real crisis emerges it's hard to tell if it really is extremely important. It's the boy who cried wolf. A tale as old as time.

Has she phoned to see how her grandchild got on at the hospital?

Dh spoke to her , her dog is still at the vets seems he has either eaten something he shouldn’t or has some kind of stomach issue. She told him she is upset as she needs her family and that I don’t respect that he has a family who were around before I was on the scene and that he should treat her equally. He told her that she needs to stop being so dramatic and either build her own support network or realise that as much as we do help sometimes we can’t and the dc are his priority. She told him he’s welcome on Boxing Day now but not me !!!! (He won’t be going)

No !

No FIL on the scene I take it?

She's being very unkind to you. I hope DH sees that.

Enjoy your boxing day with your little family - I hope your little one is ok - I wouldn't engage with her until I got an apology

Quickly, before she can change her mind and re-invite you, book non refundable tickets to something really nice on Boxing Day like the panto or the zoo or something.

Then when invariably she does the bare minimum to allow you back for Boxing Day unfortunately you’ll already have plans.

She told him she is upset as she needs her family and that I don’t respect that he has a family who were around before I was on the scene and that he should treat her equally.

What a load of bollocks!

A you say, sometimes you just can't help.

Would she have called your husband if he was at work?

Oooh lovely Boxing Day walk, get a flask of hot chocolate a nice picnic (I’ve done sausages and kept them in a food flask before now and had hot dogs) wrap up warm. Sounds like the best day

No she was a single parent to dh and SIL and hasn’t had any relationships

This sounds lovely, might have to try it.

She's absolutely deluded! Does she really think that your DH will go on Boxing Day leaving you at home? She's a very spiteful woman in my opinion. She puts herself and her dog above the wellbeing of her own grandchild. I wouldn't forgive her for that.

She's really shown her true colours now so you can stop making any effort with her.

I am slightly baffled. If you don't drive so therefore couldn't either get her and dog or swap with husband at the hospital what did she want you to do?

Good news about your DH's own attitude to this, @Greyspiders; you hadn't mentioned what this was and it's very positive

Good news too that he's not prepared to play silly games about going on his own

Not such good news that she hasn't asked about her grandchild, but having been there I'm not really surprised. To a mentality like this you need "punishing" and there's not much to do but leave her to it