We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

Some people just go to pieces when there's an emergency, sounds like she's one of them and your DH is usually her emotional crutch.. I'm a dog person so would probably overlook the nonsense about appointments being gendered etc as it being said in frustration and panic of the moment.

But I would also take her at her very word and stay away on boxing day, unless she contacts you to apologise.. in fact I'd probably make alternative arrangements of some kind, you did your best to help her, but it's not your fault neither of you could physically be there.

Was the dog okay do you know? If the dog is seriously ill or died I'd take a different view on it and I'd ring her to see if she was okay because I'm a big softy when it comes to animals!

Your husband was at the hospital with his child.

He needs to ask her what she thought he should do. Abandon his child at the hospital, walk out of the appointment with his child, something else?

Nobody should apologise to her in any way, shape or form. She needs to be told that she was being ridiculous.

And she needs to work out how she sorts her own dog out. Not being able to drive does not mean you can just push the demand on to other people. You don’t drive, you find another solution.

And ‘some people just can’t deal with emergencies’ is irrelevant. Again, these are her problems to solve.

Hope your DC is fine after hospital. If she does not ring to apologise and ask how they are, do not ask after the dog

Just offering another perspective but I am mildly autistic and I can be like this. Especially if it came to my pets being in trouble. I literally cannot help it and I am honestly a really nice and reasonable person! It then takes hours, if not days, for me to get out of my funk. I really cannot help it. It's like something takes over my brain. You said she is lovely 9/10 except in times like this. It's just another theory, anyway.

Book something really nice for you all to do on Boxing Day and enjoy her tantrum. Xx

It sounds as if it's maybe just you that has been uninvited to boxing day, do you think so? Would dh go without you? Or will he back you up that you've done nothing wrong and the dis - invitation is mad?

So she can't possibly disturb SIL because she's working. But instead she feels your DH is fair game and he's expected to walk out of your child's hospital appointment?!

Does she not care about her grandchildren?

In an ideal world he'd tell his mother not to be so rude, that appointments are not your duty as a woman and that you are not keeping him from helping her. He should make it clear that she has been horrible to even suggest it.
A straight talk from him would undoubtedly have more impact than anything else. Whether that happens or not...who knows? I suspect most men enjoy the wonderboy status if their mum gives them one. Are they willing to rock that boat? Dunno...

She sounds terribly performative and totally unreasonable here. It's like a partner who is lovely most of the time but then 10% of the time is so awful it makes you wonder if the relationship as a whole is actually worth the effort.
You and DH have done nothing wrong - I mean there was actually nothing your DH could have done. She is very unreasonable. I'd also take her at her word and give Boxing Day a miss if she feels like that!
I also hope the dog is OK though.

What’s your husband like with her when these things happen? Does he explain how unreasonable she’s being and that it’s not ok to speak to you like that? Or does he give her a pass like nothing‘s happened to keep the peace and it’s all never called out..?
I wouldn’t be going on Boxing Day without an apology and an assurance it won’t happen again. And I’d expect my husband to have my back.

I would honestly tell her fuck off.

I have 2 teenage sons. I’m fully aware that they won’t be at my beck and call going forward. When they have their own families (if they do) then they will be busy with that.
I would help out a friend/ neighbour/ colleague/ family member with an emergency if possible but you tried and couldn’t. You were doing school pick up and DH was at a hospital appointment.

All I think you could have said was try SIL and if you still need me after the school pick up I can come over and help.

Long term she shouldn’t have a pet that she can’t lift without a contingency plan.

I would just not mention Boxing Day again and hopefully you can just do your own thing.

YADNBU - it's your MIL who is the unreasonable one here!

I feel your pain though OP. An elderly relative once rang me, telling me they had decided to give up their dog, and I needed to take the dog to a rescue centre. Relative said to me "you'll have to be quick, because they close in 45 minutes"

At the time, I lived 45 minutes away from this relatives house, and the rescue centre was another hour away.

Needless to say, I didn't go, and said relative was off with me for weeks afterwards. 🙄

A poorly pet would have me freaking out but I like to think I would behave a bit better than she did!

She needs to apologise for the way she spoke to you, absolutely unreasonable things to say, panicked or not no excuse.
I would make other arrangements for boxing day.

If the dog is aging she really needs a plan.

My dog's final trip to emergency vet was 10 miles at 1am in a massive thunderstorm. I couldn't have been waiting around for a ride.

I would argue that if she is always doing this sort of thing, she can't be really nice. She was really rude to you and blamed you for not doing the appointment because, apparently, it's woman's work. I'd be really pissed off about that and wouldn't see her on Boxing Day, even if she changed her mind.

Why couldn't she disturb her daughter at work when she has no problem interrupting your DC's hospital appointment?

"Hi MIL, I hope DDog is on the mend soon. Shame we won't see you for Boxing Day. Perhaps we can catch up in the new year sometime. Love OP."

She might well be the sort to panic over stuff but there is zero excise for the manipulation and the nasty comments.

I would leave her to it and not even answer her calls a few times I think.

Ooh what lovely plans are you going to make for Boxing Day?

Why are you trying to work it out - what reason would there be that would make her behaviour acceptable? She can't emotionally regulate herself, I've a mother like that and have done years of why is she/can I do something to help/what did I do wrong. Answer is nothing - I am sure she will feel the impact of you not being there on Boxing Day more than you will? Don't go running to her, take her at her word that you are not welcome. That's what I did with mine the last time when she gave one of her dramatic proclamations. Best thing I ever did.

I would reply “ok” and not make any more effort with her until she offers up a grovelling apology. I know the dog was sick, it’s stressful, but she was given options including calling her other adult child for help rather than attacking you and continuing to harass her son who wasn’t in a position to help her at the time.

Make sure whatever you do on Boxing Day instead, you have a lovely time.

Agree, she needs training. She has got used I would assume to saying what she wants and their being no consequences. I'd have nothing to do with her for the you should be doing the appointments comment!

To be fair, she does have a contingency plan: she has family that live fairly locally and are usually able to help. It was bad luck that it wasn't possible on this occasion. Maybe she needs multiple contingency plans!

If the dog is aging and this may happen again, it's perhaps worth a call to the vets to ask what they would recommend in this circumstance. They might say that they would do a home-visit, or they may be able to recommend a sympathetic local taxi company. (In our village, I bet a post on the local Facebook group would find a lift.)

I think the big worry is whether the demands for help will escalate as she ages. I know someone who ended up with his mother ringing him 30 times a day. So I think you do have to start training her that you can't always help.

Maybe once she's calmed down and the dog is okay (hopefully) she will think to apologise.

Presumably if your husband was not at the hospital he would have been at work, the same as his sister.
I am amazed as a GP, that she wasn’t more concerned about her grandson.