Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

551 replies

Greyspiders · 10/12/2025 16:27

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

OP posts:
OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/12/2025 17:59

lanthanum · 10/12/2025 17:58

To be fair, she does have a contingency plan: she has family that live fairly locally and are usually able to help. It was bad luck that it wasn't possible on this occasion. Maybe she needs multiple contingency plans!

If the dog is aging and this may happen again, it's perhaps worth a call to the vets to ask what they would recommend in this circumstance. They might say that they would do a home-visit, or they may be able to recommend a sympathetic local taxi company. (In our village, I bet a post on the local Facebook group would find a lift.)

I think the big worry is whether the demands for help will escalate as she ages. I know someone who ended up with his mother ringing him 30 times a day. So I think you do have to start training her that you can't always help.

Maybe once she's calmed down and the dog is okay (hopefully) she will think to apologise.

Show quote history

They aren’t contingency plans; they are her only plans.

ForMyNextTrickIWillMakeThisVodkaDisappear · 10/12/2025 18:00

Greyspiders · 10/12/2025 17:05

I can’t work out if she just can’t plan things well and panics genuinely in emergencies or if she’s manipulating us ? She can be fine for weeks or months then we get these issues . In some ways I’d like a year off from the Boxing Day get together so maybe this is the ideal opportunity!

And now you can enjoy Boxing Day without her completely guilt free. I’d call that a win for you. Does she ever acknowledge that she’s been an unreasonable, unpleasant nightmare? Does she apologise? I would say the dramatics are manipulative.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 10/12/2025 18:01

What does SiL do?
Is it a job where you can’t leave without a replacement, like surgeon, paramedic, teacher?

Some people do lose the ability to think straight in an emergency, but that’s doesn’t then become your problem. You were trying to offer solutions. She should have been listening and working out her options with you.

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 18:03

Take the boxing day dis-invite as a win.
She sounds, nasty and abusive.
I would be blocking her number.
Why are you tolerating her speaking to you like that?
Not normal behaviour from her.
Not normal behaviour from you to tolerate it.

Hankunamatata · 10/12/2025 18:05

She sounds hard work

Silverwinged · 10/12/2025 18:05

Greyspiders · 10/12/2025 16:40

9/10 she’s actually really nice but she ALWAYS does this kind of thing. Some kind of sudden urgent request and if we can’t do it she goes mad and then won’t talk to us for a few weeks. We are happy to help with planned things it’s when she has an emergency (which happens a lot and she usually calls dh by his name but when these emergencies happen she goes all ‘I need MY SON’ dramatic) .

Show quote history

She sounds like my mom. I never figured out why she did it. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around her explosive temper and often felt guilty for not being there more for her, but sometimes it was impossible and I really needed to get things done in my own life.

usedtobeaylis · 10/12/2025 18:06

Sometimes parents don't seem to grasp that their childrens' priority is their own children.

I hope she apologises to you when your husband points out what an absolute tit she is.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/12/2025 18:07

Silverwinged · 10/12/2025 18:05

She sounds like my mom. I never figured out why she did it. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around her explosive temper and often felt guilty for not being there more for her, but sometimes it was impossible and I really needed to get things done in my own life.

Show quote history

Ex’s DM was also like this. Was like she needed everyone running around after her to feel loved and reassured. Even if that involved emotional blackmail or tears or histrionics. Pushed me the other way. Calm detachment is the best way to deal with emotionally incontinent people like this.

Ladymeade · 10/12/2025 18:07

I'd consider it a let off and enjoy Boxing Day 😁😁

Dollymylove · 10/12/2025 18:08

Being banned from.visiting your MIL sounds like a good result imho 🤣🤣

Luckyingame · 10/12/2025 18:10

toomuchfaff · 10/12/2025 16:39

I'd stop all contact with her, let DH handle his mother. She is unhinged

Exactly.
Sure there will be posters bleating about an old mum at Christmas and all this crap.
Their age doesn't give them the right to audacity or stealing time and energy from others.

TheatricalLife · 10/12/2025 18:12

Absolutely agree with the calm detachment.
Say no problem to Boxing Day and wish her a good time. Don't offer solutions or try to make peace. Let her fume on her own over nothing.
She was being absolutely ridiculous obviously. Expecting him to leave a bloody hospital appointment is so entitled, especially when someone else has kindly offered to pay for transport or vet bills. You can get home visits and you can get pet carrying taxis-it just involves actually making an effort and not expecting the world to revolve around you.
My gran was very similar and we all used to just ignore the silly tantrums and leave her to get on with it, but not give in. There was always something she wanted again in a week or two and up she would pop pretending she hadn't been spectacularly rude.

Sassylovesbooks · 10/12/2025 18:14

Your husband needs a very stern word with his Mum. Yes, she had an emergency with her dog, which is upsetting but she was given several perfectly reasonable solutions - all of which were dismissed. He wasn't available, and that's unfortunate, but he can't be on stand-by 24/7 in case she has an emergency. You aren't stopping him from helping her, he wasn't available to help. She owes you and your husband an apology. As for Boxing Day, I'd have a family day at home, take your MIL at her word!!

Daygloboo · 10/12/2025 18:14

Greyspiders · 10/12/2025 16:27

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

She probably got very stressed because of the dog being ill. People can be funny about that sort of thing. Maybe ,given time,she will see how silly she has been and apoligise.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/12/2025 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WingsTingle · 10/12/2025 18:16

Wow, what a cow - bet you’re ‘really’ sad to miss Boxing Day at her house 🙄

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/12/2025 18:16

Jeezo, take the selfish, melodramatic old bat at her word, I would. Dont go over on Boxing Day for starters, and let your DH gp deal with his mother going forward. She would have lost me at the appointments not being man’s work comment tbh..

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/12/2025 18:19

Daygloboo · 10/12/2025 18:14

She probably got very stressed because of the dog being ill. People can be funny about that sort of thing. Maybe ,given time,she will see how silly she has been and apoligise.

Show quote history

It would have to be a major, grovelling apology. The dog being ill does not justify how she acted. Thats just indulgent nonsense. Her DGC was at a hospital appointment so her son could not come. She wanted a dog put above her DGC. That’s truly vile. Panic or not.

Daygloboo · 10/12/2025 18:27

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/12/2025 18:19

It would have to be a major, grovelling apology. The dog being ill does not justify how she acted. Thats just indulgent nonsense. Her DGC was at a hospital appointment so her son could not come. She wanted a dog put above her DGC. That’s truly vile. Panic or not.

Show quote history

Yeah but in a blind panic people dont think straight. Especially where a helpless animal is concerned. Im not justifying it , I'm simply saying what I think might have been behind the behaviour. She's feeling helpless coz she's stuck and cant drive, the dog is helpless coz it's sick....cue blind panic.

thing47 · 10/12/2025 18:29

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/12/2025 17:27

Anyone who thinks that a child’s hospital appointment is less important than a pet is no loss to you. Even more so if they are the child’s DGM. What a vile person.

Thank fuck someone has said this. If my MIL was more concerned about her dog than her grandchild, she wouldn't be seeing much of said grandchild.

FamingolosForDays · 10/12/2025 18:33

Have a lovely free boxing day OP 🤪

TidyCyan · 10/12/2025 18:34

The comment about appointments not being a "man's job" tells me this is learned helplessness from letting A Man take over in an emergency. Is she widowed or divorced?

diddl · 10/12/2025 18:41

It does sound as if the don't visit Boxing Day is aimed solely at Op.

So her son is at hospital to attend an appointment with her GS & she calls repeatedly even though she knows he can't answer, thus worrying him!

So I'm curious to know what would have happened if he was at home about to pick up youngest from school!

SockFluffInTheBath · 10/12/2025 18:52

Did she know DH would be otherwise engaged? FIL always has a catastrophe when he knows we have plans for something nice (not that yours was nice).

TorroFerney · 10/12/2025 18:53

Daygloboo · 10/12/2025 18:27

Yeah but in a blind panic people dont think straight. Especially where a helpless animal is concerned. Im not justifying it , I'm simply saying what I think might have been behind the behaviour. She's feeling helpless coz she's stuck and cant drive, the dog is helpless coz it's sick....cue blind panic.

Show quote history

Well she needs to learn to manage that , I get being panicked but how does being panicked then make you say something horrible unrelated to the dog?