We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

So how is she expecting Boxing Day to pan out? DH arrives at her house, having left you home alone for the day? With or without the children, I wonder?

Is she really expecting him to turn up? Will it be a surprise when he doesn’t?

Ah - makes it slightly easier to understand her difficulty with a transition to accepting DH has his own family now. He's been her default 'partner'.

DH and his sister need to have a sit down chat with her though about the future because she's only going to have more needs not less, so some good boundaries and some distinct emergency contingency planning should be thought about and decided now.

I guessed this would be the case - she’s leaned on DH for years as the “man of the house” and not built other support networks.

She would ideally have asked a neighbour to help with the dog, but I wonder if she’s not built that sort of relationship with the neighbours as she’s relied on DH instead.

Her son has two children at school though so he has obviously moved out a while ago!

Perhaps doing as much as he can for her was the wrong thing to do?

I understand it though!

Pleased your dh has a sensible head
What did she want you to do? She's going on about it but what were the solutions she provided?

Wow, I hope you, DH and kids aren't visiting then!
She's selfish.

You do not need this manipulation OP..She is out of order and has no respect. People will only treat you as you let them. this time stand firm ,fuck her and let her learn a valuable lesson the hard way. Do not contact her again,let her stew in her own mess and then let her learn the hard way she has no right to behave like that.

It wasn't the OPs problem to solve.

Honestly OP I wouldn't sweat it! You tried to help she went batshit at you and of course your DH priority is his child's hospital appointment!

I would take it as a blessing in disguise you can have a chilled boxing day now, let the children play more with their toys and nibble leftovers til your hearts content whilst she clearly stews.

I've also been put in the big bad DIL camp apparently I'm controlling because DH says no to her! Best thing I did was to stop caring what she thought or did in relation to me I tried for years!

She sounds awful. I don’t know how you can describe her as ‘lovely’!

The total lack of logic is doing my head in.
You didn’t MAKE your DC have an appointment/ your DH take them
if the person she had wanted to contact was actually her own husband, she still wouldn’t have been able to get hold of him at the hospital, and you wouldn’t either. (Quite apart from the fact that of course DC comes first)
if the dog had been your own family dog there would still have been no other solutions than taxi, home visit, or ring SIL
What exactly is it that you are supposed to have done?

To make dh abandon the hospital appt to help her !

Well until today I just thought she was a panicker in emergencies but she’s crossed a line !

FFS, so she's made it all your fault then? Cheeky mare - yes, that's definitely manipulative! 😠 And it's priceless that your DH asked after her dog, but she didn't ask after your DC! 🙄
I'm so glad your DH stood up to her and also has your back. Have a lovely Boxing Day doing whatever you and your family enjoy doing OP! 😊 (I suspect that MIL will come to regret her behaviour rather quickly.)

MIL, is that you?

Clearly your DH is 'Her' Prince and she is jealous of you and the relationship you have with your DH and the fact that he chooses you (and your DCs) but she is just seeing you as the baddie in all this.

You are the one who has 'stolen' her prince away from her and frankly she will never quite completely forgive you. Seems she tries and is successful most of the time to be nice to you (as she probably knows that this is the correct way to behave) - as you said she can be usually fine - but when a crisis happens - you are the villain.

Good on your DH for standing by you - as he 100% should.

Honestly, how on earth has she made it your fault? And to demand to be equal to DH’s children is ridiculous.

I think you should trump her stupid un-invitation.

“Good, I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than come to yours on Boxing Day after the way you have spoken to me. You have been entirely unreasonable and frankly I hope I never spend a Boxing Day with you ever again. Don’t try and make your son choose between us because he will always put me and the children first, so it won’t end well for you.”

She's VERY lucky to have you as her DIL OP. You need to know that. You're being very patient and you have done nothing remotely unreasonable, she's sounds incredibly difficult. A lot of women would have told her to 'do one' and gone NC with her.

This is exactly it. My Granny was like this to my Mum and unfortunately the mask slipped as she got older and she just became more and more openly horrible to my Mum. It basically ruined our relationship because I just didn’t want to visit her anymore and hear her be so awful about my mother.

That is totally batshit MiL behaviour, OP. Enjoy your Boxing Day upgrade! x

Good grief, she sounds unhinged. I totally agree with other posters. Just enjoy your own Boxing Day without her.
I hope her dog is ok, but that’s on her (our local taxi service is very happy to transport unwell pets, as we found out last Christmas. )

Better yet, book a break somewhere for all of you, leaving Boxing Day and returning 2 January. Let her stew in her own juices all week.

She thinks she comes before his wife and kids and is trying to force a wedge between you.

He's going to have to set her straight and show her she can't have fits because she's trying to make him the man around her house and that's just not possible now. He has his own nuclear family that takes priority. She's got some learned helplessness and dependence going on and that's going to have to stop.

He shouldn't go to hers at Boxing Day, that would show you're not united on this.. She's mad at you because he was at the hospital with his kid. That's nuts.

They often do in the end, @Greyspiders, and it can cost them dear, but that's something she'll have to work out for herself if she doesn't want to be a very lonely old lady

Another thing you might want to look out for is "coolness" towards you from others she knows, if out of spite she starts blasting off about you to them.
It happened to me too, and though MIL was exMIL by the time she died there were a lot of apologies from those who'd come to realise what was really going on

Basically you can't "talk someone out of" this kind of thing; all you can do is maintain boundaries, remain firm but polite and shut it down

Of course yanbu. If you’re giving us the full context of the story……