We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

In this instance she was probably panicking about a sick pet, but seeing as this is a regular thing and seeing as she's taking it out on you personally (not either of her children, one of whom is apparently to important even to be disturbed) I'd consider it a win not going round to hers on Boxing Day! Fewer opportunities for her to treat you like a servant to her and her children ✌

It does sound like she panicked and then tried to blame you for her overrreaction. Would the vet not have come out to her? Mine always will, particularly if it's a larger animal that's gone down and is immobile. I bet she didn't even ask them to, she just assumed her darling son would rush to her aid.

A bit of matter of fact 'sorry we and DGC won't see you over Christmas' and then radio silence. If and when she finally gets in touch, her son can read her the riot act about expecting him to be a pseudo-husband to her when he has his own family to think of.

She was distraught. Unable to drive.Unable to lift her dog.
But she could have foreseen the potential issue when she might need help to get the dog to a vet. Many taxis will take a sick pet. Or animal ambulances.

Maybe she just wanted to make you do something. Or doesn't want you on Boxing Day !

She should be better prepared though.

Sounds like she was panicking and needed help. Poor lady, I feel for her

So would I if this was a one-off and a result of genuine upset, @Querty123456, but OP's said she has a lot of form for this

And that's why I suggested remaining calm in the face of it ... no need to create any more unpleasantness than there already is, but no need to pander to it either

Take her at her word and dont go.

Christ, no thanks. She's a little crazy. I realise she'd have been in a panic and worried for her dog but it's sometimes not possible to drop everything and go and being at a hospital is a pretty darn good reason not to be able to get there! She needs to have in place some sort of plan for future emergencies.

OP, you did everything you could, she just didn't want to hear the solutions. Sit back, enjoy boxing day without having to run around and enjoy a lovely family day.

She could have called her daughter.

I hope not. She owes them an apology.

OP says she has form. They will go if they are summonsed I'm sure.

Plan something else for Boxing Day and leave her to her sulking. She was obviously very worried, but she did have other options that she refused to entertain and that was her choice. No excuse for a strop and flounce, I’d just ignore it.

what was the outcome for the dog?

I think ignore MIL, but take her at her word & stay away on boxing(whenever) day, give yourselves some peace & I hope you have a lovely time without her.

I'm reading that in a sneery like tone...maybe you didn't mean it that way.

Anyway, what if she does? Most families contain cherished arseholes don't they? Dh needs to have a word with his mum.

I can’t work out if she just can’t plan things well and panics genuinely in emergencies or if she’s manipulating us?

You'll soon find out if you choose to go with the quiet "Sorry we won't be seeing you" and then leave the ball in her court, @Greyspiders

If the next call is a sudden "health emergency" it'll almost certainly be manipulation - especially if she refuses medical care saying only her son can help - and if it's not then it probably won't be

Sounds like poor emotional regulation to me. Fine when things are going as planned but panics and lashes out when things are out of her control. I can relate because I can be a bit like that myself. She could do with some therapy and maybe anti anxiety meds to help her cope when things go south. No excuse for talking to you like that though. I’d definitely steer clear on Boxing Day, it’s important she knows that if she lashes out and cancels things then you take that seriously.

Oh just saw your recent post...you did mean it that way.

Happy days! Enjoy Boxing Day in your own home!

We don’t know yet . Dh is going to call her later to find out

She sounds like a needy, entitled pain in the neck. Just don't go since she's told you not to.

I can't stand weak ninnies who think they can commandeer others, especially men, when they get into situations of their own making.

Will your husband back you up or will he be one of the "ignore to get along, let's still go on Boxing Day" types we see here so often?

She's so lucky to have someone like you who is lovely, when many of us would just complete ignore her and have blocked her a long time ago!

You have the patience of a saint. As above, stay calm and ignore her completely until she comes back and apologise. While she's sulking, she's only punishing herself.

It's beyond cheeky to expect YOU, and her son to drop everything but not wanting to even contact your SIL - she can't have been that panicked if she made that choice. Good luck, you have a handful of a MIL from hell here!

Anyone who thinks that a child’s hospital appointment is less important than a pet is no loss to you. Even more so if they are the child’s DGM. What a vile person.

Flaming hell - she sounds unhinged. Let her crack on.

This sounds a good approach so long as dh will actually say, “do not speak to my wife like that ever again”. I’d want an apology or I just wouldn’t go on Boxing Day even if re invited.

dh mum can be like this but dh has put boundaries up and he liaises with her so it’s in him not me. We both work full time but dh is 90% from home so does more childcare (teenage dc) and I’m sure mil is unhappy he does the clothes washing. Works for our family though. Good luck!

Surely if you had been doing the appointment, your husband would have been doing the school pick-up, so still not available?

Has she expressed any concern about how grandson who needed a hospital appointment?

Hope the dog's okay.

Enjoy Boxing Day.

She’s rather obviously being ridiculous. Why has she got a dog she can’t lift? Leave her to Dh. She owes you an apology for her stupid comments about you stopping Dh doing whatever.