Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

All weekend because they might have to work? Really?

So you ought to be smart enough to make the best choice for your children : staying with lovely family or staying with stressed out dad who might have to ship them off to family with no warning because of work.

Perhaps he should organise his life and his business so he can participate more in family life. As his wife, I'd be talking to him about what we can do to achieve that, perhaps changes that need to be made so we're not so reliant on his business or investing some of the money he currently takes out in training up someone to cover him.

However, the current situation is that he is needed in his business at weekends and there is a suitable solution to enable her to have her weekend away, him to attend to his business, which they're all reliant on, and DC to be properly cared for.

OP seems to not want to make the usual arrangements to make a point. She needs to have a think about what that point is. He can't change things overnight.

Isn't the solution simple then? You have the option to take on well paid PT work, which would mean he can take less out of the business and invest it in creating a management structure that means he can be covered at weekends.

A female CEO would be expected to hold the fort for the weekend 100%

Expected by whom? I used to know a female CEO, she had an au pair living with them. I can imagine many people at C level or comparable jobs would do similar if needed.

I think even potentially messing with your spouse's livelihood to make some point, that he has to be the single parent while you go away for the weekend, is really off.

Your spouse is the sole provider for a family of 5 and that is a very stressful position to be in. He's also a business owner who feels responsibility for his employees and their livelihoods. You know he often goes in to put out fires on the weekend.

Way to make his life a lot harder while you fuck off for the weekend.

Great. Then there's nothing stopping you from being a digital GP, working flexible hours from home and helping contribute to the family finances?

Most 4 and 5 year olds are in school/nursery full time 9-3pm. So for the majority of the day you have one, well-behaved, child to look after?

How on earth do you come to that conclusion? Maybe the OP had to become a sahm because her DH's job wasn't compatible with her working? Maybe she wanted to become a sahm, who knows? Her DH is still required to parent his own bloody children!

I don’t want to work whilst my children are young. That is my choice. It is also the preferred option for my husband.

I in no way could work remotely AND adequately care for my two year old. It would be a dereliction of duty on both accounts.

Ok, so DH is working all hours to support your choice.

You genuienly think OPs husband would step up if she did this?

A choice you are only afforded because of a DH who grafts his arse off.

And it's insane that you're having to defend that choice. On Mumsnet!

You said you expected to go back after ML...

Of course you'd need childcare, like everyone else.

I agree the dad is losing out because he's having to do both parent's share of providing meaning he's not availble to do the fun side of being with his family. That's what happens when one parent opts out of financially providing for their family, the other one is forced to step up and shoulder the full burden at the detriment to their fun family time.

OP if DH has 50+ staff he is not self employed. It sounds like you are so far removed from having any interest in what he does, how he feels and the pressure the business puts on him that you have no capacity or desire to support him.
From what you tell us, I'd say you should be helping him more and not the other way around.

Haha busted 😅

And then I experienced motherhood and changed my mindset. I now want to be the one caring for my children day to day. Of course I am extremely grateful to be in a position to do so.

I also question what "We are certainly not rolling in it. He pays himself a fair salary and we are comfortable" looks like if OP could happily sacrifice a GP's salary.

5,4 & 2?

well it’s case closed on who has the harder job then.

so to all those handmaidens on this thread who’d made assumptions and sympathised with the poor menz, now you know, no job in the world is as hard as solo parenting 3 kids under 6 24x7.

for me, no amount of money in the world (assuming you’ve got the needs covered) would be worth a life of this much angst over one weekend away. What’s the money for if you never enjoy it.

If your family are fine to jave them are you wanting them to stay at home out of principle?

But not enough to recognise that its DH's commitment to his business that enables that? And you did say you expected to go back after ML.

You need to talk to him about how you as a family unit can change things. Throwing a tantrum and refusing to make the arrangements you usually do, so that you can go away, isn't the way to do it.

There probably are changes needed, but it won't happen overnight and you'll have to contribute in some way too.

As is she to support his.

Totally disagree, sorry. SAHM to 3 children (with 18m gaps) was the easiest job I've ever had.

Some parents do seem to struggle with parenting, but I always wonder why if they find it so hard and don't enjoy it, they opt to be a SAHP rather than working outside the home.