Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

A choice he is only afforded because she parents 24-7. It cuts both ways.

I suppose the principle is that dh can organise himself to not be relied upon when we go on holiday or when he goes to a sporting event at the other end of the country. He should therefore treat my weekend away similarly. He can absolutely block out that time. I understand financially this will have an implication but the kids need to be prioritised.

You've never answered why you don't want them to go to your family. It seems like it's just to be difficult.

I really wish this was a female only space. It’s such a shame that mn has been infiltrated by misogyny.

You don't sound grateful. You sound resentful and like you're deliberately trying to make his already difficult life harder on a matter of 'principle' as some kind of petty powerplay.

But I get the impression some of the posters deriding MY choice for doing what I think is best for my children are women

Do you actually believe this BS? That parenting 3 young kids is the hardest job in the world? How can it be when kids needs and behaviours differ so greatly. You know someone invented that line so that SAHP could feel like rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

I'm sure a SAHP with 3 young children who have additional needs is a more difficult job than say a GP. But looking after 3 "well-behaved" children, two of whom will be in full time nursery/school, is not a more difficult job than working FT as a GP, lets be honest.

That’s what happens when one parent opts out of parenting. The other one has to shoulder the whole burden.

I'd much rather be managing 3 young children than running a department of 50 people, let alone being in overall charge of the business with everyone dependent on me.

No she would just get her mum or employ a nanny. That's what women with demanding jobs tend to do. I don't know who you know...

You are absolutely entitled to make your choice, with the compromises it will require, but it's unclear why you're being so difficult about this weekend.

Hardly. He's having to work all hours because she's chosen not to. She's free to work and use the raft of childcare options available to them.

Because I believe if dh can carve out time for holidays, sporting events etc then he should also be able to do the same to care for our children. Yes, there will be a financial implication as he will have to pay a specialist overtime but that’s just the nature of the beast. The children have a parent who is, in theory, available. Dh should be the default not my siblings/parents (dh is Irish so his family are not an option).

We live in the same town as my parents. We specifically bought close to them as I knew I would need occasional help. I do the majority of care but my parents and siblings are also a massive support. My children are the only kids in the family - they are absolutely doted on. I’m extremely lucky. It won’t be forever as my siblings will soon be having kids I’m sure.

He's capable of looking after his own children alone.

If he has 50 employees, he can get someone to cover him.

If he manages to go away on his own holidays, then it is possible.

Yeah I literally care for pregnant women so I'm privy to their plans etc. Most women in very demanding jobs of that status have a nanny or rely on family for childcare. They aren't doing it all themselves by any means.

I don't understand the logic at all. On one hand they are claiming that it is impossible for those working to take on any form of parental role, whilst at the same time stating OP should get out to work. Surely by that logic her DC would then be totally abandoned?

Given he has already said he suspects he will have to go in, that you accept this does happen at weekends, I would just do what you regularly do.
He is not 'getting out of looking after his kids'. He suspects he will be at work. He probably wishes he wasn't and could have a whole weekend without checking his emails etc. But he cannot. He is permanently 'on call'.
He may well be more than capable of looking after his children. The OP says he does when he is not working. All he has communicated to her is he thinks he might have to go in.
I wouldn't get het up about it.

So you're suggesting that if OP worked he would suddenly have a competent work force and wouldn't need to work at weekends and would instead parent his children? What are you basing this on?

He is permanently 'on call'

Except when he has his weekends away...

No but he could more often pay for the specialist cover OP has said is necessary when he goes away.

That seems like a very straightforward solution to me.

You made your choice, which was 100% of the home and children while your DH does 100% of the providing. It wouldn't be my choice for various reasons, but it's yours and DH’s and that fine.

The problem is that you are now trying to shift the goal posts. He already has the (far) larger load, and now you're trying to make him do your agreed job in addition to all of his own. And you have other options available to you

Sorry why should it be a female only space? I've been a SAHP of two young children (1 & 3) in the past after splitting maternity leave with DW. Imo experience that time was sigificantly easier than working FT. Granted not everyone has it that easy, but some do, hence you can't say it's the most difficult job in the world. My opinion is just as valid.

Also it's funny how you cry misogyny when so many are jumping on the default position of slagging off the OP's DH. A guy who probably works harder than most ppl on here slagging him. He also contributes to the housework as OP admitted.

But let's not have a range of opinions folks, let's just berate men and their failings, and pat OP on the back for being a super awesome mum. She's only an awesome mum through her own efforts, and none of the financial or domestic support she receives from DH facilitates in her being that mum.

this info makes a huge difference to this thread.
it’s a shame it wasn’t in from the beginning.

so many people have made assumptions in favour of the wohp that he HAS to work.

clearly he doesn’t.

if he can go away for a weekend, enjoying peace of mind that his children are being well looked after by their other parent, then you should have that same experience. Equity. Equal downtime.

this is the bottom line in the who has it harder debate. It isn’t about hour by hour who is having a worse time. It’s about the fact that if one needs down time the wohp can go. The sahp can not.

I really hope not 🙏🏿

It depends how you do it.

of course parenting can be super easy, you can put them in front of an iPad and feed them chicken nuggets.

or you can put effort in and help them develop in to wonderful people.