Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

No she would rely on informal or professional childcare.

Also something so wrong with a family set up when one parent decides they have zero financial responsibility for their children. Yet this is what they have chosen. He carries 100% financial responsibility for the family (meaning he needs to work long hours including weekends) and she is 100% responsible for house and children.

As others have said, I do think you are trying to exert control over your husband by insisting he cares for your children in a certain way.

I think you underestimate the mental workload that comes with running a business and managing 50+ employees etc. Why are you being so obstinate by trying to force him to have the kids. I’d prioritise my kids and get them to spend the weekend where they’re happy and cherished. It was your choice to go away and you enjoy the life your husband’s income gives you - try not create an issue where there doesn’t need to be one.

There is no reason he can't parent his own children for one weekend.

She would be expected to parent her own children and would be criticised if she didn't. The varying bar for mother's and fathers all over this thread is nauseating.

Apart from the fact that he has to work to support the family as OP has opted out of her share of financially providing for her children.

Rubbish. All the high earning Mums I know used formal or informal childcare.

@Squishedpassengeras the first port of call for a weekend? No sorry I don’t believe it at all.

The woman I know who runs a big business (with like 2000 staff) is perfectly capable of taking her kids to ballet classes and frying fish fingers - and does regularly.

Pot calling the kettle black 🤣

Seems to me like your creating a problem and just trying to make his life difficult. Go and have your weekend and send the children to say with the usual people. You man is trying to earn a living so that you can stay at home all the time.

just give him the numbers to call if he has to go into work on an emergency.

he runs a business, does he not have any problem solving skills?

the reality is when you have such clear divisions of labour in a family, the other person doesn't develop the skill. don't set him up to fail, give a bit of scaffolding if need and then be on your way.

Alot of SAHP will think work is beneath them, because in reality the work that they could realistically obtain would not be able to sustain the lifetyle/house that they have grown accustomed to. Especially for those who haven't worked in years. So better to not work and pretend that 'if you wanted to' you could easily get a 60K salary job on a whim.

then tell him this and give them the heads up. its ok if he has to drop them off for a few hours to deal with work. then collect them on his way back.

its not a hard problem to solve

It seems strange that he doesn't already do this. It is a weird set up that your sister and BIL are the coparents rather than your husband. Your children must feel very unwanted by their Dad. I'm wondering if this may be part of the reason his business isn't doing so well too, because he isn't giving employees proper responsibility to run things in his absence.

"He will definitely go in most weekends."

That for me is the defining piece of information. You fully expect him to be having to go in to work, and you want to introduce the complication/delay of him getting three children into the car, drive them to family etc.

Why?

"It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?"
Not really seeing a principle here. Maybe a lesson, which you're trying to teach him, in which case there's a whole backstory you've chosen to leave out.

So yes, you're being unreasonable. And not a little bloody-minded.

His business is supporting and paying for a family of 5 which is enormous.
OP is in a privileged position to be able to be a Sahm

Spot on

Well then you are being unreasonable if he is called away most weekends and it's actually necessary. Line up support and go away and enjoy yourself.

You are getting hung up on a principle in a marriage where you have agreed completely different and defined roles and work to it ALL THE TIME. Now you want to shift the goalposts on "principle".

I fully take your point that he should be able to cope but the practical reality is that he can't without emergency childcare being available. So either pay for childcare to be on call for the weekend or send the kids away.

So because YOU found being a SAHM easier, that means it's the same for everyone and justifies the kids not having a parent in their father? It also means that dad is entitled to pass of parenting to female relatives, apparently irrelevant of their jobs? I'm sure the kids will completely understand when they're older and won't impact their relationship with their dad at all....

Bcause its a much better 'look' to make your sister and mums lives harder instead, rather than the kids actual father?

How come no one has asked what job the sister and mum have if working is such a huge factor in whether you should have to parent your own kids or not?

a lot of assumptions being made. I was a GP prior to having children. I assumed I would go back to work after maternity leave but that’s not what ended up happening.

My children are still very young - 5,4 and 2.

Exactly. If one parent out of two isn't capable of looking after their own children, they're a crap parent.

NumbersGuy
OP you're being very selfish here. DH works to provide the support for a FAMILY OF 5. Having 50+ employees depending on you, yes it's a likely 24/7 commitment, which is why it's a pipedream to disregard prior arrangements that have worked simply because you want him to suffer and you dress it up as principle. You're not working, he could at any time lose his business because being self-employed gives you NO benefits, so why take a chance on dismantling what has worked in the past. It makes no logical sense when spouses want to take screw around with your only source of income for no realistic and logical point. Besides, if he gets called into at the last minute, he's not going to have time to arrange sitting arrangements for 3 children, especially since he appears to be needing to be on-call 7 days a week.

Em that means she’s got the kids 7 days a week too though doesn’t it? So she should count herself lucky, not go away ever? I was a sahm, people think it’s great until something like a going away comes up and then they realise you’re actually tied and hearing ‘well I have to work’ when he gets to go where he likes when he likes

dontmalbeconme
it sounds like you had it easier to a lot of sahms- basically count yourself lucky that someone keeps you, don’t spend any extra money unless the dad oks it and why do you want to go anywhere? You don’t work! Plus when they’re home they’ve been working so you still do everything because they need a break!!! I’m working now and on my lunchtime I sit with my kindle and think of the fact I don’t have to answer to anyone. Adored being a sahm for the kids, not for the fact I had to count myself lucky all the time!!!

As a sahm I agree with this. But it is like work when a child is disabled- one of mine is really hard work. But OP said her children were well-behaved so no trouble there.