Page 11 | Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

Plasey · 2025-12-10T01:38:21+00:00

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out. I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved. its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out. It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable? Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

Naunet · 10/12/2025 13:16

Lidre · 10/12/2025 13:08

No but he could more often pay for the specialist cover OP has said is necessary when he goes away.

That seems like a very straightforward solution to me.

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And you think he would in order to spend time with his kids, when he doesnt do that now?

I cannot get past someone making excuses for a father who makes sure he gets time away from work, for his own trips and hobbies, but not to spend time with his own CHILDREN. I heard once that the family hierarchy is:
Man
Kids
Woman

Going from this thread, that's absolutely true in a lot of people's minds.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 10/12/2025 13:19

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:00

I really wish this was a female only space. It’s such a shame that mn has been infiltrated by misogyny.

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I agree, it seems there has been an influx of men on MN who seem to delight in scolding women. They are pathetic.

Livelaughlurgy · 10/12/2025 13:21

Op I think it's fairly straight forward. You need to work full time before you can ask your dh to mind his children for the weekend. If you work full time, though the magic of the moral high ground, your dh will be forced to mind the kids. Unfortunately people married to SAHP have fewer hours in the week for their kids than people where both parents work full time or working single parents.

Kubricklayer · 10/12/2025 13:21

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:14

It depends how you do it.

of course parenting can be super easy, you can put them in front of an iPad and feed them chicken nuggets.

or you can put effort in and help them develop in to wonderful people.

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So where does the 'hardest job in the world' feed into it? Sitting down with your kids and doing activities that stimulates their learning and strengthens your bond with them isn't a hard, strenuous job now is it? You said it was case closed that OP had the more difficult jo so I'm wondering how you came to that conclusion, especially when OP said DC were all well behaved?

beAsensible1 · 10/12/2025 13:23

Plasey · 10/12/2025 13:05

Because I believe if dh can carve out time for holidays, sporting events etc then he should also be able to do the same to care for our children. Yes, there will be a financial implication as he will have to pay a specialist overtime but that’s just the nature of the beast. The children have a parent who is, in theory, available. Dh should be the default not my siblings/parents (dh is Irish so his family are not an option).

We live in the same town as my parents. We specifically bought close to them as I knew I would need occasional help. I do the majority of care but my parents and siblings are also a massive support. My children are the only kids in the family - they are absolutely doted on. I’m extremely lucky. It won’t be forever as my siblings will soon be having kids I’m sure.

Edited

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ah so its about him making childcare a priority in the same way he does other things or his leisure activities ?

then say that to him.

"DH i am going away and i'd like you to make it a priority to spend the whole weekend with DC just like you do with "activity". its important for you and them to get your full attention sometimes and to spend quality time without me around."

the way you've presented it here is not clear that that is your aim. it just seems like you want him to "just because" not because its clear that he doesn't make it his priority. Have you been clear with him on this?

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 13:23

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:00

I really wish this was a female only space. It’s such a shame that mn has been infiltrated by misogyny.

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The misogyny on this site is off the scale.
Completely toxic.

beAsensible1 · 10/12/2025 13:24

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 10/12/2025 13:19

I agree, it seems there has been an influx of men on MN who seem to delight in scolding women. They are pathetic.

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most of the posters seem like women to me. they just have a differing point of view

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:26

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 13:23

The misogyny on this site is off the scale.
Completely toxic.

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It’s a massive shame. I’ve been on here 17 years and it’s only been in the last few years. This thread isn’t too bad, the op is savvy enough to ignore them, but on threads where the woman is being abused and is so downtrodden, it’s heartbreaking.

MummyJ36 · 10/12/2025 13:32

I absolutely hate that there is this misconception that just because you are a SAHM you do not have the right to any free time. That your partner gets to do whatever they want and that you are responsible 24/7 for the kids, almost as a punishment for not working.

larkstar · 10/12/2025 13:33

Totally agree with that @MummyJ36

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/12/2025 13:35

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 12:49

I agree the dad is losing out because he's having to do both parent's share of providing meaning he's not availble to do the fun side of being with his family. That's what happens when one parent opts out of financially providing for their family, the other one is forced to step up and shoulder the full burden at the detriment to their fun family time.

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This thread is nuts. Dads who work are not necessarily doing ‘both parents share of providing’ and that statement is grossly offensive to the major part of parents role which is parenting. It’s not just the fun side at home, the op is a gp and I expect she will be working again in a few years but it’s really quite shit to be working with a partner with no flex and young children. I work full time and my dh has to step up and shoulder the load- this man goes into work most weekends and expects his wife to deal with it.

Caterpillar1 · 10/12/2025 13:35

Honestly, if I was a SAHM out of choice, I think it would be very cheeky of me to go on a whole weekend with friends without kids. Try reversing roles/genders and think about it. If it was a guy doing this, he would be annihilated here.

HamptonPlace · 10/12/2025 13:36

Plasey · 10/12/2025 12:59

I suppose the principle is that dh can organise himself to not be relied upon when we go on holiday or when he goes to a sporting event at the other end of the country. He should therefore treat my weekend away similarly. He can absolutely block out that time. I understand financially this will have an implication but the kids need to be prioritised.

Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out
so you choose to not reply upon the options you have (being the reasons you chose to live where you live, by your own words) over some inexplicable martyrdom complex, and therefore you want your DH to take an unnecessary gamble with a precarious business ... to what end benefit? Would the children not be best off with a business that's hanging by a hair's breadth being protected, or at least a business that's hanging on be pushed further towards imminent danger? You can choose not to have some time by yourself when he is away, but he can't choose to make himself available for work emergencies on a weekend when you ARE away, so impacting you not at all? And your family are not negatively impacted anyway? This beggars belief.

sittingonabeach · 10/12/2025 13:38

@Caterpillar1 if he did it all the time he would be, but not the occasional weekend

But why shouldn’t OP have the odd weekend to herself

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/12/2025 13:38

Livelaughlurgy · 10/12/2025 13:21

Op I think it's fairly straight forward. You need to work full time before you can ask your dh to mind his children for the weekend. If you work full time, though the magic of the moral high ground, your dh will be forced to mind the kids. Unfortunately people married to SAHP have fewer hours in the week for their kids than people where both parents work full time or working single parents.

I can’t work out if you’re serious, no he won’t mind his kids more if she works full time. He will resent her more, and work just as much as before, while she falls apart trying to parent and work.

Original poster

Plasey · 10/12/2025 13:38

My husband prefers I stay at home with the children. So it’s a choice HE has also made. He thinks our children get the absolute best care by me staying home.

This way I am able to take the kids to his work to see him when he has a spare hour or he pops home for his lunch.

My sense of identity has definitely taken a knock as a SAHM. I do miss a more dynamic lifestyle. But I try my best to manage that - gym, socialising with friends etc.

OP posts:

VikaOlson · 10/12/2025 13:40

Caterpillar1 · 10/12/2025 13:35

Honestly, if I was a SAHM out of choice, I think it would be very cheeky of me to go on a whole weekend with friends without kids. Try reversing roles/genders and think about it. If it was a guy doing this, he would be annihilated here.

What 😂

It's not cheeky for parents to have whole weekends away.
It just needs to be equal - dad gets weekends away, mum gets weekends away.

HamptonPlace · 10/12/2025 13:41

MummyJ36 · 10/12/2025 13:32

I absolutely hate that there is this misconception that just because you are a SAHM you do not have the right to any free time. That your partner gets to do whatever they want and that you are responsible 24/7 for the kids, almost as a punishment for not working.

OP literally is taking free time. The question she raises is what her DH does when she is taking her free time. Is he going to a) make himself available to support the sole family income (already works most weekends per OP) or b) take free time for himself. He is preferring a), not sure why that is mysogynistic.

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 13:41

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:14

It depends how you do it.

of course parenting can be super easy, you can put them in front of an iPad and feed them chicken nuggets.

or you can put effort in and help them develop in to wonderful people.

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Yes, and it's those who put the effort in who will generally find it easy, as they will have engaged children happily participating in a range of activies. Happy and calm! Whereas shoving a child on tech and ignoring them tends to end up with bored, restless children constantly trying to get their parents attention.

The more effort you put into SAH parenting, the easier it is.

MummyJ36 · 10/12/2025 13:44

HamptonPlace · 10/12/2025 13:41

OP literally is taking free time. The question she raises is what her DH does when she is taking her free time. Is he going to a) make himself available to support the sole family income (already works most weekends per OP) or b) take free time for himself. He is preferring a), not sure why that is mysogynistic.

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He makes times for his own activities though, hobbies and family holidays etc. but is refusing to make time for her to tap out for the weekend.

He believes he has 24/7 childcare and/or she will arrange family childcare when she is unable to fulfil that herself - therefore removing himself from the equation due to her a status as a SAHM which I do believe is misogynistic.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2025 13:44

Caterpillar1 · 10/12/2025 13:35

Honestly, if I was a SAHM out of choice, I think it would be very cheeky of me to go on a whole weekend with friends without kids. Try reversing roles/genders and think about it. If it was a guy doing this, he would be annihilated here.

The guy does do this. He goes whenever he wants. That’s the point. (Although op didn’t detail that till recently and thus the thread got derailed by posters making up that he must be in work 24-7).

Comtesse · 10/12/2025 13:45

HamptonPlace · 10/12/2025 13:36

Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out
so you choose to not reply upon the options you have (being the reasons you chose to live where you live, by your own words) over some inexplicable martyrdom complex, and therefore you want your DH to take an unnecessary gamble with a precarious business ... to what end benefit? Would the children not be best off with a business that's hanging by a hair's breadth being protected, or at least a business that's hanging on be pushed further towards imminent danger? You can choose not to have some time by yourself when he is away, but he can't choose to make himself available for work emergencies on a weekend when you ARE away, so impacting you not at all? And your family are not negatively impacted anyway? This beggars belief.

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Quite an overreach there. OP has a weekend away (as normal people do from time to time) and consequently DH drops the ball, the business is RUINED and 50 families are out on the street - come on, pull the other one…..

Original poster

Plasey · 10/12/2025 13:45

HamptonPlace · 10/12/2025 13:41

OP literally is taking free time. The question she raises is what her DH does when she is taking her free time. Is he going to a) make himself available to support the sole family income (already works most weekends per OP) or b) take free time for himself. He is preferring a), not sure why that is mysogynistic.

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Dh doesn’t work the entire weekend normally. It varies a lot. Some weekends he will only go in for just 10 mins. But then the other extreme is also true. Most often he probably goes in for two hours when he is absolutely needed.

OP posts:

HamptonPlace · 10/12/2025 13:50

Comtesse · 10/12/2025 13:45

Quite an overreach there. OP has a weekend away (as normal people do from time to time) and consequently DH drops the ball, the business is RUINED and 50 families are out on the street - come on, pull the other one…..

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it is but a moral thought experiment really, there is a satisfactory for all scenario available that provides a win-win-win for DF,DC,DH and OP already has the win as the free time away is already locked in. Their life to date has been structured as it so is to allow this scenario. Business, check, SAHP , check, family nearby for helping out, check 🙌(Except that OP wants to rule out that scenario for vague...reasons)

HamptonPlace · 10/12/2025 13:55

Plasey · 10/12/2025 13:45

Dh doesn’t work the entire weekend normally. It varies a lot. Some weekends he will only go in for just 10 mins. But then the other extreme is also true. Most often he probably goes in for two hours when he is absolutely needed.

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indeed. The comment to which i was replying was re your not being 'allowed' free time as a SAHM and this is something you very much are going to have (enjoy!), my point was, I guess, that it doesn't seem selfish or misogynistic to want to be able to support the family's business, for the whole family's benefit- DP is not wanting to spend the whole weekend in pub playing darts, or is he?