To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

If your circumstaces have changed then they have changed, life happens.

No, YANBU.

Just give them a good amount of notice. Don't spring it on them tomorrow that you can't have them for the Christmas holiday, for example.

Step-children? You are being very generous but YANBU to stop if you can no longer help. Can you reduce support rather than stop completely? Give plenty of notice if you can.

No, YANBU but just make sure everyone knows and don’t moan about the deficit to the household budget by having to pay for wraparound care and holiday clubs.

You should never have started this and yes, stop it asap.

Who asked for this, your DP?

It’s not her job to fund his children’s childcare.

The thing is, it’s not that I can’t do it anymore, but that I don’t want to.

In the past couple of years we’ve had a baby, and SC have gone from well-behaved sweethearts to beating seven shades of hell out of each other any second they’re unsupervised. It’s impossible to look after all four. So I’d be putting my baby in nursery whilst I use my holiday on SC, and tbh, I don’t want to.

The next time I’m due to have them is a week at Easter, which I think is enough notice.

Totally fine, their father can still do his share but you can’t do yours anymore. Easter is plenty of notice for their parents to sort paid childcare.

The reason I feel I might be being unreasonable is SC are very much not children who would relish being put into clubs. They don’t like sports and they don’t like babysitters. Their mum doesn’t work, and I expect they’d prefer to be with her if we were both working.

I doubt their mum wants this extra time, and if she ends up with it, she’ll definitely spin the “dad and Chip don’t want you now they have a baby” line.

What does your dp think ?

He thinks I should continue, based on me saying I would previously. I thought one extra kid wouldn’t make any difference, but I didn’t factor in the age gap, SC’s newfound violence and disobedience, or my own feelings.

When DP has SC alone, DD goes to nursery.

Blended families are difficult.
So he won’t care for your shared child when his older children are in the house and you won’t care for his older children at all. Is that it in a nutshell?

It’s not possible for one adult to effectively care for all four children. I’m happy to help DP care for his children when he’s also around. I’m not happy to put mine in childcare so his don’t have to (like he does).

Perhaps it’ll be easier when they’re older and need less supervision.

Why would you babysit someone else’s children. If it’s your DP’s time with then and he can’t look after them there are summer camps and other childcare options. Sounds like he’s using you tbh

In the past I didn’t mind it. We did crafts, went on walks to the park, made biscuits and that kind of thing. Now it’s just constant whining, shouting and fighting over the TV remote. I don’t enjoy it.

As SC dislike clubs and babysitters they’ll probably opt to stay at their mum’s, which will make DP sad as he won’t see them in those evenings.

I think if you used to look after them and then you had a baby and put them into childcare, they WILL feel pushed out even if their mother doesn’t say it. That’s more your partner’s problem to deal with though.

But the alternative is spending five times more holiday days solo-parenting my SC than being with my own DD, and I’m not going to do that.

I wish I’d never started it tbh, but here we are.

Bloody hell OP, but they found a live one in you!
Yanbu in the least.
Look after your child, enjoy the baby stage and drop the rope completely.
You are being used.

Tricky because they are old enough to make the link between the new baby being born and being put in childcare. I find it hard to see how they won't see it as rejection in favour of the new baby. This is especially the case if they won't then come at all - it's blatant.

I guess you could say that's not your problem, and it genuinely was never your responsibility, but you apparently took on that role as an active step parent willingly and having done it for so long I don't think it's fair for you to drop them in such an obvious way. Of course this is your husband's problem too but you have contributed - blended families are difficult and you can't play happy families just when it suits.

Could you split the time so you spend time with just one or two of them plus the baby? Maybe rotate the week so they go to childcare in turn and not for the full week?

Don’t give them the option to go back to their mums, it’s not fair on her! it’s your DPs week so if he can’t look after them (why can’t he take leave?) they have to go to clubs.

it’s awful that he sends his baby to childcare when he’s looking after the older ones.

They will refuse to go to clubs (and a lot of clubs around here are 9-3) so I expect it’d need to be a babysitter/nanny in our house. On those days I’d need to work from the office as they’re too loud for me to work from home. They’d want to be taken out and entertained, not doing boring baby stuff. So we’d be spending £100+ on childcare AND my holiday day to have two angry SC and one bored SC.

Their mum lives an hour away so rotating the days with her wouldn’t work without a LOT of driving, and still means their mum losing her free time too.

It’s not the baby that’s changed things from what you say, it’s the violence and other challenging behaviour. He can be sad he won’t see them in the evenings and maybe he’ll be motivated to deal with their poor behaviour.

I can’t believe he puts the baby in nursery because he can’t cope caring for all the children he chose to have at the same time. Why have his older kids got so impossible to parent? Of course you shouldn’t be expected to take time off work to look after his kids while yours is in nursery. That’s an insane idea.

The whole dynamic feels a bit odd but it’s him, the ex and his kids not you and yours. You’ve gone above and beyond for years and you’re doing nothing wrong saying no more.

It wouldn’t be our choice, it’d be hers. They usually get what they want from her and she doesn’t work so will be around.

Honestly, I don’t mind that DD goes to nursery when SC are with DP. She likes it there, has her little routine and friends, and I think it’s good for DP and SC to spend time together. If DD was home, she’d be watching them watch TV, fight and argue.

Your partner/you could say to the children's mum that you need your annual leave now in case your child is sick.

You could explain that you (your partner) will need to use clubs now to cover those weeks that you did and ask her if she would rather have a couple of hundred £ each week to have them for the extra weeks rather than you paying it to holiday clubs. Perhaps she will allow them to come over for tea a few times as your partner wants to see them in the evenings - assuming that they live close by.

Your partner can pay or if all money is joint it would have to come from the household.