To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

I couldn't stand my brothers at that age but I didn't have the added issues of dad with a new partner and baby and mum with a new partner and baby. Those poor children. No wonder they are acting out

Sounds like looking after all the children together is a two person job. Could you get a mother’s help type person for the days you or DP are looking after them alone? An extra pair of hands to cook, clear up, change nappies etc might change the dynamic and make it fun again.

A couple of thoughts.
Does your DH's employer offer the ability to buy an additional weeks holiday? Find them a club that is not sport such as acting or coding.

It sounds like there’s several issues going on here:

-your DP isn’t capable of looking after his own children

-your SC spend all their waking hours on consoles or iPads

-when the SC aren’t in school, they have no structure and are bored, leading to fighting and poor behaviour

-SC are likely to feel pushed out with both parents having new DC with partners

-you feel annoyed at using your annual leave to look after SC whilst your own DC is in paid childcare

I think I’ve captured everything?

Could you try something like 2 SC and your DC in childcare and one child at a time gets 1 on 1 time with their Dad?

My DS is 9 and is bored of generic 4-11 holiday clubs but likes football camp, code ninjas, outward bound stuff and swim stuff. Even if it’s half a day it would get them off the screens.

Having them first a week or two is more than generous

You are not married. Put your child first, you don’t have any responsibility for someone else’s children. You won’t get the time back with your own child.

Honestly OP, whats in this for you?
3 children to provide free childcare for?
Will you have another child?
These years fly, you will bitterly regret this time being spoiled by you being used by him and his Ex.
Your own child deserves so much more than this.
He spends all his annual leave with his children, whilst yours is in nursery?
YOU need to spend your time with your child.
I agree that in such an unpleasant environment, your child is better off in nursery.

You need to put this child first and think long and hard about bringing anymore children into such a home.
I imagine the teenage years will be seriously messed up, with two such ineffectual parents.
You need to protect your child.

Their behaviour is not normal, and don't be convinced otherwise.

I’m Not sure what the answer is for the OP but I am perplexed by all the posters saying that the dad should just leave the kids with his ex partner during the holidays. He is their parent and given the difficulty the kids are having adjusting to this transition he should be stepping up more than ever. Not to mention the fact OP is alluding to screen addition and emotional neglect.

Family dynamics are what they are right now, Op.
You know best and that is not to have one adult looking after your DD and the older children.

Put your DD into child care and have DP do his best with wrestling the older three into activities - out doors, clubs, swimming, baking, collecting cans or cards, gardening with Granny etc.

Your DP needs to prioritise time with his older children to teach them respectful communication and how to challenge their brains and bodies, enjoying finding creative alternatives to screens.

In three years your little one might enjoy spending more time with her older siblings. Be open to change again.

If you had never started this arrangement, do you think you and DP would have progressed to the point you are living together and had a baby? Like would your "worlds" have aligned enough for that to happen?

I voted yabu after seeing that the “circumstances have changed” seems to be you have a new baby

@Chipmusk

What does DP think of their behaviour / their fighting and disruptiveness etc?

What is being done to address their behaviour, if anything?

Would it be an option to sit them down and discuss their behaviour and actually explain that if it doesn’t improve, the consequences will be holiday clubs / babysitters?

Maybe they should do some sports clubs tbh. It might be good for them and they can release all the pent up energy that is causing all the fighting there. 🤷‍♀️.

Hard no from me. Not your children = not your problem. I find it especially hilarious (and hypocritical!) that your husband doesn't care for all children like he expects / demands you to do. If their mum doesn't work, then what is she having a break from exactly?!

If the children insist they don't want to go to holiday clubs and would rather stay at mum's, and their mum agrees, that's on them surely. I think if they really wanted to see their dad I.e. even just evenings, surely they'd still come? Are they not that close in reality? Or would they just rather be home with their screens?

Phones for 10 and 9yo children... a PlayStation each at mum's... this is likely contributing to the problems. Phone addiction plus not having learned to share one computer (although Id still expect some fights,). I also wonder if this has anything to do with their dislike of clubs I.e. screenless time?

I think if DH wants to enlist a patenting coach to deal with this, it would he great if you get involved in the coaching process, otherwise it's not on you to sort out their co parenting fiasco. I also don't think you can.

I also wonder how much encouragement the kids have had to express their feelings about the new babies in both their homes, having 2 homes etc?

You're not being unreasonable, but it would be unreasonable for your DP to expect BM to have them 13 weeks a year by herself.

The discussion needs to be, "Chip can't have them, what can we do as parents to provide for them over the holidays? I can (pay for childcare/ take unpaid leave/ hire a babysitter) which would you prefer?"

Your mistake was to get with a man who already had several children.

It's difficult for older DC with much younger siblings I think .Add to the mix 3 DC who have new siblings with both parents ,and you have a heady old mix going on! I think whichever way you play it ,the kids will feel rejected if "put into" clubs they dont like!Part of being with a divorced dad is coping with DC ,it's just how it is. I think it's unfair on you .Can you see if maybe you could cope with one or two at a time maybe .Also DP will have to step up .Realistically this may be easier said than done of course

It sounds like OP could but just doesn't want to. Which is fair enough as l wouldn't want to do it either. Whereas the partner "can't". Plus they are all his children after all and only 1 is her child.

And part of being a kid is having to spend time in childcare sometimes, that's just how it is. I never got asked if I wanted to go to holiday club, I had to go because my parents had to work. I made the best of it and enjoyed myself.

There was also occasions when my Mum had to take us with her to work and we'd sit in an empty classroom (she worked in adult education) and colour, draw, read or find some other quiet activity to do until she was finished. We certainly didn't fight and make noise.

It sounds like the SCs make a complete nuisance of themselves (which at 8, 9 and 10 they do not need to!) and this is the consequence of their actions.

Of course he thinks you should continue - you're the free, live-in childcare.

And a tiny bit "so what?" if the mum turns around and says the whole "OP and dad don't want you now they have the new baby"? Because it's the truth really isn't it?

I think Easter is more than enough time to stop your share of the SC care. Dad needs to adjust his schedule accordingly. And you'll also have to accept that this might well have a knock-on effect on the wider family finances.

Ahhhhhh yes suddenly it allllll changes when you have your own child 🙃

To say you are reneging is putting a very negative spin on this. Time has moved on, circumstances have changed and you are making new arrangements.

YANBU

SC will need to go to clubs or their parents will need to care for them. Not your problem.

It isn’t unreasonable to prioritise time with your own child and their behaviour makes this problematic.

DP can’t make you book holiday and DD will be at nursery so just make sure you aren’t wfh and don’t back down.

Yanbu wanting to spend quality time with your own DD. I'd tell DH you no longer want to babysit his badly behaved sc. I might soften the blow by agreeing to have them 1 day over Easter holidays and take them out somewhere nice. It's really up to your DH and his exw to look after their DC. You have found out being too accommodating has made a rod for your own back. I can understand your DH wanting you to have them though if he gets to see his DC more in evenings.

Well it depends doesn’t it!

Do you be able to expect to be able to ship them back to mum and it becomes her problem even though it’s your DH’s time?

Will your DH be able to provide the necessary childcare; ie does he have the available AL and if if has to pay for childcare, can he (and you) afford it?

You’re acting like you are not married and you live in a separate household and doing a favour (or not) for a friend. Either you’re married and work together or you’re not. And stop treating his DCs like they’re nothing to do with you.