Page 2 | To renege on providing free childcare for SC

Chipmusk · 2025-12-09T22:17:55+00:00

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time). In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays). Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 23:18

It’s not the baby that’s changed things from what you say, it’s the violence and other challenging behaviour. He can be sad he won’t see them in the evenings and maybe he’ll be motivated to deal with their poor behaviour.

I can’t believe he puts the baby in nursery because he can’t cope caring for all the children he chose to have at the same time. Why have his older kids got so impossible to parent? Of course you shouldn’t be expected to take time off work to look after his kids while yours is in nursery. That’s an insane idea.

The whole dynamic feels a bit odd but it’s him, the ex and his kids not you and yours. You’ve gone above and beyond for years and you’re doing nothing wrong saying no more.

Tbh in the past two years the eldest two have got phones and they’ve all got separate PlayStations at their mum’s and I think this has a lot to do with it.

I understand they’re growing up, but they’ve become really horrible to each other, as well as giving a lot of attitude to whoever’s looking after them.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/12/2025 23:27

They may dislike clubs but tough.

using 99% of your holiday to look after his kids isn’t right

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 09/12/2025 23:27

I think they ought to be told that the reason the situation is changing is because their behaviour has changed. You can’t manage all 4 children because of the fighting and complaining. They are old enough to understand that and to choose to jack it in or not. You love them. You don’t love playing referee.

NuffSaidSam · 09/12/2025 23:30

It sounds like it's going to cause some upset, but you'll just have to ride through it. Things will settle once they get used to the new routine.

I'd start with offering them clubs/babysitter at your house. If they want to stay with their Mum and she's ok with it then they can do that. Your DP should give her extra money to cover this as he's obviously having them less than agreed and the school holidays are very expensive, plus she's saving him the expense of putting them in childcare.

QBTheRoundestOfBees · 09/12/2025 23:32

It’s utter madness that you were ever using your holiday time to care for your partner’s DC. Was this to facilitate him being able to see his DC in the evenings when they could quite as well have been with their mum? It’s selfish of your partner and unfair on you, the DC and their mum. It never ceases to amaze me how many men find women to look after their DC on their parenting time, and think this is a reasonable thing to do.

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:33

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 09/12/2025 23:27

I think they ought to be told that the reason the situation is changing is because their behaviour has changed. You can’t manage all 4 children because of the fighting and complaining. They are old enough to understand that and to choose to jack it in or not. You love them. You don’t love playing referee.

We’ve tried having sit down discussions about it with them (and punishments, and reward schemes) and it doesn’t work. The oldest two gang up on and blame the youngest for everything, nobody takes any accountability and they all lie then huff and sulk. It’s exhausting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:35

NuffSaidSam · 09/12/2025 23:30

It sounds like it's going to cause some upset, but you'll just have to ride through it. Things will settle once they get used to the new routine.

I'd start with offering them clubs/babysitter at your house. If they want to stay with their Mum and she's ok with it then they can do that. Your DP should give her extra money to cover this as he's obviously having them less than agreed and the school holidays are very expensive, plus she's saving him the expense of putting them in childcare.

He wouldn’t pay her extra. It wouldn’t change the CMS amount.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 09/12/2025 23:39

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:35

He wouldn’t pay her extra. It wouldn’t change the CMS amount.

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He should do. She's saving him a fortune in childcare. And the holidays are expensive.

It sounds like he's happy for you to be inconvenienced and happy for his ex to be inconvenienced. As long as he isn't, right?

WallaceinAnderland · 09/12/2025 23:39

It's not your problem to solve. You let your dp know you are no longer available for childcare and he makes alternative arrangements. He will have to pay for childcare and if they won't go then it is up to him to make them go.

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:41

NuffSaidSam · 09/12/2025 23:39

He should do. She's saving him a fortune in childcare. And the holidays are expensive.

It sounds like he's happy for you to be inconvenienced and happy for his ex to be inconvenienced. As long as he isn't, right?

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She’s really unpleasant to him, and about him to the children. If they had a good relationship then it’d be different.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:43

WallaceinAnderland · 09/12/2025 23:39

It's not your problem to solve. You let your dp know you are no longer available for childcare and he makes alternative arrangements. He will have to pay for childcare and if they won't go then it is up to him to make them go.

Yep I think this is what I need to do. And go to the office and not answer any calls about emergencies on those days.

OP posts:

sprigatito · 09/12/2025 23:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 23:18

It’s not the baby that’s changed things from what you say, it’s the violence and other challenging behaviour. He can be sad he won’t see them in the evenings and maybe he’ll be motivated to deal with their poor behaviour.

I can’t believe he puts the baby in nursery because he can’t cope caring for all the children he chose to have at the same time. Why have his older kids got so impossible to parent? Of course you shouldn’t be expected to take time off work to look after his kids while yours is in nursery. That’s an insane idea.

The whole dynamic feels a bit odd but it’s him, the ex and his kids not you and yours. You’ve gone above and beyond for years and you’re doing nothing wrong saying no more.

I suspect there’s a correlation between the new baby and the challenging behaviour. It’s not a coincidence.

I am struggling to accept that it’s impossible to care for all four children at once. It happens in thousands of families every single day, including families with SEND, difficult behaviour and trauma, twins, you name it, parents are managing it and working with what they have. If your partner is putting your child into nursery rather than care for all of his own children at once, then he’s being outrageously lazy - mentally - by refusing to address the issues and learn new strategies to cope. He’s their father! You agree with him that it’s “impossible” - well I’d expect it to be more difficult for you, because three of them aren’t yours. Your priorities are different; you want to focus on your daughter, but it isn’t “impossible” for you to care for them all. You just don’t want to - and although objectively that has validity because they aren’t yours, it’s unfortunate that doing this now, and so abruptly, is going to be damaging. Damaging to the kids, because it’s an extremely stark symbolic rejection and the destruction of their routine, damaging to your relationship with your husband, and damaging to the relationship between your daughter and her siblings. I don’t see how that damage can be avoided if you do this. I wouldn’t.

Your husband needs parenting classes and an almighty kick up the fundament. He needs to give his older children the attention, love and discipline they are begging for. He needs to pull his weight so you don’t feel used and disrespected. And he needs to stop treating his youngest daughter like an inconvenience. If he doesn’t get his shit together he is going to have no positive relationship with any of them.

NuffSaidSam · 09/12/2025 23:47

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:41

She’s really unpleasant to him, and about him to the children. If they had a good relationship then it’d be different.

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If he palms the children off on her when it's his time to have them and doesn't fund this then I'm not really surprised she's not his biggest fan!

But either way, that time is his responsibility both physically in terms of their care and financially. Not yours. Not hers. If he can't cover that time and can't get them to childcare, such that they have to go back to their mother's the RIGHT thing to do is cover that time financially. It doesn't become not his responsibility because his ex-wife is a big old meany.

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:50

sprigatito · 09/12/2025 23:45

I suspect there’s a correlation between the new baby and the challenging behaviour. It’s not a coincidence.

I am struggling to accept that it’s impossible to care for all four children at once. It happens in thousands of families every single day, including families with SEND, difficult behaviour and trauma, twins, you name it, parents are managing it and working with what they have. If your partner is putting your child into nursery rather than care for all of his own children at once, then he’s being outrageously lazy - mentally - by refusing to address the issues and learn new strategies to cope. He’s their father! You agree with him that it’s “impossible” - well I’d expect it to be more difficult for you, because three of them aren’t yours. Your priorities are different; you want to focus on your daughter, but it isn’t “impossible” for you to care for them all. You just don’t want to - and although objectively that has validity because they aren’t yours, it’s unfortunate that doing this now, and so abruptly, is going to be damaging. Damaging to the kids, because it’s an extremely stark symbolic rejection and the destruction of their routine, damaging to your relationship with your husband, and damaging to the relationship between your daughter and her siblings. I don’t see how that damage can be avoided if you do this. I wouldn’t.

Your husband needs parenting classes and an almighty kick up the fundament. He needs to give his older children the attention, love and discipline they are begging for. He needs to pull his weight so you don’t feel used and disrespected. And he needs to stop treating his youngest daughter like an inconvenience. If he doesn’t get his shit together he is going to have no positive relationship with any of them.

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They have a new sibling at their mum’s too.

DD is at full-time nursery so we pay for her place anyway. SC are manageable when being actively entertained (taken to trampoline parks, laser tag, shopping, for lunch - all whilst being supervised closely) or if they’re at home, they’re squabbling, whinging and watching TV. So yes it’s possible to have all four, but honestly I would prefer for her to be at nursery than being borderline neglected whilst a stressed adult referees SC.

OP posts:

MerrieFerry · 09/12/2025 23:53

Sorry if this has already been explained, but why can your DH not take Easter off from work. If it is due to annual leave, does he have none left to take at all?

This is a DH problem. If he's unable to look after his children, he needs to find a solution that does involve a woman picking up his slack (either you or his ex wife).

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 09/12/2025 23:54

Yanbu.
They’re not your responsibility and you should not have to use your annual leave to look after someone else’s children.
Add to that there’s no way in the world I’d put my own baby in nursery so that I could look after them.

cadburyegg · 09/12/2025 23:55

YANBU

Another thread about a man who can’t pull his weight.

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:57

NuffSaidSam · 09/12/2025 23:47

If he palms the children off on her when it's his time to have them and doesn't fund this then I'm not really surprised she's not his biggest fan!

But either way, that time is his responsibility both physically in terms of their care and financially. Not yours. Not hers. If he can't cover that time and can't get them to childcare, such that they have to go back to their mother's the RIGHT thing to do is cover that time financially. It doesn't become not his responsibility because his ex-wife is a big old meany.

Show quote history

She’s not a fan because she had an affair and left and he wouldn’t take her back when it fell apart. In previous years he’s had them way more than he’s “supposed” to without paying less, and there’s no legal contact order so it’s not his legal responsibility to have them on those weeks any more than hers. He wants to have them as much as we/he can.

He’ll pay for childcare if he needs to, I just think, knowing her and SC, that it’s more likely they’ll end up at hers.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:58

MerrieFerry · 09/12/2025 23:53

Sorry if this has already been explained, but why can your DH not take Easter off from work. If it is due to annual leave, does he have none left to take at all?

This is a DH problem. If he's unable to look after his children, he needs to find a solution that does involve a woman picking up his slack (either you or his ex wife).

He spends every day of his annual leave with SC. He would prefer to pay for childcare but I think SC would opt to stay at their mum’s, and that she’ll let them.

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Bluefloor · 10/12/2025 00:03

Tbh my children are roughly the same age, they’re not interested in doing crafts etc the same now. I take a couple of days off each week during the holidays and they go to clubs the others. Breaks it up a bit for me!

Hiptothisjive · 10/12/2025 00:07

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 22:50

It’s not possible for one adult to effectively care for all four children. I’m happy to help DP care for his children when he’s also around. I’m not happy to put mine in childcare so his don’t have to (like he does).

Perhaps it’ll be easier when they’re older and need less supervision.

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Yes it is. People have many many more kids than that and look after them all the time. Not to mention teachers who even with TAs look after 15 kids each every day.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 10/12/2025 00:09

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:58

He spends every day of his annual leave with SC. He would prefer to pay for childcare but I think SC would opt to stay at their mum’s, and that she’ll let them.

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If the SCs would rather be at mum’s and she would rather have them, problem solved. You’ve done your bit up until now, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice time with your own DD for time with his DCs. If their mum has also had another baby I can understand why they might be acting up, but that’s their parents’ issue to solve, not yours.

Original poster

Chipmusk · 10/12/2025 00:11

Hiptothisjive · 10/12/2025 00:07

Yes it is. People have many many more kids than that and look after them all the time. Not to mention teachers who even with TAs look after 15 kids each every day.

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Okay, it’s possible, but it’s not pleasant or fun for my DD. I don’t like doing it myself and I understand why DP doesn’t either.

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Driftingawaynow · 10/12/2025 00:15

If they would rather be with their mother than in childcare and their father can’t look after them that’s exactly where they should be

Eenameenadeeka · 10/12/2025 00:17

They aren't your children, so it's fine if you don't want to watch them, but it should be your partner who has them, not their Mum. She already does her half of the holidays. I know 4 kids is a lot, we also have 4 (all the time, because I'm married to their Dad) sending them off shouldn't be an option.