To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

You should be asking yourself why your DP is having all these children if he’s not willing to look after them. You started minding these kids and now you have your own you don’t want to anymore. Your post above about them arguing and fighting and huffing a puffing being exhausting, that’s what’s kids do and parenting is exhausting. Your DP is the problem here and he needs to make time for all his children that he created and brought in to the world, they are all equal and just because a new one comes along doesn’t mean he can mess around with the time he is supposed to spend with his other three. He should never have expected you to give up your time to raise his kids.

I do think you've been generous with your time and sound like a decent stepmother BUT this does still show how shit blended families are for the older kids when their parents remarry/reproduce with someone else and prioritise the new kids. I grew up in exactly that situation and it's still painful now tbh.

Surely if the mum isn’t working, then she is being paid (I presume) UC to be the “primary carer, and your partner is paying her maintainance all of which are allowing her to be a stay at home mum. And thus her role as a stay at home mum should be to provide the lions share of care during school holidays, just as it’s your partners role to work, and pay maintenance.

he should be using his leave to look after his children, absolutely but IMO the rest should be on the mum if she isn’t working… she’s a stay at home mum.

This is not your responsibility in any shape way or form: spinning it round, she’s getting 6 weeks “annual leave” from her kids a year. Whilst you (not their mum) is using ALL of yours. Fuck that.

If she was nicer to him, she'd get more money?
He let's you dictate if they can have a games console each, which, even if he now doesn't get to see them, is ok?
The double standards on her is unbelievable. If it's the father's SC, his whole family has to take on the children as though they are blood. It's fine to say you can't have them, but If that incurs extra expense for their Mother, he should be giving her extra in recognition of her being the primary parent.

I think you’ve been more than generous already but it doesn’t suit you to continue, so that’s that. If you and your partner were to split up, he’d have to sort an alternative then!

They're not married, and don't have joint finances either. Its not a binary choice between be married and work together or be friends living separately, and this relationship evidently falls somewhere in the middle.

You need to let DH know that during his time with his children you will not provide free child care - it is not for their mother to pick up the slack for their DF because he will not pay for child care.

Everyone on here who says let THEM know - no you just need to let their DF know and he sorts it out. This not thier mothers issue to solve.

Why do so many Stepmums set the bar so low for their feckless partners. No corocism of OP here as she has helped her useless partner but now it is OK to dump his child care on his ex wife - lets dump on the women.

It is irrelevant what she does or does not do - his time,, his problem - he sorts it by paying.

Just to add - the SC are probably playing up BECAUSE there's a new baby taking away their dad and stepmum's attention. They probably feel replaced - it's natural - and it's a shame that they'll get that feeling confirmed by being sent away, instead of getting the reassurance all children need that their parents love and centre them.

How many days is it?

DH can apply for unpaid leave and look after his children.

You can pull your child out of childcare if you are off? You might still have to pay but at least you won’t resent having DSC while DC in nursery.

FYI - I think you were taken advantage of in the first place tbh.

Given everything you’ve described, it’s understandable that you need to step back — but the core issue is your partner not taking full responsibility

A lot of step-parents feel very positive and fulfilled when they meet a partner and build a relationship with their partner’s children. However, when a new baby arrives, the dynamics shift. Your step-children shouldn’t be disadvantaged because of this change, and neither should his ex-partner.

From what you’ve described, you may be beginning to see some of the underlying reasons why your partner’s previous relationship struggled. It doesn’t sound as though there is an equal partnership around childcare, and it appears he tends to rely quite heavily on others to take on that responsibility. Some of the language you’ve used about the children and their mother is quite critical, perhaps without you realising it, and that may be affecting how you see the situation.

The affair in the past isn’t really relevant to what’s happening now. The focus needs to remain on the children’s wellbeing and on how the adults involved communicate and share responsibilities. It’s also important not to attribute the children’s behaviour solely to their mother’s parenting. Children do misbehave, and it is their father’s responsibility to manage that, rather than placing blame elsewhere.

You are part of a blended family, and it seems that both you and your partner are finding aspects of that challenging. The difficulties you’re experiencing don’t stem from the ex wife or her decisions, and she shouldn’t have to act a certain way to ensure your partner parents appropriately or contributes fairly. Your change in circumstances shouldn’t negatively impact her routine, finances, or responsibilities.

At the heart of this is the dynamic between you and your partner: how labour, parenting, and emotional load are divided, and how supported you feel. It also sounds like you may be feeling overwhelmed by the number of children in your care, and that you would prefer more clarity around when and how you are expected to
parent.
It sounds as though you’re feeling the need to step back a little, and that’s completely understandable when the demands of a blended family become overwhelming. The key question is not whether stepping back is “allowed”, but how to do so in a way that is fair to everyone—especially the children.

Ultimately, the real solution lies in their father taking full responsibility for his own children. That will require effort, consistency, and some difficult adjustments on his part. It’s something he should have already been doing, rather than you having to initiate this conversation.

What lies ahead is likely to be challenging and will require honesty and commitment from him. But it’s important that you are not carrying the emotional and practical load for decisions and responsibilities that aren’t yours alone.

Actually I should say spend time with his kids, not look after.

they shouldn’t be a burden to him.

You are not being unreasonable to say no but your partner would be very unreasonable if he dumps his parenting responsibilities back on their mum because of that. He has 50% of holidays, so he needs to cover 6.5 weeks, with or without your help. If he finds it challenging to have the 3 of them plus baby during the holidays, it'll be equally challenging for their mum to have the 3 pluse her baby. He needs to grow up and parent his kids, or stop having kids he can't look after.

You say the kids are fine when they're out and been entertained, then their dad needs to take them out and entertain them. I'm really struggling to see why he can't put the baby in a buggy and take all his kids to the park, that's just what parents do.

It sounds to me as if these children have become very manipulative and they are playing up whichever adult they are with. A case of divide and conquer - and they get their way by being unpleasant.
They have shown themselves to be sneaky by playing with the play station after hours and have now lost yours and your DPs trust. What you now need to do is to develop a strategy that works for your household - don't concern yourself with anyone elses.
Everything has changed because there are now new siblings in each household so the argument that his ex uses saying that they are not wanted because of your DD also applies to the new sibling at their mothers' home - so you need to throw that back whenever it is raised.
You work and their mother does not - so any issues/emergencies should be picked up by your DP and his ex. Take a step back and don't involve yourself - your free time/holidays is yours so you need to begin to take that back.
What goes on in your household is what is important here - the kids may whinge and complain that mum allows them to do whatever - but you are not interested in what happens elsewhere only with what goes on behind your front door. I wonder if a sort of reverse rewards chart would work here. By that I mean put a chart/piece of paper etc on your wall - every time good behaviour is marked up but so too is poor behaviour. Tot the totals up for the next holiday period - this will dictate the next day trip/activity. Poor behaviour means no outing. They need to learn consequences of good/poor behaviour. They also need to learn to entertain themselves - you are bending over backwards to entertain them - don't!! Have all your normal stuff for crafts, games etc available - but they entertain themselves - they will say they are bored but that's not your problem - there is nothing wrong with them being bored but they need to think for themselves. Sadly like many kids they are used to instant gratification with iPads etc so need to learn to think for themselves.
Don't work your annual leave around DP's children - apart from your week away with the kids. Your holiday is your free time/relaxation/emergency DD care. Your DP needs sort his DCs care - so book holiday camps and DP pays - there is allsorts out there - sports/acting/crafts. There are plenty of parents who have to take unpaid leave to look after their kids. Solo parenting his kids needs to stop - you are being used and it's not a pleasant thing anyway - they make sure of that with their behaviour.
It is hard with blended families but it all sounds very disjointed anyway with his ex living an hour away. What is the ratio of 50/50? and how is it achieved?

So they aren’t your stepchildren then. I certainly wouldn’t be giving up 63% of my annual leave to babysit the children of a man who wouldn’t marry me.

Surely they don't get to choose to stay at their mum's? It's their time with their dad.

No not a silly argument - a point to say it is possible.

I always find it so stupid when people are overly pedantic to make a point. The point is a person can look after more than a few children at the same time and it happens all the time.

Agree with this

It's perfectly reasonable to say that you will match some of his annual leave and you will both share the workload of 4 children simultaneously but that you are
a) not using all your annual leave to do this - you want some solo time with your own child and
b) will no longer be caring for them on a solo basis except on ad hoc days or perhaps post clubs from 3pm to 6pm.

Involve the kids in finding things to do that interest them. It's not like they will want to go to baby bounce classes.

They sound bored if they're fighting, which means holiday club is a great solution.

Maybe you can rotate have one at home with you (if they behave) and DC and do all age stuff like swimming or parks.

You were taken advantage of, do not feel guilty about stopping!

Sounds to me like you need better clubs for them. They need to be separated somehow so they don't fight. Or a combo of clubs/sitters so each child is engaged. Say a nice teen girl to be a mother's helper for one of the girls, do girl things with her. Boy in soccer club or chess club. The last one home with you and your youngest. Mix it up. I think it's ok that you want to step back from providing free childcare given that it means you don't even get to see your own child on your vacation days because you have to put her in childcare to manage the other three. It's not on you to miss time with your own child so your husband can see his kids in the evenings.

Whoevenarethey
Once again it's the children I feel sorry for. In both households they have been pushed out for a new baby, it's no wonder they are playing up.
Since there’s three of them and two houses probably exhausted with new babies, I think both sets of parents should sit down with EACH child, not all three together, and take time to chat to them about how they’re getting on. I was only saying on mn the other day with four it’s easy to clump them all together but it’s important to have a bit of one on one time. Might help the fighting too!

on the unpaid leave I don’t think many men avail of it, there’s no nice way to say this but most men see the loss of income, not the savings in childcare (which a lot of men try to not have to pay in the first place), or time spent with their kids (Not saying all men by the way, just from life, also talking to mums both in real life and online, men try to get gps, partners, kids’ friends’ parents etc whereas mums don’t want to ask too much)

YANBU to want to prioritise your own daughter and to change the arrangement
as an aside, there is no way these children aren't aware of and impacted by being seen as a burden which is deeply upsetting.

This was my line of thinking