To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

Why they’re behaving badly is clear to me, but I’m not a parent. They want individual attention and time, not to be lumped together as a three, and they spend far too much time on screens without routine or expectations at their mum’s.

Their mum uses tech as a babysitter, and ignores bad behaviour (according to SC). We have probably gone the other way and when SC are here, we have an action-packed schedule of near-constant entertainment and attention, as well as set expectations, for which they have to be closely supervised (for very basic things, like making beds or brushing teeth).

My ideal outcome would be SC being here as their primary home. I actually think living between two homes which have different expectations and rules is really hard for them.

Ar a population level, women (whether stepparents or not) provide more childcare and domestic work than men, even when they earn more. That is how it works. Is it how it should work, though?

It is how women are socially and culturally conditioned and what they see other women doing. Childcare and domestic work is why women earn less at a population level and are more likely to be in poverty. Or just flat out exhausted. Single women live longer than married women. Married men live longer than single men.

That is how it is. Is it how it should be?

Yes, OP had a baby with a man who already had three children. These three children have two parents, OP can be part of their lives without being the childcare when their mum is available and willing to look after the DC and the DC would rather be there. Taking all questions of questions of commitment out of the equation (although quite why a woman needs to exhaust herself to prove commitment is a good question), what kind of man pushes for his new partner to look after his existing children when their mother is available and willing to do this? What is he actually trying to prove? That he is a committed parent (he’s not doing the parenting)? That his children are still part of his family (should have thought about the logistics of that one before having a new baby, and needing childcare to rely on OP)? That the DC’s mum cannot have the DC more than half the time? This seems to be the one he is looking to prove.

Thats not the reality though. You see why your man is out earning money to not only pay for his previous kids, but your new life too, he cant also be with his kids. Somewhere along the line you have to see that he can't be in two places at once so if you need him to be at work because your new family unit needs money, then you may have to cover him when he is also meant to be having his kids. This isnt a sex thing. This is how it works for literally everyone I know in a solid, blended family. They wouldn't have got to move in and new baby stage unless it was that way.

I don’t think DP is wrong to want me to look after SC as much as I can. We both feel they’re more regulated, settled and fulfilled when they’re with us, compared to with their mum, where they can spend 18hrs a day on screens.

It’s just, unfortunately, their behaviour is now such that it’s untenable whilst I also look after DD, and I need to prioritise her for those 2.5 weeks of the year.

Why do some posters feel the need to create their own narrative?

Surely the crux of this matter is 3 children who each have access to their own PlayStation and tv at mum’s house. No holiday club can ever compare with staying at home and gaming all day long. Presumably each having their own console means arguments are kept to a minimum and that is why their mum made that decision. So she can have some peace and quiet to parent her youngest child with her new partner.

Consoles are highly addictive to children; in fact many adults are completely incapable of self regulation. Introducing them was not @Chipmuskchoice and yet she is expected to deal with the fallout. Would she be a better step parent if she did exactly as the mum has done and given each child a PlayStation and tv to keep them occupied?

The 2 biological parents, who appear to be incapable of communicating with each other, have sleep walked into a situation where their children are constantly fighting except when gaming. This is their problem to own.

I’ll still look after them when they’re here and for any emergencies, I’ll still probably cover the odd day here and there. But I’m not assigning over half my precious annual leave to solo parent them when DD is at nursery.

If DP wants to take those weeks as unpaid leave I’d have no issue with that.

I don't think we can blame the Mum here. The Mum has them the majority of time. OP chose to have a child with a man that does the bare legal minimum, so presumably that is the standard of parenting in her household. Ofcourse children will be difficult in that environment.

As usual in these threads the term springs to mind

nanny with a fanny

you are doing the childcare of his kids at the expense of your own toddler

Well, quite. I kind of parted company with the ‘it would be fine if we parented the DC the whole time’ response, I am afraid. That’s not how co-parenting works.

He needs to request parental leave - between the three children and the years that it’s not already been used leaves him with lots of time ( if his employer agrees )
Im surprised that children of their ages don’t prefer to be at home as they’d have more access to seeing their own friends in the holidays, so maybe they actually prefer to be with you? but that said when my kids did holiday clubs there were always out of area children attending - leading to many who coordinated stays with grandparents etc just so they could meet up annually.
We’re lucky we have access to so many alternative clubs locally - have you researched what’s available through schools local
to you ( including private schools ) local
library, local council etc. sounds like they could enjoy coding, computer skills, self defence and drama!

Even if you can book them into odd single day events it would change the dynamic at home for that day which could improve the time spent with the others that day

This is the answer then.

I think the fact that the PP is only left with half a week of holiday for herself every year is the issue. It won't hurt the kids to go to a holiday camp or club. Plenty do and survive.

I cannot BELIEVE the absolute stepmum bashing on all these threads, it’s ridiculous 😂 I remember once I mentioned that sometimes I cleared off to let DSS spend time with his dad alone and I was SLATED but also people bang on about how they need alone time with their parent? Honestly it’s nonsense just ignore it. I look after my DSS in the holidays but sometimes I decide I’ve had enough and he goes to a holiday club instead. That’s life.

Some working parents may not be able to have the time off in holidays. If I worked in a job that wasn’t term time, my daughter would have to go into holiday clubs in the holidays sometimes as my husband gets no holiday leave. As a family, it is cheaper for us to pay £20 for her to go for the day, than my husband to have the time off and lose £250 (before anyone starts any rubbish about me being bothered because he ‘funds my lifestyle’ - I earn more and we contribute equally). Because you are a stepmum, it’s seen as awful, but no one would bat an eyelid about them going to holiday club if they were all your own kids. Ridiculous! Use your leave as you please!

@Chipmusk as you say upthread, DP needs advance warning to get his ducks in a row for his holiday cover. Have you told him yet that using 2.5 weeks of your AL to babysit his DCs no longer works for you?

My goodwill towards their mum ended when we found out SC were upset because she told them I was too old to have a baby and that their sister would die (I was 37 at the time). Not everyone who gives birth is a nice person or a good mother.

Not yet, I will this weekend.

To the PP who said maybe they prefer to be with us, they do in the holidays, but I think they’ll prefer their mum’s over clubs.

If she’s having them more , he does need to pay more.

Did she admit she said this or is it just SC that told you?

I’ve already covered this…

It’s what SC said, the youngest was very upset. She’s always had an issue with my age so it’s in keeping with previous comments she’s made directly to me and to DP.

And yet, if I understand correctly, your DP had three children with her.
His job is therefore to co-parent with her.
Whatever she did or did not say about you does not change that basic fact. You do not need to like her. You do not need to do childcare for either of them. But she is the mother of your DP’s children and they should be co-parenting. That was the point I was making. And yet, there are eleven pages of your post about what you should do.

Edited as I've read your comments.

It's not unreasonable at all. Having learnt that your partner puts your child in childcare when he has his own kids I'm a little shocked.

Go for it. What's been his attitude so far?

Is she older or younger?

YANBU and I say this as a “first wife”, honestly i wouldn’t be happy if my ex was expecting his new partner to be looking after the kids on his time. That’s his job. If she was willing and able to do it to save money or whatever and they were all happy then great.

My kids are 7 and 10 and don’t love clubs either. They still have to go, I do minimise it as much as I can and I pick the ones that I think they will hate less (!) but I don’t have a choice but to send them sometimes.

I wouldn’t want to look after a 10 year old plus a baby. I have a friend with a 6 and 3 year old and when we all get together it’s quite a big gap of ages to entertain and her 3 year old doesn’t understand why she’s not allowed to do the same things as my 10 year old, etc. It makes things trickier than if they were all the same age.

Why is it ok for your DD to be in nursery full time but not ok for SC to be in holiday clubs for 2 weeks a year?

Honestly, whilst I love my own children, I wouldn’t be prepared to use my precious annual leave looking after someone else’s children unless it was a dire emergency or something.

She’s two years younger. When she had her youngest she was 35 so I don’t really don’t get it.