Page 6 | To renege on providing free childcare for SC

Chipmusk · 2025-12-09T22:17:55+00:00

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time). In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays). Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

Tryingatleast · 10/12/2025 10:38

Chocbuttonsandredwine
Surely if the mum isn’t working, then she is being paid (I presume) UC to be the “primary carer, and your partner is paying her maintainance all of which are allowing her to be a stay at home mum. And thus her role as a stay at home mum should be to provide the lions share of care during school holidays, just as it’s your partners role to work, and pay maintenance.

I would have taken it that she’s on maternity leave? Either way does that mean because he works he doesn’t have to be with his kids?

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 10:40

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 23:58

He spends every day of his annual leave with SC. He would prefer to pay for childcare but I think SC would opt to stay at their mum’s, and that she’ll let them.

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But if their mum doesn't work and your DH is at work anyway then what's the problem with them being at their mums during the holidays?! And then you and your DH have them more weekends or evenings?

MsGinaLinetti · 10/12/2025 10:41

The arrangement needs changing because he can't keep his half of the holiday contact. It's also important that the alterations are handled well so as to best accommodate the sibling relationships

Audes12335678910 · 10/12/2025 10:41

Why should their real mother have to pick up the slack because the father won’t spend time with his kids and take responsibility? I bet he fought for to have them 50% of school holidays and just assumed someone else would pick up his slack. He’s their father so he should be picking up 50% of their care. He needs to stop having children if he can’t / won’t spend time with or organise proper childcare. It’s the kids suffering in this situation and the will grow to resent their new sibling. This could be an eye opener for OP if they break up down the line, childcare will fall on you.

Lifeasafish2 · 10/12/2025 10:42

Doesn't mum already do the lions share if dad lives an hour away?

TBH I have sympathy for these kids, their behaviour might deteriorate in part as kids are tired towards end of term, they end up spending loads of time together when they don't normally and on top of it these kids are doing it in a house they don't live in each day, maybe sharing rooms not all of their toys, different rules.

In any case - not the OP problem as such, dad needs to take time off to spend time and entertain his children.

Laptopinthelivingroom · 10/12/2025 10:44

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 10/12/2025 09:38

Surely if the mum isn’t working, then she is being paid (I presume) UC to be the “primary carer, and your partner is paying her maintainance all of which are allowing her to be a stay at home mum. And thus her role as a stay at home mum should be to provide the lions share of care during school holidays, just as it’s your partners role to work, and pay maintenance.

he should be using his leave to look after his children, absolutely but IMO the rest should be on the mum if she isn’t working… she’s a stay at home mum.

This is not your responsibility in any shape way or form: spinning it round, she’s getting 6 weeks “annual leave” from her kids a year. Whilst you (not their mum) is using ALL of yours. Fuck that.

Alot of presumptions here. Maybe her partner pays for her to be a SAHM or maybe she has savings or investments to do this. And if she had to give up work and claim UC it is likely due to OP's manchild neglecting his responsibility to care for the children 50% of the time. I'd put money on him paying a pittance in CM.

Why wouldn't your partner increase child maintenence if he has them less?

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 10:46

71Alex · 10/12/2025 08:31

Sounds like looking after all the children together is a two person job. Could you get a mother’s help type person for the days you or DP are looking after them alone? An extra pair of hands to cook, clear up, change nappies etc might change the dynamic and make it fun again.

Are you joking?! 😆

So the children's mum is sat at home, their dad is at work yet their dad's partner (not even wife) is looking after them with hired help to "make it fun"?!?!

All whilst her own child is in nursery?!

😂

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 10:46

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 10/12/2025 09:38

Surely if the mum isn’t working, then she is being paid (I presume) UC to be the “primary carer, and your partner is paying her maintainance all of which are allowing her to be a stay at home mum. And thus her role as a stay at home mum should be to provide the lions share of care during school holidays, just as it’s your partners role to work, and pay maintenance.

he should be using his leave to look after his children, absolutely but IMO the rest should be on the mum if she isn’t working… she’s a stay at home mum.

This is not your responsibility in any shape way or form: spinning it round, she’s getting 6 weeks “annual leave” from her kids a year. Whilst you (not their mum) is using ALL of yours. Fuck that.

This.

FollowSpot · 10/12/2025 10:46

It makes no sense to put your baby in nursery while you (and your DH) take care of the DSC. When do you get quality holiday time with your baby?

The kids probably are acting up because they see their Dad being full time Dad to a new baby, it's unsettling and disruptive for them. Maybe on one week your DH should take his Dc away while you spend time with your baby.

Pretty soon the 10 yo will want to stay close to friends etc.

I suspect your DH needs a re-set over how contact looks - but without framing it as 'Chip doesn't want to do it any more'. And if it means holiday clubs, it means holiday clubs. Plenty of kids go to them.

Though to be honest you would be completely within your rights to say you no longer want to spend 2.5 weeks of your own leave time looking after his kids on your own.

And just because you did it for a while doesn't mean you have signed up for life.

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 10:47

Tryingatleast · 10/12/2025 10:38

Chocbuttonsandredwine
Surely if the mum isn’t working, then she is being paid (I presume) UC to be the “primary carer, and your partner is paying her maintainance all of which are allowing her to be a stay at home mum. And thus her role as a stay at home mum should be to provide the lions share of care during school holidays, just as it’s your partners role to work, and pay maintenance.

I would have taken it that she’s on maternity leave? Either way does that mean because he works he doesn’t have to be with his kids?

Well no, but you can't put the burden on the dad's partner to use her own annual leave to look after kids that aren't even hers!!!

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/12/2025 10:48

Rainbow1901 · 10/12/2025 10:15

It sounds to me as if these children have become very manipulative and they are playing up whichever adult they are with. A case of divide and conquer - and they get their way by being unpleasant.
They have shown themselves to be sneaky by playing with the play station after hours and have now lost yours and your DPs trust. What you now need to do is to develop a strategy that works for your household - don't concern yourself with anyone elses.
Everything has changed because there are now new siblings in each household so the argument that his ex uses saying that they are not wanted because of your DD also applies to the new sibling at their mothers' home - so you need to throw that back whenever it is raised.
You work and their mother does not - so any issues/emergencies should be picked up by your DP and his ex. Take a step back and don't involve yourself - your free time/holidays is yours so you need to begin to take that back.
What goes on in your household is what is important here - the kids may whinge and complain that mum allows them to do whatever - but you are not interested in what happens elsewhere only with what goes on behind your front door. I wonder if a sort of reverse rewards chart would work here. By that I mean put a chart/piece of paper etc on your wall - every time good behaviour is marked up but so too is poor behaviour. Tot the totals up for the next holiday period - this will dictate the next day trip/activity. Poor behaviour means no outing. They need to learn consequences of good/poor behaviour. They also need to learn to entertain themselves - you are bending over backwards to entertain them - don't!! Have all your normal stuff for crafts, games etc available - but they entertain themselves - they will say they are bored but that's not your problem - there is nothing wrong with them being bored but they need to think for themselves. Sadly like many kids they are used to instant gratification with iPads etc so need to learn to think for themselves.
Don't work your annual leave around DP's children - apart from your week away with the kids. Your holiday is your free time/relaxation/emergency DD care. Your DP needs sort his DCs care - so book holiday camps and DP pays - there is allsorts out there - sports/acting/crafts. There are plenty of parents who have to take unpaid leave to look after their kids. Solo parenting his kids needs to stop - you are being used and it's not a pleasant thing anyway - they make sure of that with their behaviour.
It is hard with blended families but it all sounds very disjointed anyway with his ex living an hour away. What is the ratio of 50/50? and how is it achieved?

Hard disagree. Their mum and dad have split up, and now both parents have had a precious new baby with someone else. The SC are no longer part of any nuclear family and are acting up because of it. They are children, they are not 'manipulative', they are trying to get attention because they feel pushed out. And acting up is now kids do it.

Another 'blended family' that doesn't work for the older children who are shoved out of the nest by new arrivals. Sigh.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/12/2025 10:50

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 10:47

Well no, but you can't put the burden on the dad's partner to use her own annual leave to look after kids that aren't even hers!!!

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Yes but equally, it's not the kids' biological mother's responsibility to have her kids full-time because her feckless ex is too busy with work and a new baby.

And she's not being 'paid' by UC to look after her kids (if that's even what's happening as it actually sounds like she's on maternity leave). That's not how UC works.

Sprogonthetyne · 10/12/2025 10:51

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 10/12/2025 09:38

Surely if the mum isn’t working, then she is being paid (I presume) UC to be the “primary carer, and your partner is paying her maintainance all of which are allowing her to be a stay at home mum. And thus her role as a stay at home mum should be to provide the lions share of care during school holidays, just as it’s your partners role to work, and pay maintenance.

he should be using his leave to look after his children, absolutely but IMO the rest should be on the mum if she isn’t working… she’s a stay at home mum.

This is not your responsibility in any shape way or form: spinning it round, she’s getting 6 weeks “annual leave” from her kids a year. Whilst you (not their mum) is using ALL of yours. Fuck that.

Well that's a presumption and a half.

The kids have a new sibling on that side as well, so maybe she's on mat leave or been suported by new partner to car for that child. Maybe she has savings. Maybe she knows her kids can't cope in child care so has not choice to be around to car for them. Whatever the financial arrangements are within the kids other family has absolutely no bearing on the farthers responsibility to his children (time, care & financial)

Maintenance is for the additional time the residential parent has them, and is calculated based on how time is split (in most cases stopping if 50/50). It is not a payment for the parent looking after them, and certainly won't be what is paying for her to be a SAHM. It is reimbursement towards some of the costs the resident parent has already paid in food/cloths/activerties/utilities as a result of taking on more then half the care.

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 10:54

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/12/2025 10:50

Yes but equally, it's not the kids' biological mother's responsibility to have her kids full-time because her feckless ex is too busy with work and a new baby.

And she's not being 'paid' by UC to look after her kids (if that's even what's happening as it actually sounds like she's on maternity leave). That's not how UC works.

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I never said anything about UC in my post?

But my point being, if the dad is too busy with work to look after his kids, then this needs to be discussed between him and his ex (their mum). The OP really shouldn't be any factor in childcare arrangements. Certainly not to the degree where she is using her own AL to look after them yet having to send her own child to nursery!

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/12/2025 10:59

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 10:54

I never said anything about UC in my post?

But my point being, if the dad is too busy with work to look after his kids, then this needs to be discussed between him and his ex (their mum). The OP really shouldn't be any factor in childcare arrangements. Certainly not to the degree where she is using her own AL to look after them yet having to send her own child to nursery!

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Ah sorry, someone upthread said the mum was being 'paid' by UC to look after her own kids, which raised my eyebrows somewhat.

Agree that the stepmum (who isn't even married to their dad) shouldn't be stepping up to do his job of looking after his own children for him. But feel sad that it's almost certain that the older children are not getting much out of their 'blended' families.

Epidote · 10/12/2025 10:59

I will tell you what I would do. I would be a happy single mum of one. But I am very extreme on my view.
There is no easy fix to this as you have said the mother will say "they don't want you there now they have a baby" which is at some extend correct.
Your DP will say "why can't you do it if you were happy to do it before" because you have created the expectation etc, etc, yada, yada, yada.
Blended families are like they are.
To your question YANBU to want to change the arrangement. YABU to not see it coming.

Poppingby · 10/12/2025 11:01

I think there is discord and disagreement all round in the family and that's why they're playing up. You're not helping by making out your DP is blameless tbh. DP and ex need to get on the same page about the kids and they might stop being such little shits. This is not your fault or responsibility - except perhaps you do have a responsibility to tell DH to sort out his relationship with ex and kids. Maybe mediation would help.

Meanwhile yes your annual leave should be for your formal responsibilities which is your daughter. I think you could compromise a bit by having all 4 some days. After all the annoying kids are her siblings and she needs to have a relationship with them too.

TSnewbie · 10/12/2025 11:02

I don't think you have specified exactly how long you've had them for when this behaviour occurs. I find with my own kids that indeed, the first couple of days on holiday with them are hell. I'm used to my quiet office and I have to adjust to having the kids around all day. They are used to having school/their other activities and all of a sudden find themselves with no structure. What I have noticed however that after a couple of days it does get better. They will find another rhythm - some will be in bed longer in the morning etc. and things work out after 3-4 days. Probably I get more relaxed as well. Can it be this? And if not, then please know that they are at an age where they will rapidly change as well so while they find no better enjoyment than harass each other now may be very different in summer.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/12/2025 11:03

Chipmusk · 09/12/2025 22:27

The thing is, it’s not that I can’t do it anymore, but that I don’t want to.

In the past couple of years we’ve had a baby, and SC have gone from well-behaved sweethearts to beating seven shades of hell out of each other any second they’re unsupervised. It’s impossible to look after all four. So I’d be putting my baby in nursery whilst I use my holiday on SC, and tbh, I don’t want to.

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Don’t blame you.

Laptopinthelivingroom · 10/12/2025 11:03

How often does your partner have the kids overall?

Sartre · 10/12/2025 11:03

I honestly don’t know why people continue to have children with someone who has existing children when they have no desire to actually fully accept those children.

If your partner genuinely only sees his children for six weeks a year, this is hideous ‘parenting’ for starters but also, do you really question why they’re suddenly acting out? Their father sees them for a paltry amount of time and now has another child he sees every day. Of course they’re jealous and suffering emotionally.

Again, if I read this correctly and he only sees them for 6 weeks a year then he needs to fix his life and do more for his kids. If you don’t want to look after his children then whatever, he needs to use all of his annual leave on them not holidays with you.

DaisyChain505 · 10/12/2025 11:04

They are not your children and you have been very generous going up your valuable holiday allowance to look after them.

It is your partners responsibility to either look after them or pay for childcare.

KittyFinlay · 10/12/2025 11:15

Sartre · 10/12/2025 11:03

I honestly don’t know why people continue to have children with someone who has existing children when they have no desire to actually fully accept those children.

If your partner genuinely only sees his children for six weeks a year, this is hideous ‘parenting’ for starters but also, do you really question why they’re suddenly acting out? Their father sees them for a paltry amount of time and now has another child he sees every day. Of course they’re jealous and suffering emotionally.

Again, if I read this correctly and he only sees them for 6 weeks a year then he needs to fix his life and do more for his kids. If you don’t want to look after his children then whatever, he needs to use all of his annual leave on them not holidays with you.

The original post says, "plus term time."

There should never be an expectation to accept stepchildren as your own. That's actually quite intrusive. I felt that pressure in the early days of step-parenting and looking back, it wasn't helpful for anyone, least of all my stepdaughter.

She shouldn't be the primary carer for them during holiday time.

If he's taking annual leave then that should be for the benefit of all 5 of his family members. Most parents take most of their leave in school holidays in order to spend time as a family. However, most children spend some of the holidays in childcare and whether they like it or not is irrelevant. Particularly when they can't behave themselves at home.

By the time SD was 8 we would easily have been able to work from home with her around, she would have entertained herself. She didn't have anyone to fight with though.

Sartre · 10/12/2025 11:24

KittyFinlay · 10/12/2025 11:15

The original post says, "plus term time."

There should never be an expectation to accept stepchildren as your own. That's actually quite intrusive. I felt that pressure in the early days of step-parenting and looking back, it wasn't helpful for anyone, least of all my stepdaughter.

She shouldn't be the primary carer for them during holiday time.

If he's taking annual leave then that should be for the benefit of all 5 of his family members. Most parents take most of their leave in school holidays in order to spend time as a family. However, most children spend some of the holidays in childcare and whether they like it or not is irrelevant. Particularly when they can't behave themselves at home.

By the time SD was 8 we would easily have been able to work from home with her around, she would have entertained herself. She didn't have anyone to fight with though.

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Maybe it’s just me but I can’t fathom why someone chooses a partner who has existing children if they’re unwilling to fully accept and care for those children. There are plenty of potential childless partners out there.

Bloozie · 10/12/2025 11:33

You can't just duck out of parenting when kids get difficult. I think YABU. Not for being frustrated by the situation - annual leave is precious! - but for considering changing the way it works.

I am always out of step on threads like this though, because the established position seems to be, 'step-parents have no responsibility to their step-children'. I had a step-dad, and my husband is a step-dad to my son. Both men are just dads, taking the rough with the smooth. My older brother was very difficult as a teenager. My step-dad didn't just wash his hands of him because it was hard and didn't suit him, and he had his bio daughter now (my younger half-sister) so ugh just buzz off.

Being a step-parent is HARD. But you married a man who already had kids.