To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

This is how I feel. DP won’t like it but he doesn’t have any other options.

If they have joint finances, yes it is

Get your DH to look into parental leave, if I remembered correctly you are entitled to 12 weeks of unpaid (although some employers do pay) leave per child until they are 18. So DH has 36 weeks to use between his 3 other children.

A conversation with his manager could be helpful as they may be able to help come up with a solution that works.

If the children are used to having access to games consoles and other devices with their Mum, are they able to access something similar with you? Honestly as a parent of 4 children sometimes an iPad or a console made the difference in the holidays.

When our DC were younger we had strict timing for access to devices and making sure they did something physical during the day made a big difference.

We don’t, we’re not married

Long shot, but could your DP negotiate extra annual leave or change his working hours to enable him to cover more of the holidays?

Than yes its not your job and you are not unreasonable for not wanting to do it anymore.

I will talk to him about the unpaid leave (I actually looked into it for me and DD), thanks.

When it’s DP and I, we separate them and make sure they do exercise every day, and we allow limited time on their phones. We did buy a PlayStation so they could play but the physical violence got out of hand (plus sneaking down at night to play) and we ended up getting rid. Buying them each a TV and a PlayStation so they can play endlessly isn’t on the cards. I understand they’re addicted and bored at ours but I don’t think compromising all of my parenting standards is the answer.

A pretty silly argument. For some people it's possible and for others it isn't. Not to mention sometimes it's hello people would prefer to avoid even if they just about manage.

The thing is dad is working, not that he doesn't want them there. It's better they stay with their mum, than go to clubs they don't want to.

Don't feel bad about it.

Why did he decide to have four children if he didn’t want to parent four children?

He needs to take unpaid parent leave, if he refuses to do that he needs to either finance appropriate childcare, or financially compensate their mum for him failing to look after his children for a week.

You shouldn’t have to put your baby in childcare just to look after them. If you can’t look after all 4 of them, then put the SC in childcare or, better, some kind of club so they can enjoy themselves.

This is what unpaid parental leave is for. It's a statutory right to time off whilst DC are under 18. He's got time to book a week off at Easter (and subsequent times the DSC are with you). Obviously there will be financial implications as it's unpaid.

I haven’t had time to read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been suggested, but your DP has the right to request unpaid parental leave from work to look after his DC for all the weeks that he has them for in the school holidays - ie he takes over the weeks which you were due to do, as well as his own. If his employer agreed to that, the SC wouldn’t feel that they’d been usurped by the baby, and would have more time with their DF. Obviously there would be a financial hit but sometimes that just has to happen at various stages of parenting, and it might be less than the cost (and hassle) of childcare.

I always find it so stupid when people compare being a teacher to parenting. They are completely different dynamics.

DP could take unpaid parental leave if he doesn't ants to care the kids himself. Would he do that?

Once again it's the children I feel sorry for. In both households they have been pushed out for a new baby, it's no wonder they are playing up.
Also age wise they aren't going to just sit down and do crafts nicely, maybe occasionally but they are too old for that.

Yes dad should step in, and should look after all 4 rather than putting the baby in nursery when he is home. But also when you got into the relationship knowing her already had 3 children you kind of signed up to being involved in their lives. It sounds like you were happy to look after them until you had your own child and play at being mum.

Why wouldn't he pay more maintenance if they now stay with their mum more?
How would that impact your household? While you say you have separate finances surely if he has to spend more on maintenance or childcare then he has less to spend on the home with you.

I am also confused how neither of you are capable of parenting 4 children at once? Why have another child if you wouldn't cope. Why is he putting your child in nursery so he doesn't have to have all 4?
Unfortunately no matter what route you take all 4 children will grow up resenting each other because no parent cares about them all equally. Behaviour often changes when new children are introduced and these 3 children have had new siblings on both sides and have "parents" on both sides trying to get rid of them constantly no wonder they are acting out. To them both their parents have started new families and they are now an inconvenience, it's awful.
Also factor in if a man was saying he didn't want to help with his step children anymore there would be outcry from this forum, about how he started a relationship knowing they were there and he can't start a new family and change everything.
By all means reduce the time you help but I wouldn't cut it entirely as it will be seen as they aren't good enough for your attention now you have your own child.

This. I don't see anything to indicate they are "too old" for clubs, they don't get to refuse. Schools have holiday clubs that are not sport, or there's dance/drama/crafts/Mad Science.
In our house the expectation is that you do after school activities of your choice and if you don't, you don't earn screen time. Refusing to go to clubs = not earning your screen time.

It seems the main issue is their behaviour. It should be perfectly possible for all children to be at home. Did the behaviour start when baby was born? Your dh needs to tackle this as their relationship with him will be ruined if they think he's happily replaced them with a new baby

If the number of days she is having the children increases due to his lack of childcare, and she is funding all of the additional activities/food/utilities that come with that, then he needs to increase how much he pays.

He shouldn’t dictate how much maintenance he pays for his children based on his relationship with his ex and whether she’s nice to him or not. Jesus Christ.

let’s just get something straight, you’re not doing a favour for the partners ex, you’re being a parent in a blended family.

You either want to be part of a blended family or you don’t. Sounds like between you and your partner you’re sharing 50% which OSS exactly right.

You could make out solely your partners issue, but I wouldn’t expect him to choose between his existing 3 kids and his youngest - which is the position you’re putting him in.

Blended families are hard!

I actually think that's very fair, why does your young baby need to be in childcare so you can spend time ith his older kids?

He needs to juggle it all better.

That said what did he state he wanted to do re childcare for your daughter when you planned her?

YANBU. I’m shocked that you are putting your children into nursery so you can look after SC! No way should this be happening. They need to go into clubs if your DH isn’t around. What an absolute cheek that you’re being expected to put your children into nursery because SC don’t like clubs or babysitters. SC’s behaviour sounds like they’re used to getting their own way. It’s perfectly normal for any family to juggle school holiday cover with a mixture of clubs, babysitters and parents. It’s definitely not normal for you to have to forgo time with your children to look after unruly SC!

You knew he had children when you married him. They come as a package: when you took him on, you took the kids on as well. If circumstances have changed and you can't do it any more, then paid child care is your only option. If you simply don't want to, then that's a conversation you need to have with your husband. But if he felt he'd had the rug pulled out from under him, I wouldn't be surprised.

There's nothing wrong with the little one going to nursery when DSC are there, since it works for all parties. The problem is that DP thinks he should be able to pick and choose which DC he looks after at what time based on his preference and convenience, but doesn't think this right extends to you. He's a hypocrite.