£100 Christmas budget per teen, I feel awful

[ClypoClimb]

I have 2 DC, DD1 is 17 and DD2 is 15.
We don’t have any family support, we live in a small 2 bedroom house so they are still sharing a room, and tbh I feel like I always feel as though I’m just not doing enough for them. DD1 does have a part time job but it’s one day a week and she’s not making loads.

Anyway their dad had promised he’d contribute £200 per child to the Christmas budget; luckily they don’t need any big items like phones or laptops this year so I have budgeted £100 per child, on top of that. Well today their dad messaged saying he can no longer give anything.

DD1 has asked for a full size digital piano with semi weighted keys and a sustain pedal as she has been teaching herself and the keyboard they have right now is awful. I’ve looked on Amazon and they do seem to have some for £100-£120 but that would be either the entire budget or over budget. She’s also asked for some books which I think I’ll be able to get second hand, a skateboard and some beauty stuff that comes to about £50 total, so would have been fine on £300 but not fine on £100.
DD2 has asked for a vinyl record player, a Polaroid camera, some beauty stuff and a new pair of trainers (which alone quite expensive).

I feel really crappy and totally disengaged from Christmas now. Their dad doesn’t live locally and basically never sees them, so Christmas is all on me. I think for teens their lists were quite reasonable and now knowing I’ll hardly be able to get them anything has just upset me so much.

AIBU to feel like this?

I am fuming on your behalf OP. Why is everything left to the Mum, we have to absorb the stress,organise, pay and deal with the disappointment even if it's not our doing.
It's not as though Christmas is sprung on him ffs, he shouldn't be able to just withdraw all financial support, poor kids.
He should ask his family, use his credit card or sell something of his.What a crap excuse for a Dad.
Totally understand your frustration, it's also so difficult when their friends and the media portray this very indulgent time.💕

You sound lovely. Their dad is a knob. Sit them down and explain. Are you ok for money for food? Could some of that budget be shifted over a bit? Do you or the girls have unwanted stuff you could sell to get some cash in?
Definitely put something on the local FB to see if anyone has a keyboard. Good luck x

Gumtree is good for second hand instruments too. You said you are rural where fewer items come up. Do you have friends in more urban areas who might be able to look nearer to them & get stuff to you?

I think you need to put it into perspective for yourself. There are families who don't even have £100 to spare for Christmas and will be forgoing presents and using food banks.

I know you feel bad because it's the only time your children get big presents, but take the time to sit down with the kids and explain that you don't have as much money this Christmas and as such, you won't be able to buy the big ticket items and they can either adjust their wish list, or accept they may only get one big ticket item, which may be second hand.

£100 is a significant amount of money per child. I know it doesn't feel ideal but in reality, that's still a lot of money for presents.

Well I for one think you are doing a great job. I was a lone parent so I know how it feels ( I still feel like it abd my DC is in their 30s). That’s a lot of money each when you are their sole provider so you are doing a great job. Thry have a lovely home with mum, are loved and cared for, have clothes and all the basics so well done to you.

you have two options as thry are older you could do a basic stocking say £20 each with little bits and bobs and they get the rest as money to buy the one thing they really want. You might be able to get out after Christmas and find something on a good deal.

otherwise and what I would do as I’m a bit more quirky I guess. I would start with the record player, I have a cheap as chips one from b and m of all places from a few years ago but plays the records fine. I’d get the record player and then an assortment of old records from charity shops ebay and so on. Including lots of Christmas ones. Then I’d have that all set up in the lounge for Xmas morning so you all have a lovely day playing the probably terrible Christmas records. That’s the present for everyone for Christmas and can then either stay in the lounge or come down every xmas and they both share it in their room. Then with whatever’s left I’d buy them one thing each so for one the skateboard or beauty stuff the other the books or beauty stuff. There should still be money left over so I’d then divide whatever’s left between them to go towards the next thing they are after. I’m imagining you all dancing around the record player now having a great day together. What great memories when they are older.

Your kids are old enough to understand that there isn't the money there for them to have all they want unfortunately. £100 per kid is a decent amount and probably more than many others will be getting this year

I got this for my 15 year old as a cheap substitute for a polaroid. Much cheaper to buy and paper for it is cheap too
https://www.argos.co.uk/product/7815896

My two are getting £25 each as I just can’t afford it. Christmas isn’t about getting into debt. Thankfully they’ve not batted an eyelid.

I think those saying use klarna or credit cards are thinking short term.

Do not get yourself into debt for Christmas!

Your children are old enough to understand. Explain to them you have a £100 and to pick what they want in that budget.

Since when has £100 per child not been suitable?

OP,I think there is a Facebook page specifically for 2nd hand musical instruments? Though I expect it will be the same items as on marketplace.

I bought my DD’s gifts in vinted and got quite a few things half price (new items).

I would be honest with our DC’s, they are old enough to understand, and I wouldn’t be afraid of landing their father in it by telling them he has decided to contribute nothing to the Christmas pot. My DC’s are over 18 now and their father decided now they are adults they don’t get gifts for Christmas. Both my DC’s have SN’s, the youngest is mentally about 10 years old and still expects Christmas presents so it’s left to me to pay for them. My eldest understands money is tight and has enjoyed selecting gifts from vinted and saving ££’s.

I hope you manage to find the items you are looking for at a reasonable price.

Very much support this!

We've had some ridiculously expensive things on teenage lists in the past and we’ve just laughed out loud!

Larger presents have always been for birthdays in our household when you only have one to buy for with smaller gifts at Christmas.

OP can you contact cash for kids or one of the Christmas charities or Foodbanks? They may be able to assist with the like of the beauty sets etc? You aren’t failing at all.xx

Ahhhh I'm sorry OP but remember it really is the memories they'll treasure not the presents. As a piano player I'd advise getting a second hand keyboard that's a decent brand eg Roland or Yamaha rather than a cheap brand whatever your budget. I hope you can sort things xx

Look on Vinted and please don't feel you have to overspend. Explain the budget to your girls and discuss what you will all be doing for each other.

Do you honestly think Cash 4 Kids is for people with £200 to spend on Christmas presents?

Sorry their father is such a cunt.

Can you pick up anything second hand?

Omg what is wrong with £100 a child? Work harder to find something they will like that’s in your budget. £100 is plenty and much more than many kids.
Why dont you tell them the budget at their age?

First and foremost, your ex sounds like a waste of space for building up the kids' hopes (and yours) and then bailing completely. Even if his circumstances have changed, not even contributing a tenner to his own children's Christmas is pathetic. I'm so sorry.

Second, £100 per teen might not be enough for what your kids want but it's still more than a great many families can afford. You've not let them down at all. At their age, I'd be honest with them about the fact it's what you can afford and it's all come from your pocket; their dad decided not to contribute despite his initial promise.

As for the gifts you mention, Vinted and eBay may be good places to look for second hand items. If that's not possible then you could make a contribution (e.g. if the keyboard is £150, you give £100 to your daughter and then the remainder can come from her wages, or pocket money, or for her birthday).

Longer term, your children won't remember the gifts they got; they'll remember the time you spent together and the core memories created. You haven't let them down at all and you sound like you're doing your very best at a challenging time.

Are they used to having a lot more spent on them at Christmas? My kids get around £100 spent on them and are happy with that. I never realised that was considered a low amount. Obviously people spend a lot more but I don't feel my kids are unfortunate.
Do you think you're putting pressure on yourself because you can't afford to spend more? If it makes you feel any better, lot's of people choose to spend that amount regardless of being able to afford more. Spending money isn't the most important thing at Christmas, focus on quality family time 😊

I'm so sorry you are upset like this. I would be too in your place. Your ex is a gobshite. Whenever I'm feeling poorly about my husband I come here and realize so many women just have it so much worse. $100 will be fine. Some years we all have more than others.

EBay snd Back Market are your friend here
Give your daughter money eg £50 towards keyboard and suggest she ask relatives for money as well, buy off eBay ( collection) they will be cheap around now as people will be mainly buying new for Xmas and she can chose something suitable.
back market is very good for tech and recycling is cool and good for the planet.

buy useful stuff they will need and you get anyway such as socks, makeup and toiletries as stocking fillers
pyjamas, duvet covers and bedding, are good presents and functional

buy stuff from eBay as people will be decluttering and would be money you’d spend anyway. combine items if you can and ask for discounts including postage

Family tub of chocolates to share from food budget.
rest of £50
Music - subscriptions so pay as you go- spread over year. Cinema ticket vouchers plus one maybe on cheap night.
Day out / local theatre may do cheap tickets and no travel costs.

Have you looked on Amazon for a bits? For example
the instax mini 12 is £69 or advertised on mine as “Or £13.80 /month (5 months)
at no interest with Amazon“

Wonder if you can also get this sort of deal for the keyboard as well?

looks like it’s a good option.

Quite honestly, I’d say “shit, DD1 had a growth spurt and the £100 I was putting towards her keyboard had to go towards new uniform. DD’s £100 had to go on the boiler, as it broke again. Shit, they’re not going to get any Christmas presents at all now. What should we do?”

See what he replies

I would avoid debt and yes definitely talk to them about this including making sure that they know that the gifts are just from you.

However, I like a challenge so I would see if I could make a bit of extra cash, there are ideas on the money matters board on here, money saving expert or the fun money club. You could look at doing a bank switch or decluttering and selling items. Maybe get your dc to help?

I haven’t RTFT so apologies if someone has already suggested this.

have you tried asking on any of your local Facebook sites? It’s pretty common where I live (not the UK) around this time of year to see posts asking if anyone has X book or Y that they are looking to get rid of as you need some extra help with gifts, and also even asking if anyone is able to help out with gifts. I’m wondering if this is a ‘thing’ there or not? I always contribute if I have something someone is looking for, and I’ve gifted them items on their list (like an Amazon wish list) a fair few times also. As I said, it’s pretty common where I live but appreciate it might not be over there.