£100 Christmas budget per teen, I feel awful

[ClypoClimb]

I have 2 DC, DD1 is 17 and DD2 is 15.
We don’t have any family support, we live in a small 2 bedroom house so they are still sharing a room, and tbh I feel like I always feel as though I’m just not doing enough for them. DD1 does have a part time job but it’s one day a week and she’s not making loads.

Anyway their dad had promised he’d contribute £200 per child to the Christmas budget; luckily they don’t need any big items like phones or laptops this year so I have budgeted £100 per child, on top of that. Well today their dad messaged saying he can no longer give anything.

DD1 has asked for a full size digital piano with semi weighted keys and a sustain pedal as she has been teaching herself and the keyboard they have right now is awful. I’ve looked on Amazon and they do seem to have some for £100-£120 but that would be either the entire budget or over budget. She’s also asked for some books which I think I’ll be able to get second hand, a skateboard and some beauty stuff that comes to about £50 total, so would have been fine on £300 but not fine on £100.
DD2 has asked for a vinyl record player, a Polaroid camera, some beauty stuff and a new pair of trainers (which alone quite expensive).

I feel really crappy and totally disengaged from Christmas now. Their dad doesn’t live locally and basically never sees them, so Christmas is all on me. I think for teens their lists were quite reasonable and now knowing I’ll hardly be able to get them anything has just upset me so much.

AIBU to feel like this?

Explain to them how tight finances are. They are old enough to understand even if they won't be happy about it. £100 is a nice amount even if it won't buy them what they currently want. Look for second hand items. There are lots of places to check as people have already mentioned.

There is nothing wrong with sharing a room, plenty of children share bedrooms.

I disagree with people suggesting borrowing money off others or using credit cards. Try to keep within your means.

Debts can build up and out of control very quickly so it's best to avoid that if you can.

Why can their dad now not give anything? That's not ok, why does he get to opt out of it all? I would push him for something towards their presents, even if it's for the extra bits, like the books and beauty stuff.
I would tell your dd that you're looking out for a second hand one but nothing has come up yet and so it will be later next year when you get it. I expect you can get a better one if you buy second hand - this is usually worth it for musicial instruments. She is old enough to understand.

Does he not pay maintenance?

Honestly, I don’t really know?
He is and always has been incredibly selfish, he’s self employed so underreports when it comes to tax and child maintenance. He struggled with alcohol for years and has always shown little interest in his children. Normally he does contribute at Christmas though, I’m not sure why he bailed this year, he didn’t explain, just said he couldn’t anymore.

Regardless of what the OP’s ex has done, £100 is still a large amount to spend on each child for Christmas! It’s far more than many people would spend.

I would highlight to dear daddy that his name will not be going on any of the presents so if he wants to have a relationship with his kids he should get them an item from the christmas list.

He pays some maintenance, but he is self employed and underreports his earnings both for tax and child maintenance (lots of cash in hand jobs).

Why has the dad gone from £200 per child to nothing? Can he not do less but at least something? Does he pay child support?

They're old enough to understand surely that father has let them down, not you?

I'd keep searching for 2nd hand where you can, but they should be able to understand your situation and be mature enough to deal with it.

It doesn't hurt anyone to not have exactly what they want when they want it - it can be a valuable life lesson for future resilience.

The valuable things are time with them, love and support, not money or things.

I’d try Facebook for the keyboard. You can usually find one.

If either wants skincare/bath products I’ve got some discount codes for bubblet where you get £10 off and just pay postage. If you inbox me I’ll send them over x

Hi OP, I don’t know if this is helpful but I got my daughter’s Yamaha digital keyboard on finance (keyboard, stand and pedals). Worked out at £60 a month and you’ll get a months grace. I know it’s not ideal but perhaps an option.

Awesome books or world of books are great for secondhand books in really good condition. Make sure you have a good look online for the cheapest place for trainers, there's lots of promo codes if you post which ones you're looking for someone might be able to help.
Boots are doing 3 for 2 on some beauty stuff.
You won't be able to get everything but im sure if you explained their dad let them down they will be grateful. When my dd did her list she said she wasn't expecting all of it so im sure they won't mind if if a few bits aren't bought.

I voted YABU but only because your question was AIBU to feel like this, and yes, I think you are. You haven't let them down, their dad has. I don't have teens but it seems their lists are quite heavy - are they perhaps used to having dad contribute every year so they know they can ask for a bit more? Honestly at their ages I would explain to them in advance that dad is no longer contributing so their lists will need prioritising and simplifying. This is not your fault and they will have an amazing Christmas by how you make them feel, not how many presents they have to unwrap and how much they cost (cliche I know, but it's true!). I barely remember presents I got but I do remember feeling cosy and Christmassy, that's the important part.

Its an ok budget, just explain to them they need to pick what they really want.

I think they are both old enough to understand the situation so you can be honest. I also don't think you need to protect their dad, they're not little children who would be too young and impressionable.

I also think its an opportunity to talk to them about choices they make now that will impact their future lifestyle. They have expensive present lists and are not far off adulthood and providing for themselves. What are their education and career plans to give themselves a comfortable life?

It's not ideal but ou can do your best with what you have. And help prepare them to be financially independent and live a lifestyle they will enjoy in future

I do understand that and we are spending about £100 on our daughter but it is different as she has uncles, aunts and grand parents getting her presents too. For people without family support christmas is particularly hard!

There is also a difference between telling a teenager they can get up to £300 worth of stuff and cutting it to £100 right before xmas. I think as well knowing your dad chose to give you nothing would sting more than any money or present (my dad tended to forget birthdays and it’s only as an adult I’ve become okay with that). If the budget was always £100 that would be no problem.

Thats my budget too x

Mine teens have a £100 max budget for Christmas. You need to set their expectations

OP, your dd could get an electric with full weighted keys on marketplace for 80 quid, they sell regularly.
But other than that their lists seem quite excessive.
£100 per teen seems very adequate from parents. Will they get any other small gifts from relatives?
They should only really expect 1 gift from you. So trainers or a vinyl recorder or a Polaroid camera. Definitely not all of those!

We can only spend 30 pounds per child this year and it's fine as they are young but honestly please don't be guilted into thinking £100 is inadequate. Only 1 gift from you pe4 child is needed.

I think you need to tell your children the situation. Say there is £100 each and how would they like it spent. I agree with talking to their Dad and asking if he can give anything or is he sorting out his own presents. I dont think you should be putting stuff on credit cards.

Contact their Dads parents/ your ex in laws and tell them how shitty he’s been and do they want to give their granddaughters anything?

They must know money is very tight so get pj's from primark and smellies etc from home bargains or even temu if you get ordering now for delivery before Christmas, then plan for next year by putting money aside every month.

Their Father is unfair a selfish shit.
I am sure they'll understand that you well let down.

As they are not young children I agree with talking to them and being honest about the budget and explaining to them that their dad is not contributing anything this year. They are surely old enough to accept that their dad isn't involved in their lives and surely know you cannot afford much. I agree with suggestions of looking for the items second hand or getting them to choose what their main choice would be from their list.