£100 Christmas budget per teen, I feel awful

[ClypoClimb]

I have 2 DC, DD1 is 17 and DD2 is 15.
We don’t have any family support, we live in a small 2 bedroom house so they are still sharing a room, and tbh I feel like I always feel as though I’m just not doing enough for them. DD1 does have a part time job but it’s one day a week and she’s not making loads.

Anyway their dad had promised he’d contribute £200 per child to the Christmas budget; luckily they don’t need any big items like phones or laptops this year so I have budgeted £100 per child, on top of that. Well today their dad messaged saying he can no longer give anything.

DD1 has asked for a full size digital piano with semi weighted keys and a sustain pedal as she has been teaching herself and the keyboard they have right now is awful. I’ve looked on Amazon and they do seem to have some for £100-£120 but that would be either the entire budget or over budget. She’s also asked for some books which I think I’ll be able to get second hand, a skateboard and some beauty stuff that comes to about £50 total, so would have been fine on £300 but not fine on £100.
DD2 has asked for a vinyl record player, a Polaroid camera, some beauty stuff and a new pair of trainers (which alone quite expensive).

I feel really crappy and totally disengaged from Christmas now. Their dad doesn’t live locally and basically never sees them, so Christmas is all on me. I think for teens their lists were quite reasonable and now knowing I’ll hardly be able to get them anything has just upset me so much.

AIBU to feel like this?

My budget for dd3 who is 17 is about £40 and she is 18 a couple of days after Christmas and I'm hoping to scrape up about the same for that. Dd1 and dd2 are much older and I'm budgeting £20 each and ds (22) will be about the £40 mark. To me Christmas is more about the family getting together than presents.

I would have an honest conversation with them. Tell them the budget is lower than you'd wanted. Ask them to prioritize what they'd like, or that you will choose them one thing from the list.
100 doesn't go super far with teens, as I know too well!

They are old enough to understand it. I will tell them and let them choose what is their priority with the 100 pounds allowance.

Why do the kids need to get so many presents- a camera and a record player and a piano and so and so …. Isnt that contributing to them growing to be materialistic. The goal of Xmas is to meet family members, exchange a few gifts of appreciation- not a time to spoil kids so then they expect more and more presents each year (not to mention there are also birthdays).

I would recommend 1 nice valuable gift per kid, so they can value that and appreciate it. The more you give and they have the more they loose appreciation.

best of luck, I wish you well

dont factor in the dad when you’re single parenting.

if you don’t have money you’ll have to be honest. 100 isn’t too bad. Maybe just tell them that’s what you’ve got for them. Then next year build up stash of gifts or savings as you go so it’s not a December problem

look on gumtree and eBay for a keyboard, there's always loads going second hand.
same with the vinyl and a polaroid. secondhand.

do you drive as this will give you more options for pick up. or have anyone who can help with pick up.

tell them the other stuff will have to wait. its okay to delay gratification and for them to understand that money is sometimes sparse.

If they're old enough to ask for these items they're old enough to 7nderst they're expensive. Why not give them the new budget and ask them to make a new list.

My children are all adults but the most expensive things they've asked for are a CD boxed set and a switch game, not the same child.

Its easy for parents who have lots of who buy presents or who very well off. For everyone else its tough. Can you speak to dad and tell him what the impact is of this? If not be honest with your daughters.

Dd3 (17) has a 7 year old phone, a 10 year old kindle and she knows money is tight. We only have my parents to buy presents and obviously her 3 siblings. I'm sure she will be ecstatic about the potato peeler ds has bought her for university next year! We do have an electric piano as during covid ds and her could not use the school pianos. I borrowed the money from dd2 and paid her back as and when. It was necessary though as both were doing high grades.

£100 is really not enough especially with teens, Christmas is about giving them what they truly want and sometimes the pair of trainers they want are £100 alone. Everything is expensive now. I really feel for you OP, can you not speak to their dad? Tell him the reality that the girls aren’t going to get much at all it’s not on he has bailed like this. Prick. Do as much second hand sourcing as you can Vinted etc, get on Temu or SHEIN for stocking fillers. I know this won’t be popular advice but I’d be looking at getting a 0% credit card if possible for the bigger items.

I think £100 is enough to spend on presents. I’m not a parent but my experience growing up and with nephews I’m shocked to hear how much you spend on the kids. Hopefully they’d will understand that you can’t afford more and can enjoy Christmas together with food, games and spending time together.

Firstly, you haven’t let them down.

Secondly, they are old enough to understand, support and sympathise about your (and they’re situation). Unfortunately, our modern world seems to expect instant gratification in everything. I remember when young that if I wanted something really big (like a keyboard) I would have to save up for it. I might tell people (parents, family, friends) that I wanted money for birthday/ Christmas towards that. I might then get enough from my Christmas/ birthday money to get it if I was lucky or I might not and then would save pocket money/ odd job money, etc. for the rest.

Absolutely, it’s not as special to give money towards something, rather than the actual thing. But that’s the reality and surely it’s better to have them understand the situation that to set unrealistic expectations and try to meet those.

When my parents were growing up it was a hanky and a clementine and maybe a book or pencil case or something. I always remember my Dad telling that one year he was given a bicycle pump. He had to do odd jobs if he wanted to save up for the bike!!!

It’s tough and must be hard, especially when comparing to others, but you’re doing brilliantly bringing them up and Christmas is really only one day.

By the way, I really love that your children want a digital piano and a record player for their Christmas presents. That’s really cool and totally wonderful. Clearly you are doing so much right in their bringing up that they have such great interests and it’s not all computer and phone and trainer related. They sound great!

You have my every sympathy @ClypoClimb . I’ve found few people understand that some of us have nobody to help out, nobody, and how draining that is…especially when you had thought their other parent was involved. At least for now on you know to only trust your input…and your girls will really appreciate you being such a good Mum. My adult children all have loving relationships with me and none with their father due to things like this.

I suggest you talk to them honestly and ask what they would like you to prioritise gift wise, even foodwise for the festive period in case you can save some £s there. One of my favourite Christmases was when I insisted as a teen that the meal should really be each individual’s favourite/feast food and therefore I most wanted Heinz Tomato Soup and a tuna sandwich. My parents made me this whilst they enjoyed their roast and I was really happy!!

My random thoughts are:

• I spent nothing like £100 a head on my teen DC. (Yes that was 20 years ago, but I was earning twice as much as I do now, with half the outgoings.) Some of my richer friends did, but I never felt the need to keep up with them.
• As far as extended, 'gift-giving' family were concerned, DC had just the one set of grandparents - and culturally, they saw Xmas as a time for food and family, not presents. So up to the age of 13 or 14, kids got things like books, clothing and small toys (not all at once). As they grew older, having just one token gift from them was a sign of adulthood, that they didn't need a pile of things to play with.
• There is a cost-of-living crisis and massive inflation. Before that, we've had a credit crunch, recessions and austerity. There's always going to be some general economic crap, on top of personal financial disasters like unemployment, debt or divorce. That's why it really helps to bring kids up with reasonable gift expectations.
• According to Citizens Advice, average personal debt in the UK is £7,000-£8,000 per person, not including the mortgage. For what they call 'negative budget households', where spending on essentials exceeds income, average debt is £10,000, with single-parent households particularly affected. That's how people apparently 'afford' their lifestyle.

Please resist pressure from your kids and society in general to spend beyond your means, OP. Debt charities like Citizens Advice have sober facts about debt and what it's doing to our mental health.

It infuriates me that you are the one feeling bad when he is the one who is letting them down. Please be honest with them and explain that he has said this. It may hurt but they deserve to know you are doing your best and that he is the one letting them down.

Can you call him and ask him to reconsider, and say they ask for almost nothing and he contributes so little, can he please keep this promise so you can buy some of the things on their list that they most want.

OP, sign up for Freecycle and join as many local groups as you can, including any in reachable towns, and ask for an electric piano. I have received one before. and given two away via Freecycle. You are not limited to seeing what is on offer. You can list a wanted item. And you're not limited to your own local group. You can ask in neighbouring groups. If you can get to an area to collect it, then include that area in your search. people may still be doing clear outs.

Check every local site regularly - at least once a day, and contact people politely, promising when you can collect. If it's an item you really would like for your DC, always say, if this item has already been offered to someone who then doesn't collect it, please do think of me, as I am still very interested and happy to collect at your convenience. Lots of people get let down on freecycle and you can get good things by promising to be reliable.

If you can't get anything worthwhile in this way, then look for the items that cost around £60-70 on their lists and buy one each as the main present, then use the remaining £30 to do a really nice stocking of small items from their lists and a couple of small surprises - even if it's just a 99p face mask from Superdrug or poundstore make up brushes.

i never understand the consumerism of Christmas! We are actually well off and spent less than £100 a head on our young adults. I agree this is possibly because they hardly want anything as they get what they need throughout the year . The boys never ask for anything else and the girl does have a list but doesn’t expect everything on there.
Do people spend so much money on Christmas because they don’t the rest of the year?

This might be a crazy idea but can you make Christmas more about giving, spending family time together. It would actually do them good and also take the pressure off you. Like you all volunteer somewhere, to make them realise how lucky they are. Put an emphasis on home made gifts that are thoughtful, or funny cheap gifts.

Make it more about the experience, go to some Christmas carols, have lots of memorable traditions you do on the day like play games, make Xmas cookies, if you google it you can probably get quite inventive. Probably crazy but just an idea.

£100 is enough. I set the same budget for our teenagers and they have been creative in choosing what they want from that. They are happy. Your kids are going to be happy to. Honestly, don’t beat yourself up x

Sorry it’s probably been said but I can’t read through all the comments. Have a look at cash converters for the digital piano and record player, most stores will post. I get a lot of the kids tech stuff from them, tend to be the cheapest for second hand and easy to return if any issues. I know how you feel, often in the same boat at Xmas. I’ve done some I-O-U type gifts before - theme park trips, shopping trips etc for a date in the future when I know I’ll manage it, and buy the cheaper things they want for Xmas morning. I put these on scratch cards from Etsy xx

I am sorry you feel bad, but I think you are being unreasonable to think you have to get them everything they want. I would get DC 1 the keyboard and unless she needs to books for schools ask her to save up to them or get them from the library. Ask DC2 to pick one thing (or if she prefers two cheaper things) from her list. I would prioritise the keyboard as DC 1 has taken the time to learn that should be rewarded. I don think this is at all unfair as the whole family can use the keyboard, whereas the present for DC 2 is just for her.

Also can you get the electric piano second hand (although it may be safer to get a new one in case it breaks). Another consideration is that uprights are often given away for free if you have the space, but you would need to pay for it to be tuned.

We are lucky to be very comfortable, but I would never feel bad about not getting my DC everything on their Christmas list. It sounds like you are a really kind mother.

Because OP no one who says they can do gifts on £100, or who say £100 is ok would ever dream of spending £100 on a pair of trainers. It’s a ridiculous price that families doing Christmas on £100 can’t afford. The kids would have a different brand, second hand, or get a job.
If spending this amount for Christmas’s is very important to you I’d suggest opening another bank account and paying over a monthly standing order.

@ClypoClimb yanbu to be a bit down about. They sound like good kids and your ex sounds like a real twat.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t feel like this, but 100 pounds isn’t a bad amount. It’s a lot more than some kids get spent on them.

Would their dad maybe consider £50 each if he wont go the whole £200 - better than nothing. I'd defo get them to choose just the one thing they want the most off their lists - absolutely not worth getting into debt for.

Oh no that's awful of him. If you'd known earlier it would be easier to work it. I don't spend more that but managing expectations this close is bound to make you feel bad.
Just be honest with them and ask them what they can prioritise, what they could get 2nd hand, what can go on the wait list, etc and try some special free traditional things to make you all feel better.
I used to go out every night singing carols (to each other not the neighbours) and looking at everyone's Christmas lights with my boys