£100 Christmas budget per teen, I feel awful

[ClypoClimb]

I have 2 DC, DD1 is 17 and DD2 is 15.
We don’t have any family support, we live in a small 2 bedroom house so they are still sharing a room, and tbh I feel like I always feel as though I’m just not doing enough for them. DD1 does have a part time job but it’s one day a week and she’s not making loads.

Anyway their dad had promised he’d contribute £200 per child to the Christmas budget; luckily they don’t need any big items like phones or laptops this year so I have budgeted £100 per child, on top of that. Well today their dad messaged saying he can no longer give anything.

DD1 has asked for a full size digital piano with semi weighted keys and a sustain pedal as she has been teaching herself and the keyboard they have right now is awful. I’ve looked on Amazon and they do seem to have some for £100-£120 but that would be either the entire budget or over budget. She’s also asked for some books which I think I’ll be able to get second hand, a skateboard and some beauty stuff that comes to about £50 total, so would have been fine on £300 but not fine on £100.
DD2 has asked for a vinyl record player, a Polaroid camera, some beauty stuff and a new pair of trainers (which alone quite expensive).

I feel really crappy and totally disengaged from Christmas now. Their dad doesn’t live locally and basically never sees them, so Christmas is all on me. I think for teens their lists were quite reasonable and now knowing I’ll hardly be able to get them anything has just upset me so much.

AIBU to feel like this?

I usually have a budget of £120 per child but have spent all of £85 on my 17 year old this year.

He honestly just doesn't 'want' or 'need' anything and is hard to buy for. Hes getting aftershave, bedding, a new bag, a book, a few of games etc... plus a stocking with some sweets, bottle opener, keyring, pen and novelty socks etc...

It seems really boring and like not much really but hes a teen now so I think thats pretty common (teens don't expect huge piles of big presents) and if I buy more for the sake of it it will end up sat unused so £100 isn't a 'bad' budget, its more than I spent.

Don't get into debt. Talk to your teens and ask them to prioritise what they want most.

If it's any consolation, I'm spending less than £100 on my 18-year old. I've recently paid for driving lessons and an expensive school trip, so it's pretty much token stuff so she has something to open on Christmas day.

Hi OP, it’s so hard, as parents there is real pressure to put on a happy Christmas for DC. Particularly hard when you have no support and money tight.

I would honestly do this in your shoes -

With your ages of teenage DC I’d have an upfront chat with them. Talk with them and be open about the Christmas budget. How you frame this will make a world of difference. Don’t go in with droopy head all sad and apologetic wringing your hands - be positive! ‘Hey! We have £100 this year for you and DSib and I’d love to chat with you now about what you’d like most on Christmas Day. Would you like one big thing (like the piano/ keyboard) from that £100 or a couple/ few smaller things?’

Be positive and if they have their heart set on other things then you can make a plan for how they can be budgeted for/ saved for after Christmas. Focus on the brilliant thing / things they can choose from their £100. There is such pressure to have everything on the day but it can still be special on a budget and a family fun day with games, food and favourite Christmas film etc.

I would speak to them individually to reduce the moan factor and hopefully engage them personally about what they want to prioritise for their gift/s.

I never get this, I have found the teenage years got a LOT cheaper really as did many friends. Its damn near impossible to spend money on my teen as he has what he needs and only every uses the same handful of things really no matter how much new stuff we buy.

I found once they have a computer and/or 'games console' theres not really a huge amount they seem to want. Thread the other day was saying how common it is to give money to teens/adults instead of buying because they just don't need anything.

Honestly @ClypoClimb I think this is very much an example of comparison being the thief of joy.

My teen kids have £100 each including all relatives, no birthday presents or random gifts. They are very happy with what they receive.
As a child my Mum got us second hand things to give us a bigger pile. When I look back I felt it was too much.

I’m genuinely curious how are all these teen parents covering phones/make-up/perfumes/musical instruments/sports equipment/other hobby equipment on £100 a year?

When my DD needs a new tennis racket that is Christmas or birthday, when she needs new trainers for athletics that’s Christmas or birthday, if they want make up that’s Christmas or birthday, if they want trainers that aren’t the cheapest I can find, that’s Christmas of birthday, if they want a phone, Christmas or birthday, laptop Christmas or birthday and so on.

How are people doing all this on £100?
Or do you get your children sports equipment/musical instruments/nicer clothes etc. through the year?

My children only get at Christmas and Birthday no other time of year. The only other spending I do is basic clothes, basic toiletries and school supplies.

They have two parents, 1 has failed them and 1 is showing up and being the best parent they can have. It’s a really disappointing thing to happen BUT they are old enough, and sound like lovely girls so they will understandably be upset but they will accept it. Tell them the truth, that their dad let them down. They are old enough to know what happened. What a shit person. sorry op.

Do not put it on credit! My advice. It’s a slippery slope. They’re old enough to understand and IMO should be told it’s their Dad who ‘can’t afford it’ as I think you should get the credit for budgeting hard for them. I’d be honest and say Santa has had to cut back and would they do another list with the new budget. The DC who wants the piano could have the money towards one and contribute the rest herself, for example, when she can. It’s not ideal but you’re setting a wonderful example of working hard budgeting to provide for them and they should all grow up with a decent work ethic if there are things they want but can’t afford?

People are talking nonsense. It is expensive to have children and all their wants and desires. And they only get it twice a year.
Most people I know buy stuff all year round. So your kids are really very understanding and sound very grateful as well.

I agree OP - that’s a tough budget.

BUT what I would be saying is girls unfortunately your dad can’t contribute to Xmas this year so the budget is £100.

Thats going to be quite painful for them but he sounds like he’s already a very limited father and they are going to learn (in a hard way) that mum cares and he doesn’t.

As others have said, keep looking on marketplace, eBay and gumtree for the record player and keyboard. Also if you have a second hand instrument shop anywhere in driving distance, that could be good. Hopefully something comes up. Then you could get the books and beauty products. I think the camera and trainers might have to wait till their birthdays? They’re old enough to understand.

@ClypoClimb "I’m genuinely curious how are all these teen parents covering phones/make-up/perfumes/musical instruments/sports equipment/other hobby equipment on £100 a year?"

Buying second hand and cheaply, and saying no

right now on vinted a pair of Adidas Sambas new with box are £35, in my area there is a guitar on FB marketplace for £30, makeup for teens I would stick to affordable brands like revolution and affordable body sprays not the bougie stuff. Add in some chocolate, fuzzy socks and some hair accessories or a fun mug and that is a decent Christmas in my books!

I do think a lot of it is "keeping up with the Jones'" - if we all fuck that idea off we won't have to compete with each other!

There are record players on vinted now for £20 polaroid and instax cameras on from £15
There are keyboards too but I don't know what specs you need

You're not being unreasonable yo be annoyed at a promise made and not honoured.

But I wonder what you would have budgeted had no such promise been made in the first place.

I feel that £100 is fine for those ages. It may not be what some spend but its also more than many can afford.

Talk to your DC. Explain that only Mum is getting them presents this year and prioritise.

Do not buy them presents on any kind of pay later platform or CC.

Teaching your children that getting into debt for trivial reasons (and let's face it presents are trivial by comparison) is foolish would be a great lesson for them to learn.

One day they may remember that as the best present they ever got from a loving mum.

Yes I do buy lots of second hand and say no (though my children know better than to ask for things out of budget). When it comes to music/sports/books though I find it much harder to say no, there are so many benefits to teens being engaged in hobbies and I never want to discourage this. Especially sports (not this Christmas but DD1s birthday ended up being all sports equipment) as I think it’s so important for teens to be out, active and healthy.

Oh if you can't afford the polaroid now - don't. You won't be able to afford the film down the line and the camera will be pointless.

I'm sorry OP? It is hard when there are no gifts from wider family or friends.
I hope you manage to convince the dad to contribute a little at least.

I agree with you OP, I don’t think there are many people in your exact position where as you say this £100 is ultimately their only “opportunity” to have something non-essential until their birthday and where there is absolutely nobody else buying for them, it does make it trickier.

Second hand can be great for lots of things so it’s definitely worth a look but I appreciate even second hand doesn’t = free.

I hope you can convince their dad to send at least some money to help pay for their Christmas.

They’re not. Those saying they do are lying. A pair of fashionable trainers alone are £100. Phone is several. Make up you can do on a budget & perfume there are good dupes. A £100 would be sufficient if all they wanted was makeup & dupe perfume. If they want trainers then the best you could do with what’s in fashion would be addidas sambas for £90. Don’t let people get you down. You are not in the wrong to feel miffed that the Christmas you was hoping to provide has been taken away, my 15yo son is into designer clothes & despite not getting them a decent Nike one is still at least £70. Now there are cheaper hoodies around but if I got him one from primark he just would never wear I’m assuming your daughter would be the same with her trainers

And FB marketplace, gumtree, and any other 2nd hand or giveaway site. People often have no further use for such things and would be pleased to find them a good home.

OP, I think you’re right, in your situation this is a very tight budget to work with as it is the only chance you have to go beyond the essentials.

I do think your first step is to go back to your ex. Tell him this isn’t good enough with 2 weeks to go, what can he afford? Or can he send it in January? He sounds useless but it’s worth a try. If he does agree to January, don’t spend it until you see it, explain to your children you will buy things when he helps.

For now I think you have to have a conversation with them about what is their priority for a £100 budget.

And whatever you do, don’t get into debt over it. This isn’t your fault and your children need to understand that.

I bought my daughters from a music shop with a 0% payment plan. Maybe see if that is an option.

@ClypoClimb I have a brand new Polaroid camera in box etc. you’d be welcome to it. Will pop you a dm ☺️

If he could contribute £50 each at least you could get a few extra things. To go from a very generous £200 each to nothing is just not fair. Though, I think you should get the piano if you can find one in budget, even if it means no little extras to open.