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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to be a witness against colleague??

667 replies

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 14:28

Christmas party, a few nights ago. At a hotel, as it was timed with a big sales meeting, so everyone staying over, 200 ish people, free bar as well as a formal dinner.
Drinking very much encouraged. Staff ages ranged from early 20s to the senior staff in their 50s. Everyone VERY merry.
One colleague, let’s call her Jenny, got a bit carried away, throwing shapes on the dance floor, too touchy feely with men and women apparently then groped one older male colleagues testicles at which point friends grabbed hold of her and steered her off up stairs to her room.
She escaped. Came back down - paralytic at this point - and flashed her boobs at a senior male colleague! In the side bar area so fewer people around me being one of them. Another colleague and I intervened and friends got her again and put her to bed, this time someone stayed with her.

Now I’m being asked to come and tell what I saw to her line manager. I’m in training for an event at the moment so it’s common knowledge that I wasn’t drinking and was sober.

I really don’t want to. She’s lovely, usually quiet and sensible, the company got her poleaxed and now want to carpet her. I’m not a bloody snitch plus - why can’t the guy she flashed at say what happened. Why do I need to be involved???

I’ve been working away since the party so have no idea what is being said in office other than the OMG, Jenny! What was she doing??? Messages. But trust me, there’s plenty of stories from that night… so she’s in good company.

YABU - snitch on her. A man doing that would be in so much trouble.

YANBU - deny seeing anything. If the company ply everyone with that much booze there’s bound to be uncouth behaviour and they probably have enough witnesses already.

OP posts:
loopylou459 · 09/12/2025 15:21

If you deny having seen anything then you are lying to your employer in the context of a sexual harassment investigation. If you do that, and it comes to light you have lied to protect the perpetrator (which it might eg if they have CCTV footage/ other witnesses), risk them taking disciplinary action against you. Dishonesty offences can and do lead to dismissal for gross misconduct,

I understand that it's a difficult position to be in but you have to tell the truth about what you saw - you don't really have a choice here.

NotFBI · 09/12/2025 15:22

pastaandpesto · 09/12/2025 15:13

Well, yes, obviously. That's why I said could, not would.

Show quote history

The "absolutely" in there made it bit more sure...
The company could well sverve any responsibility depending on what was talked about at the time etc.
"Brian! I wrote your report for xx project! On my braaaa" might lend them in trouble, random flash might not.

ilovesooty · 09/12/2025 15:22

Wishitsnows · 09/12/2025 14:58

I wouldn’t do anything or give a statement. However I would if the sexes were reversed.

Wow. What a dreadful attitude.

ShesTheAlbatross · 09/12/2025 15:23

I’m not a bloody snitch plus - why can’t the guy she flashed at say what happened

You've said he made the complaint, so he has said what happened. They can’t just believe him, so are investigating.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2025 15:24

I would share what I saw, but not comment on anything I heard second hand. If an man was sexually assaulted, she should be sacked.

summitfever · 09/12/2025 15:27

Something similar happened to me but it was a best friends boyfriend that groped me. My biggest fear speaking up was that nobody would believe me so it would be a massively shit thing of you not to speak up to what you saw. Thankfully everyone did and it was a massive relief. However this guy went on to be accused of rape and got off with it due to lack of evidence. Say what you see op, male or female it’s the. Victim you should feel for not the perpetrator

Silverbirchleaf · 09/12/2025 15:27

Snitching would be telling your managers something happened, which was said or witnessed in secrecy or in a confidential situation. This was in public, a complaint has been made and the company are duty bound to follow it up. You are just giving factual evidence, no more, or less. You are not grasping anyone up, but simply providing evidence/information.

Original poster
Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 15:29

BringBackCatsEyes · 09/12/2025 15:14

Drinking very much encouraged.
Eugh.....in a professional environment? I cannot ever imagine being a manager and encouraging my staff to drink.

The company got her poleaxed.
Do you really believe that?

Being asked to say what you witnessed isn't being a snitch, that's a very immature way to view the situation.

Let’s just say the industry I am in has a drinking g culture, and our sales meetings are very boozy with drinking and drinking games encouraged particularly at the big dinners. Think pre-drinks, unlimited wine, shots on tables, disco til the early hours with the booze flowing. Over the years I have seen and heard a LOT of behaviour that I doubt would be tolerated elsewhere.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 09/12/2025 15:30

Just Because the person she assaulted was male. It doesn’t make it ok.

Bambamhoohoo · 09/12/2025 15:31

They’ll have plenty of witnesses, i think it’s fair enough for you to refuse. It’s highly unlikely ti change the outcome based on what you’ve said

LatteLady · 09/12/2025 15:31

Actually, I suspect your company may well find themselves on a very sticky wicket on this, remember the PWC issue - https://www.theguardian.com/business/2022/aug/22/pwc-sued-by-employee-who-lost-half-his-skull-after-pub-golf-outing

It is absolutely down to you to describe what you saw but no one can force you as your company do not have any legal jurisdiction in the matter to compel you to report.

PwC sued by employee who lost half his skull after ‘pub golf’ outing

Auditing firm worker says he faced ‘heavy pressure’ to attend after-work drinking event in 2019

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2022/aug/22/pwc-sued-by-employee-who-lost-half-his-skull-after-pub-golf-outing

PaterPower · 09/12/2025 15:31

The guy that’s complained (because she flashed her boobs at him) is a bit bloody wet, IMO or has had a complete sense of humour failure. It was a flash of her boobs, not a full frontal, and it’s not likely that he felt threatened in the way a woman would with a male flasher.

The one who had his testicles groped, on the other hand, would be fair enough in lodging a complaint.

Bobiverse · 09/12/2025 15:33

PaterPower · 09/12/2025 15:31

The guy that’s complained (because she flashed her boobs at him) is a bit bloody wet, IMO or has had a complete sense of humour failure. It was a flash of her boobs, not a full frontal, and it’s not likely that he felt threatened in the way a woman would with a male flasher.

The one who had his testicles groped, on the other hand, would be fair enough in lodging a complaint.

Either we say it is unacceptable to flash someone, or it isn’t. You don’t get to have double standards.

If a man flashed me at a workplace event, I’d be furious and making complaints. If a woman flashes a man, it is the exact same.

The double standards on mumsnet are rife though.

Cranarc · 09/12/2025 15:33

Since you intervened in the flashing incident I don't see how you can avoid saying what you saw. The other colleague who intervened with you has probably been asked to comment also. You simply need to state the facts without any comment on things you did not personally see.

LBFseBrom · 09/12/2025 15:33

She behaved very badly indeed. I was put in mind of Bruno Langley groping two girls in a night club when he was drunk, ending up in court, losing his career.

Your friend should be reprimanded, certainly, so she never does that again. However be gentle with your witnessing, say she appeared to grope someone (if you saw that), and flashed her boobs but no more. I daresay some others will relish it all. I wouldn't enjoy someone else's downfall, especially if it was out of character.

Honestly, booze is poison for some people, they should stay well away from it.
I learned my lesson many years ago, have a low tolerance level. I've also seen others behave appallingly and make utter fools of themselves.

I hope she lives this down and doesn't get sacked. However a man probably would.

Ineffable23 · 09/12/2025 15:34

I think if all she did that you saw was flash her bra (not her boobs) that is a different situation from many. Vulgar? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Sacking offence? No.

Tablesandchairs23 · 09/12/2025 15:34

The company didn't get her drunk. She got herself drunk and then sexually assaulted someone. You don't want yo say anything. You have a duty to say what you witnessed

Daygloboo · 09/12/2025 15:35

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 14:28

Christmas party, a few nights ago. At a hotel, as it was timed with a big sales meeting, so everyone staying over, 200 ish people, free bar as well as a formal dinner.
Drinking very much encouraged. Staff ages ranged from early 20s to the senior staff in their 50s. Everyone VERY merry.
One colleague, let’s call her Jenny, got a bit carried away, throwing shapes on the dance floor, too touchy feely with men and women apparently then groped one older male colleagues testicles at which point friends grabbed hold of her and steered her off up stairs to her room.
She escaped. Came back down - paralytic at this point - and flashed her boobs at a senior male colleague! In the side bar area so fewer people around me being one of them. Another colleague and I intervened and friends got her again and put her to bed, this time someone stayed with her.

Now I’m being asked to come and tell what I saw to her line manager. I’m in training for an event at the moment so it’s common knowledge that I wasn’t drinking and was sober.

I really don’t want to. She’s lovely, usually quiet and sensible, the company got her poleaxed and now want to carpet her. I’m not a bloody snitch plus - why can’t the guy she flashed at say what happened. Why do I need to be involved???

I’ve been working away since the party so have no idea what is being said in office other than the OMG, Jenny! What was she doing??? Messages. But trust me, there’s plenty of stories from that night… so she’s in good company.

YABU - snitch on her. A man doing that would be in so much trouble.

YANBU - deny seeing anything. If the company ply everyone with that much booze there’s bound to be uncouth behaviour and they probably have enough witnesses already.

Say you are not sure what you saw and for that reason you cant be a witness. Stick to your guns. I think its too trivial to get serious about. She got plastered. She behaved badly. So what.

ilovesooty · 09/12/2025 15:36

Daygloboo · 09/12/2025 15:35

Say you are not sure what you saw and for that reason you cant be a witness. Stick to your guns. I think its too trivial to get serious about. She got plastered. She behaved badly. So what.

Show quote history

That would be lying and they'll know it.

Hankunamatata · 09/12/2025 15:36

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 14:49

Lifted her top up and flashed her bra basically. That’s the only thing I witnessed. The dance floor colleague apparently has not said anything, it’s the one she flashed that’s complained.

Show quote history

So thats what you say.

She came into the bar lifted her top to expose her bra then left the room.

Chazbots · 09/12/2025 15:38

There's a police woman in my local force just been fired for droping a colleague.

She's probably already screwed but I wouldn't like to have to go speak about this either.

Starlight1984 · 09/12/2025 15:39

Daygloboo · 09/12/2025 15:35

Say you are not sure what you saw and for that reason you cant be a witness. Stick to your guns. I think its too trivial to get serious about. She got plastered. She behaved badly. So what.

Show quote history

And if a bloke got plastered and grabbed a woman between the legs, that would be trivial too?

PaterPower · 09/12/2025 15:40

Bobiverse · 09/12/2025 15:33

Either we say it is unacceptable to flash someone, or it isn’t. You don’t get to have double standards.

If a man flashed me at a workplace event, I’d be furious and making complaints. If a woman flashes a man, it is the exact same.

The double standards on mumsnet are rife though.

Show quote history

Showing your penis to someone is not on the same level as a quick flash of breasts. Nobody’s walking away traumatised from the latter and it doesn’t have any of the same overtones of sexual threat.

Daygloboo · 09/12/2025 15:40

ilovesooty · 09/12/2025 15:36

That would be lying and they'll know it.

Show quote history

Who cares. They cant make her if she sticks to her guns. I think its a stupid fuss. A woman goosing someone and flashing her boobs isnt the same as a man getting his cock out and sticking his hand between a womans legs. Maybe she should get a quiet talking to but thats it. They shouldnt provide drink if everyone ends up shagging and stripping off. Its the company trying to cover its ass.

forgotmyusername1 · 09/12/2025 15:41

imagine a young male got paralytically drunk, started feeling up a colleagues vag on the dance floor, got taken to bed, escaped and pulled his trousers down and flashed his willy at someone.

Would you be so reluctant to report as 'he is usually a nice quiet bloke'