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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give SIL her engagement ring back?

469 replies

NameChangerAlaina · 09/12/2025 14:28

DB proposed to SIL with an heirloom ring that has been in the family (in one form or another) for generations; they are now married.

A few years ago, DB and SIL separated due to her family and money; basically DB got to the point where he was refusing to “lend” them anymore and SIL was furious. The final straw was when SIL sold the engagement ring to a pawn shop, gave the money to her family and told DB that if he wanted the ring he’d have to go and buy it back; it was basically a workaround to force him into (indirectly) giving her family the money. SIL was 100% sure DB would get the ring back as obviously it’s a family ring however DB point blank refused “on principle” and instead walked out.

DB told me the whole story as he moved in with me and with his blessing, I went and bought the ring in order to keep it in the family. Now just to be crystal clear for the avoidance of any doubt as it’s MN where some people like to cancel the cheque; SIL SOLD the ring to the shop and I BOUGHT IT from them (for an extremely inflated price I might add as I had to explain the situation). I have the receipt and record of the card transaction so the ring is now legally mine.

Fast forward to now and despite reconciling 2 years ago (they were separated for a year) it seems it’s only just come up in conversation between the two of them that I now have the ring. Now that SIL knows, she’s been hounding me nonstop to give her the ring as it “means the world” to her, my grandad wanted DB’s wife to have it, she regrets what she did, it’s so sentimental to her yada yada yada. When I told her how much I paid for it she basically told me it was my own fault for “paying over the odds” and offered me £100 (which is really cheeky considering she sold it for 4k never mind what I paid).

Now as far as I’m concerned, if I hadn’t paid over the odds, the ring would have gone to someone else so she’d be without it anyway and my grandad most certainly would not have wanted her to have it if he’d have known she’d sell it (he wanted it to stay in the family). I also don’t really care about how much it means to her as quite frankly it can’t mean all that much if she sold it.

DB is very much of the opinion that it’s now my ring (was originally willed to him) and I should keep it since he knows it has sentimental value to me and others in the family; he also made an offhand comment that he wouldn’t put it past her to sell it again as they’re “not as solid” as he’d like due to her family.

Now considering DB supports my decision and it was originally his ring, would I be unreasonable to keep it? My plan is to leave it to DB’s DD from a previous relationship thereby keeping it in his family anyway.

OP posts:
moderate · 09/12/2025 18:19

NameChangerAlaina · 09/12/2025 14:28

DB proposed to SIL with an heirloom ring that has been in the family (in one form or another) for generations; they are now married.

A few years ago, DB and SIL separated due to her family and money; basically DB got to the point where he was refusing to “lend” them anymore and SIL was furious. The final straw was when SIL sold the engagement ring to a pawn shop, gave the money to her family and told DB that if he wanted the ring he’d have to go and buy it back; it was basically a workaround to force him into (indirectly) giving her family the money. SIL was 100% sure DB would get the ring back as obviously it’s a family ring however DB point blank refused “on principle” and instead walked out.

DB told me the whole story as he moved in with me and with his blessing, I went and bought the ring in order to keep it in the family. Now just to be crystal clear for the avoidance of any doubt as it’s MN where some people like to cancel the cheque; SIL SOLD the ring to the shop and I BOUGHT IT from them (for an extremely inflated price I might add as I had to explain the situation). I have the receipt and record of the card transaction so the ring is now legally mine.

Fast forward to now and despite reconciling 2 years ago (they were separated for a year) it seems it’s only just come up in conversation between the two of them that I now have the ring. Now that SIL knows, she’s been hounding me nonstop to give her the ring as it “means the world” to her, my grandad wanted DB’s wife to have it, she regrets what she did, it’s so sentimental to her yada yada yada. When I told her how much I paid for it she basically told me it was my own fault for “paying over the odds” and offered me £100 (which is really cheeky considering she sold it for 4k never mind what I paid).

Now as far as I’m concerned, if I hadn’t paid over the odds, the ring would have gone to someone else so she’d be without it anyway and my grandad most certainly would not have wanted her to have it if he’d have known she’d sell it (he wanted it to stay in the family). I also don’t really care about how much it means to her as quite frankly it can’t mean all that much if she sold it.

DB is very much of the opinion that it’s now my ring (was originally willed to him) and I should keep it since he knows it has sentimental value to me and others in the family; he also made an offhand comment that he wouldn’t put it past her to sell it again as they’re “not as solid” as he’d like due to her family.

Now considering DB supports my decision and it was originally his ring, would I be unreasonable to keep it? My plan is to leave it to DB’s DD from a previous relationship thereby keeping it in his family anyway.

She sold the ring. End of story.

iSage · 09/12/2025 18:22

I wouldn't give it to her in a million years! She sold it, you bought it.

Original poster
NameChangerAlaina · 09/12/2025 19:27

Thank you all, I really appreciate the confirmation and laughed at the suggestion of wearing it in front of her.

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable however a friend gave me pause for thought as this friend is also enmeshed with her family in the same way SIL is and she was very empathetic towards SIL; saying how impossible it is to stand up to your family when you’ve been conditioned your whole life to be a doormat etc. She seemed to think the ring actually could have meant a great deal to SIL and that because she was so convinced my DB would buy it back, in her head it was a good way to get the money for her family with minimal risk however she underestimated how close to breaking point DB actually was.

DB went back to SIL as she started therapy while they were separated so he really believed her when she said she wanted to work on things; things have improved but he’s not sure she’ll ever be able to break the hold her family have on her hence his comments. DB always knew SIL was enmeshed with her family but it wasn’t a problem until Covid hit and ruined her family financially. DB is usually a very easy going type of guy so went along with most things but the demands for money is where he’s had to draw the line as obviously he has DNiece to provide for (her mum has passed away). According to DB, SIL loses all perspective when it comes to her family and gets almost tunnel vision when it comes to them. He’s also had therapy and what’s come to light is that SIL has always been like this and given into their demands but because they were busy living a full life up until Covid, the demands were few and far between which is why he didn’t appreciate the extent of the problem.

I have a life limiting illness and therefore no children of my own so I think leaving it to my DNiece is the right thing to do. There’s a good chance I’ll hit 40 next year but probably won’t have many more laps around the track after that so DNiece will get the ring sooner rather than later; she’s 20 now and SIL isn’t her mother so it’s highly unlikely SIL will be able to manipulate her to get the ring.

I am hosting Christmas to the poster who asked and SIL will be here however I have a safe that no one knows about (it’s in my will) so the ring will be secure.

To those suggesting that my DB’s opinion doesn’t matter, it does to me as there’s a reason he got this ring so it’s important to me that he’s happy with what happens to it.

OP posts:
AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 09/12/2025 19:27

1% think that the OP is being unreasonable. Guess SIL has found the thread!

Theyreeatingthedogs · 09/12/2025 19:37

She's a real CF. Tell her to do one.

blubberyboo · 09/12/2025 19:42

Dont entertain any more conversation with her. You paid thousands and she expects you to sell it to her for £100 so she can turn around and sell it for thousands again.

The woman sees pound signs all over you lot.

Tell her to piss the feck off.

Ohpleeeease · 09/12/2025 19:45

Baninarama · 09/12/2025 15:01

You can do this only if you copy it for an old bit of cubic zirconia and some sort of metal that gradually turns her finger green.

Show quote history

Yes, goes without saying it must be an INFERIOR copy!

CombatBarbie · 09/12/2025 19:48

It doesnt matter what her background is, she sold off your family heirloom and made no attempt to buy it back once she realised DB wasnt playing ball. Its no longer hers and is a good example of actions have consequences.

Can we see said ring!??

JDM625 · 09/12/2025 19:48

I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis OP. At Christmas, this would be my suggestion:

'Hi SIL, you were enquiring about MY ring. Do you mean this one???'

To not give SIL her engagement ring back?
Ohpleeeease · 09/12/2025 19:49

OP just read your update.
It’s unthinkable she would fight you on this when you may only have it for a limited number of years.

Wear it defiantly. And yes, I did mean defiantly and not definitely, although definitely wear it!

Cherrysoup · 09/12/2025 19:56

She sold it, you bought it. Legally and morally, it’s yours.

I’d so wear it on Christmas Day.

User74939590 · 09/12/2025 19:58

Does it fit on your middle finger? 🖕

‘cos that would be my response to SIL

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/12/2025 20:05

It’s your ring, keep it, preferably locked in a safe!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/12/2025 20:12

It stopped being her engagement ring the second she took it off her finger in the pawn shop, so YABU for describing it as that.

But I would want to have a proper chat with DN about making sure that she always keeps it safe from her step mother. Does she know what SIL has been doing over the ring?

Puppymom · 09/12/2025 20:30

i would tell her exactly where to go. It’s your family heirloom so wear with pride x

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/12/2025 20:47

Anyone else want to see the ring?! Cos it sounds fab at the figures the OP mentioned!

user86397409754 · 09/12/2025 21:08

My, (sightly Woo) feelings on stuff like this is that important objects have a way of getting themselves where they belong, so it was obviously supposed to end up with you, and then your niece in due course…Sil sold it, not just gave it away so no wonder the inanimate bit of precious metal and stone got the pip with her🤣

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/12/2025 22:27

user86397409754 · 09/12/2025 21:08

My, (sightly Woo) feelings on stuff like this is that important objects have a way of getting themselves where they belong, so it was obviously supposed to end up with you, and then your niece in due course…Sil sold it, not just gave it away so no wonder the inanimate bit of precious metal and stone got the pip with her🤣

I am not at all woo, I am about science.

And energy is never destroyed or lost, it simply changes state. I am a firm believer that ghosts/poltergeists etc are simply brain energy that didnt disperse in the way that the energy in the rest of the body did. Not such a leap when you think of the electrical energy that goes on in the brain, especially if the brain died at a time of heightened activity due to fear or trauma. No reason to think that some of that energy couldnt enter an inanimate object over a long life with the person wearing it.

SleafordSods · 09/12/2025 22:49

I’ve just read your update, please don’t let your DFriend make you change your mind. I’m surprised that you’re hosting her at Christmas but appreciate these things can be complex. Do out yhe ring in the safe, along with anything else if value in your home.

And I’m sorry too about your Illness Flowers

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/12/2025 07:03

I’m imagining your SIL as Gollum - consumed and obsessed by ‘my precious’

Northsidemammy · 10/12/2025 07:12

You come across as a lovely, kind and thoughtful person. Willing the ring to your niece is a lovely idea and I think what your grandad would have wanted under the circumstances. Sorry to hear about your illness, wishing you health and happiness for the future.

XWKD · 10/12/2025 07:31

I'd tell her I gave it to a charity shop.

RainbowBagels · 10/12/2025 07:51

XWKD · 10/12/2025 07:31

I'd tell her I gave it to a charity shop.

And say you cant remember which one!

LakieLady · 10/12/2025 07:57

SIL's fucking bonkers. She sold it, you bought it, if she can't see that that makes it now your ring she must be intellectually challenged.

Buy her some jewellery for Christmas. An ID bracelet with "Cheeky Fucker" engraved on it would be perfect.

Didimum · 10/12/2025 08:08

You and your ring should stay out of their relationship entirely. Let him deal with it. Direct all ‘hounding’ from her to him.

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