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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:

Blueyrocks · 09/12/2025 17:02

I'm not one of the people who thinks GP should never help - I think helping out with young family , and elderly family , and unwell family, is all part of being part of a family. But even I am taken aback by your daughter's assumption that at 80, with an unwell husband, you would be able, never mind willing, to do full time childcare for a 14mo baby.

I do understand her problem, with no support from the other side of her family and the cost of childcare. But it's too much to have assumed you can just be there for her to fall back on.

It's amazingly kind of you to offer financial support as an alternative. You shouldn't have to, of course - you've more than done your part as a supportive mother to her and grandmother to her kids - but if this is easily doable for you and money is a major issue for her, then it's a really good way to offer a solution to a situation you shouldn't have been put in, without making your daughter's life turn upside down!

You do sound absolutely lovely!

Mulledjuice · 09/12/2025 17:02

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

Oh my word this would be tiring for anyone!!

YANBU. Did she even ask you about caring for this 3rd child?

Mulledjuice · 09/12/2025 17:04

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

Show quote history

No way - SHE threw a spanner in the works by getting pregnant again and assuming that her 80 year old mother would do 40 hours of childcare every week.

Maverick66 · 09/12/2025 17:05

I am turning 60
I look after my grandchildren and it is HARD work.
You deserve a little rest my God you have more than done your bit.
I think your daughter is extremely selfish to expect this of you .

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2025 17:06

five5five · 09/12/2025 13:52

Sorry I haven’t answered much, it’s been hard to keep up with so many replies.
I have read all the comments and thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to post.
I have asked her if we can have a chat this evening if she’s got time and she has so I will explain it’s not going to work long term and she’s going to have to make alternative plans.

I will happily have the older girls in the holidays and for the two hours after school but that’s all I can offer and my husband agrees that’s doable but not the baby.
I really hope she understands.
I don’t know why they don’t have any contact with his family but it’s been that way a while so I suppose I didn’t want to upset them and our relationship go the same way but I’m sure it won’t come to that as we’ve always been a close family.
Thanks again for your support.

Good luck with your conversation with your daughter. I hope she is kind and understanding. She has been very lucky to have you providing her family with full-time child care for so many years and I hope she appreciates what you have done and accepts that your circumstances have changed.

outerspacepotato · 09/12/2025 17:07

Given the ages here, giving money to the daughter could have tax and care ramifications that OP needs to be aware of with her husband's dementia increasing.

Punkerplus · 09/12/2025 17:09

I find it outrageous that people have kids and expect their parents to give up their time look after them 5 days a week as it is (and I'm someone who works full time and has grandparent support one day a week). I can't believe your daughter is expecting you at nearly 80 to look after her baby full time when your husband has dementia. It really is unbelievable and selfish of your daughter.

I hope your conversation goes well but I would be absolutely saying you cannot look after the little one. People with dementia can change and deteriorate very suddenly.

Bigcat25 · 09/12/2025 17:10

Op I'm very sorry that you're worried about potentially losing the relationship if you don't continue the childcare. That's very unfair to you. I hope they are NC with her husband due to very different circumstances, but it doesn't speak well to your daughter that you don't feel more secure in your relationship.

Wishing you the best. I would also suggest a relaxing vacation if it's possible for you and your husband, or a short break. Please pace yourself and access all supports for your husband early to preserve your energy and "you time" as dementia can be a long road.

You are an amazing lady.

Brokentramulator · 09/12/2025 17:13

I'm quite shocked that your dd thought it was ok to have a third child assume you would just do the childcare without a discussion. So she can't afford childcare - it's that way for a lot of people but they own their decision and don't expect 80 year olds to carry them. I'm so sorry this has been asked of you OP - I think some kids just think us parents are just around to serve them.

Coconutter24 · 09/12/2025 17:15

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

If your DD can’t see that is a lot for an 80 year old she is incredibly selfish. I would have a conversation with her and let her know after Christmas (to give her time to plan) you won’t be able to have the baby as it’s too much for you. If you’re happy to keep having the older children let her know that offer is still on the table. Yanbu to go back on this

Allthings · 09/12/2025 17:17

OP will need to look into affordability, as well as any tax implications and potential deprivation of assets given their age and potential care needs before committing to childcare costs. She may also want to consider fairness between her offspring.

bobbycock79 · 09/12/2025 17:18

Gosh I'm 47 and the thought of caring for a 14 month old all day , all week, fills me with horror. It's exhausting and you have been amazing. I really hope your daughter is reasonable about this and if she even attempts to persuade you or guilt you, then she is a disgrace and should be ashamed.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 09/12/2025 17:21

So they’ll have to be crippled. Different life choices would have led to a different outcome. Was the third child planned?! I absolutely would not be making a financial contribution either.
Just give a months notice and stop. My mum said no. It’s not difficult. Your husband (and you) come first.

Hollietree · 09/12/2025 17:23

Vivavivavivaviva · 09/12/2025 13:58

@five5five The more I think about it, the stronger I feel that you need to have an extremely frank conversation with your daughter. My mum is the same age as you (and I have three kids), and I am spending a whole day every week with my mum, helping her, and I also do things remotely (like ordering shopping).

I think not only do you need to reiterate that you will no longer do childcare, but you actually need her (and her other siblings) to step up and help you. I feel there is a moral obligation on your children (who have lived close enough for you to do a mammoth amount of childcare for) to step up and return the favour for you, helping out regularly.

My thoughts exactly. @five5five you have been more than generous with your free childcare for the last decade. She must have saved tens of thousands of pounds at your expense.

Now you are 80 and you are caring for your husband. Now is the time for the tables to turn and for her to be supporting you!

Catsbooks345 · 09/12/2025 17:27

I think just give her some notice to find a nursery. You could suggest half days or only a couple of days a week if you want to but also completely fine to say you can't do it. It does seem an awful lot to put on someone in your circumstances. I hope you get on okay. You sound like an amazing woman .

CandyCaneKisses · 09/12/2025 17:31

You’ve done more than your share. Shes massively unreasonable to expect you to continue with another baby at almost 80.

bevm72yellow · 09/12/2025 17:49

Your husband is ill with dementia needs and requires full time care, support and supervision. You are his full time carer 24/7. You are now older and frailer. You can take the girls a couple of days per week but that is your limit. This is what you say to her. If you get backlash, anger, disappointment, crying upset that is hers to deal with or resolve not yours to resolve. You are a great woman for keeping the whole show going for so long. Now, this is about your husband's welfare and your welfare. You have more than done your bit. Polite and firm attitude should lead the way.

dimsiaradcymraeg · 09/12/2025 17:55

I can’t for a second your daughter thought this was remotely ok for you, now or 10 years ago.

We’ve all had to struggle and make do to find the child care days. I sense you feel more of an obligation than they do as parents.

You’ve been very generous with your time and I hope you have vern well thanked over the years.

FollowSpot · 09/12/2025 17:56

Good luck this eve OP.

Just keep in the forefront of your mind;
You are needing to stop because you can’t cope any more.
Not because you don’t love your daughter.
You love your daughter, you love your grandchildren.
But things have changed: you are almost 80, your husband has significant needs.
It may not even be safe for you to care for a toddler in those circumstances any more.

You have nothing to be sorry for
You have nothing to feel guilty about

Over 10 years you have likely saved your Dd £50k in childcare!

She will be upset. She will be worried. But she is a grown up and needs to be responsible.

Head up, shoulders back, look her in the eye, don’t apologise just explain.

Punkerplus · 09/12/2025 18:01

Yes childcare might cripple them but that's the reality of having young children. I don't think anyone should be making the decision to have children with the expectation that grandparents will help relieve childcare costs. Don't get me a wrong I'm not saying families shouldn't help out, I'm very fortunate myself to have grandparent support however anything can happen at any time. Grandparents can drop dead or become very ill suddenly at any time and then parents then would be forced to use childcare whether they wanted to or not.

Hopefully if you're a close family your daughter will understand and surely if she knows your dad has dementia and you are caring that this isn't an ideal or even a safe environment for a 14 month old? My mum did one day a week childcare for me and when my dad became very unwell last year, she understandably took a step back from childcare. My main worry was ensuring both my dad was OK and that my mum was too. I couldn't even have begun to fathom adding her to stresses by demanding that she took on childcare duties for me even if it did cost me more financially. The entitlement of your daughter is off the scale p

Monty34 · 09/12/2025 18:02

You have been a completely amazing individual. Astonishingly utterly selfless.
I hope your conversation went as it should.
And of course you find it too much ! You aren't even middle aged.
Arguably, she should be starting to look out for you a bit.

PinkDaffodil2 · 09/12/2025 18:07

That’s a huge amount of childcare! Does she realise the youngest is now entitled to 30 free hours nursery (it changed this September) and tax free childcare.

TheaBrandt1 · 09/12/2025 18:09

Apart from anything else its not safe.

Remember when I was in the playgroup circuit years ago seeing a tiny frail very elderly granny with two rumbuctious twin toddler boys. Their parents should have been ashamed.

BlueLegume · 09/12/2025 18:10

@five5five this is such an interesting thread. I spend more time on the Elderly Parents thread. My parents are a little older than you however they made it very clear 30 plus years ago that childcare was not something they wished to do. At all. I had never asked them to as I did not wish for my children to be looked after by them - different approaches to life etc. I paid for childcare and yes it was expensive- it does seem more expensive now.

One of my siblings did get childcare from them, one day a week maybe. That happened because sibling had married a person who already had 3 kids from a previous relationship and her parents had always done the childcare so she could pursue her career. When said sibling and partner had a child together her parents agreed to continue with the free child care. My parents felt obliged to chip in. They moaned and whinged every week about the hassle they felt it was. They snooped around my siblings house and recounted how dirty it was …..mean and unnecessary, not to mention inappropriate.

Anyway, my parents now need support and help from us in their old old age. Mainly because they won’t use outside help. I give what I can but it broke me over the past few years. They offered me nothing when I had small children, they criticised my every move in life. I have broken myself helping them in their old age - they made poor life choices. Your life matters. Very much matters.

Tell your daughter she needs to get proper childcare. You sound lovely and I hope she appreciates the time and money and stress you have saved her.

Holycowhowmuch · 09/12/2025 18:16

Where is the father, extended family on his side, others on her side. Its irresponsible to keep putting on an 80year old person, who is already coping with dementia ..which gradually becomes more demanding.

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