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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
truffleruffle · 09/12/2025 22:58

I’m 67 retired at 61 and committed to look after grandchildren 1, 2, 3and 4. The best job in the world. Feel so lucky to have had the time with them pre school. Hopefully they will have many happy memories. I do think you should say if it’s too much. However I do understand there is so much enjoyment having them around.

TTCbabynumber22025 · 09/12/2025 23:00

Your daughter is cheeky to even ask! Are you in England? If so would the baby not qualify for the 30 free childcare hours?

babyproblems · 09/12/2025 23:01

It’s fine to say no!!! Honestly I don’t think it would safe for you to be looking after a baby and someone with dementia - not because they are dangerous but I’d worry you would injure yourself eg back injury sort of thing. Don’t take the risk- it’s not unreasonable to say you can’t manage it now. Xx

Cantstopthenoise · 09/12/2025 23:02

I'm the same age as your daughter and my parents are in their late 60's, they help with my 2 daughters, one of whom is 21 and severely disabled a couple of times a week and that is enough for them. I would not expect them to look after a toddler full time at the age they are now, let alone in just over 10 years if they are still around. I imagine they would not manage my older daughter at that point either, and it would be a worry if one of them had a fall, went into hospital or their health declined rapidly. My Grandad had dementia and lived to 84, he got aggressive before he went into a care home so it wouldn't be safe for any of the children if your current care arrangements were to continue and your husband got to that point, or your health took a turn for the worse.

Caiti19 · 09/12/2025 23:07

I think your daughter sounds spectacularly selfish to put you in this position in the first place. And I'd think the same if you were a 45 year old Gran.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 09/12/2025 23:33

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

Show quote history

She really should have worked out that it wasn't a given that parents in their late 70s could carry on providing childcare for a new baby, especially after giving 10 years of help with the other children. Your daughter should have thought about this before going ahead with another pregnancy after a long gap, and should not have taken anything for granted.

MumWifeOther · 09/12/2025 23:54

Just be honest. You’ve already supported her so much, I hope she can do the same for you ❤️

deadbobaplace · 10/12/2025 00:34

When was your husband diagnosed? She should have offered to reduce the amount of childcare she expected you to do as soon as that happened, tbh. Expecting an 80-year-old to care for a toddler the entire working week would be unhinged even if you didn't have other responsibilities.

No wonder she's NC with the in-laws, she sounds incredibly selfish.

Wreckinball · 10/12/2025 00:38

OP I hope your chat went well. You need to care for DH and DD needs to care for her baby - you can’t do both and she does neither

Daygloboo · 10/12/2025 01:17

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

Oh I felt so bad for you when i read this. My darling, you must tell them all you just cant do it any more. They should not be putting you through this. They just arent thinking properly..

Ladybyrd · 10/12/2025 02:08

You’re not going back on your offer. That offer was made 10 years ago, it can’t stay on the table forever. What if she decided to have another? You have enough on your plate. We have two children, my partner works 7 days a week currently and I never ask my parents to take the kids for me - we just visit them so they can spend time with their grandchildren. It sounds like you’ve really been taken for granted. I think you need to have a long chat with her but expecting an 80 year old (no offence) who is caring for a partner who has significant health issues to care for a baby is very unfair. Yes, childcare is expensive but from one year its funded. When you made the offer it was ten years ago and your husband wasn’t ill. You obviously want to help, but it’s equally obvious that you can’t.

DPotter · 10/12/2025 02:59

Full time is over and above for 10 years. Have you actually had anytime to yourself in your retirement ? I do hope your DD has offered some financial reimbursement for meals etc at very minimum.

Hope the talk went OK - pls be firm and explicit. I can't continue with this, giving you 2 months notice to sort something else. No negotiation!

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 10/12/2025 06:41

truffleruffle · 09/12/2025 22:58

I’m 67 retired at 61 and committed to look after grandchildren 1, 2, 3and 4. The best job in the world. Feel so lucky to have had the time with them pre school. Hopefully they will have many happy memories. I do think you should say if it’s too much. However I do understand there is so much enjoyment having them around.

67 is 13 years away from being an 80 year old.

Mumofthree8 · 10/12/2025 07:08

I’d be honest, try to give her some notice if you can but don’t feel guilty. What you have done for her is fantastic and will have really helped them out over the last 10 years! Suggest to your daughter she applies for 30hour term time funding (equivalent of 20 hour funding year round) and uses tax free childcare that should make a big difference to her childcare bills! The toddler has had the benefit of 1-2-1 care for 14 months which is lovely but he or she will be fine in childcare moving forward.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 10/12/2025 07:32

truffleruffle · 09/12/2025 22:58

I’m 67 retired at 61 and committed to look after grandchildren 1, 2, 3and 4. The best job in the world. Feel so lucky to have had the time with them pre school. Hopefully they will have many happy memories. I do think you should say if it’s too much. However I do understand there is so much enjoyment having them around.

Add on 10 years and a new baby into the mix and it might be a different story. The OP was happy with the same arrangement you have, but life has moved on.

Motnight · 10/12/2025 07:35

@five5five how did the chat go yesterday?

Barnbrack · 10/12/2025 07:44

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

That sounds unreasonable! I can't believe she expects that. I'd continue to have th older kids if you're happy to buy say baby needs a childcare setting.

silkysoft · 10/12/2025 08:29

truffleruffle · 09/12/2025 22:58

I’m 67 retired at 61 and committed to look after grandchildren 1, 2, 3and 4. The best job in the world. Feel so lucky to have had the time with them pre school. Hopefully they will have many happy memories. I do think you should say if it’s too much. However I do understand there is so much enjoyment having them around.

But this is not remotely the same is it? OP is over a decade older than you and and cares for a husband with dementia. There is a world of difference between health and energy in your 60s and in your 80s surely that is obvious

Valeriekat · 10/12/2025 08:43

She needs to start taking care of you!
There needs to be a reset.

Tweakie123 · 10/12/2025 08:47

Wow! My mum helped out with my first then when I had my second (3 years later) I said that it would be too much for her and sorted my own childcare in the day. She still helped out with babysitting occasionally and some weekends but I felt it wasn’t fair to ask her to commit to more. And she was only 60ish at the time. I can’t believe your daughter is still expecting this from you, you shouldn’t have to tell her, she should realise!

ComfortFoodCafe · 10/12/2025 08:49

@five5five how did your chat go yesterday? X

Hufflebuffs · 10/12/2025 08:49

It’s not you that’s being unreasonable. It’s your daughter. Good luck with your chat.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 10/12/2025 09:22

Thewhywhybird · 09/12/2025 21:46

You shouldn't need to offer any money for childcare OP , you can get 30 hours per week childcare subsidised for a baby now, and / or tax free childcare, they can think creatively about her DH shifts to minimise childcare fees etc, plus if they have never had to pay for any childcare and both been working full time they should have been able to save up a lot of money if they were sensible. Let them solve this one themselves.

This. It's so sad to hear the guilt in OP's words. If they can afford to churn out multiple children and enjoy 10+ years of free childcare and work full time, they can afford nursery for one child.
OP isn't saying she will do nothing, just that she can't do full time childcare for a baby, which is reasonable. My mum is much younger but I wouldn't have expected this (not wanted it - we wanted him in nursery). She wanted to do one day and so did MIL. Nursery the other 3 days and the grannies both helped with illness cover. This was always flexible so if one was away (not often as we usually went away together) this was never an issue. OP's DD sounds selfish. No doubt she will be 'busy with her life' when her mother gets older and needs help.

Ddakji · 10/12/2025 09:46

I think I’ve rarely seen such a unanimous thread! I hope @five5five has managed to wager things sorted with her DD.

Punkerplus · 10/12/2025 09:47

The thing is things can never be the same with subsequent grandchildren as it can the first who doesn't need to share the grandparents with everyone and also benefited from younger grandchildren.

My mum (now my dad is better), offered me two days childcare for my second (doing one day with my eldest and then one in my younger) as in her head she thought she had to do the same for my youngest as she had for my eldest. And don't get me wrong it would have helped us so much financially but morally it felt wrong and I said no. Firstly my mum is 70 and I wasn't having her give up two days of a week exhausting herself out of principle as after all it was our decision to have a second. She said now she doesn't think would manage two days but it did occur to me that there are people that would have allowed their parents to do this(case in point with the OPs daughter).

Don't get me wrong I'm all for families helping out and providing support but we all know how difficult and exhausting parenting is and I do think it's so unreasonable to expect grandparents who have done parenting to then do five days a week of further looking after young children.

There was a recent thread (or maybe last year, time escapes me) about should grandparents help out with childcare and some of the entitlement on the thread was off the scale. People saying how grandparents were selfish for wanting to go on holiday and viewing their retirement as their time, that being a parent was doing the bare minimum and
how they must help out with childcare to get support when they are older and one poster saying that as the grandparents gave birth to the children it was therefore their responsibility to provide childcare which was just ludicrous. At what point do adult children start taking responsibility for their own decisions?

There was also a post on the thread that stuck with me of a poster who had said her parents had wanted to cut down on their childcare days as they were finding it too much. The poster then went on to say they couldn't survive this financially and her parents would need to basically suck it up no matter how hard they found it. I'm glad to see more reasonable responses on this thread.