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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 09/12/2025 20:32

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

Show quote history

If they are both working they get 30h funded childcare... So their finances is not the problem.

ACupFullofStars · 09/12/2025 20:43

@five5five How did your chat with your DD go this evening?

Katflapkit · 09/12/2025 20:44

Please update OP. We all have our fingers crossed for you

Andromed1 · 09/12/2025 20:45

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:10

I offered the child care so she could go back to work as I love having them and wanted them to save their money and then along came another and I’d just got used to a couple of hours after school by then so it’s just a big change.
What makes it worse for them is that they are no longer in contact with his family at all so I am all they’ve got.
He works shifts so it’s all very hectic.

This is a complication for DD and her partner, but there's a limit to what you can do to make up for it. Having the two older girls after school is a huge help and needs to be accepted as enough.
TBH, in the parents' position I'd worry that it might become unsafe for you to look after a baby all day, given that you need to focus on your DH's growing needs as well, and given that at 80 you can't possibly have the energy and concentration of a young person. You are in danger of becoming over tired and making mistakes. Perhaps you should point this out to DD.

Thisistemporary · 09/12/2025 20:49

I’m in my early 40’s with a toddler, and my mother is in her late 70’s caring for my father who has early stage dementia. I wouldn’t dream of asking her to look after my toddler for more than an hour or two very occasionally. It’s not fair on her and I would be worried about my child’s safety as well.

CharlieChaplin99 · 09/12/2025 20:51

Don’t feel guilty. You have done more than enough already and your daughter should really have picked up on this before now. At 80 you need to be looking after you and looking after your husband. Dementia is awful and they are alright for awhile then things can go down hill suddenly very rapidly as I know from my father.

It would be far worse to keep carrying on, saying nothing and to let her down last minute with no notice or even worse if you or your husband have a fall or an accident with the baby and either of the children. Does the school not do wrap around care and do they not have a holiday club or could your daughter not cut her hours and cut her days between her and her partner to reduce childcare costs. Say maybe both working four days or something.

Bamfram · 09/12/2025 21:00

Full-time is really absolutely unbelievable.
Such a complete disregard for your parents at 80, is quite shocking.
My friends at 60 are refusing to be childcare having retired.
Hard to believe this at 80.

Atina321 · 09/12/2025 21:01

A small part of the reason we only had one child was because the grandparents who lived close enough to do childcare would have struggled to look after 2.

Pyjamatimenow · 09/12/2025 21:10

She was very thoughtless and selfish to have a third and expect you to look after it.

highlandponymummy · 09/12/2025 21:13

Iloveshihtzus · 09/12/2025 09:59

I honestly cannot believe any woman with an ounce of empathy would ask her 80 year old mother to mind her baby and 2 other children full time. This is apart from the aspect of your caring duties for your husband! I mean, I’m always amazed at how people on here take their parents for granted with childcare, having never had childcare from my parents or PIL (apart from the odd time when they visited us , but never fir more than a couple of hours).

This^

Loreli1983 · 09/12/2025 21:19

I read this post earlier and have been thinking about you since so I feel compelled to reply. You are a wonderful mother and grandmother. You have helped your daughter so much for a decade. I can't even fathom having that much support (for context my 6 year old and 2 year old have only ever been 'looked after' by family on 4 occasions- our childcare bill is huge). Your time has been an amazing gift to give. I truly hope your daughter appreciates everything you have done for her/ the opportunities you have afforded her by looking after your grandchildren. You have done your duty. Its now time to have a rest. Spend time with your husband. I'm sure your daughter will understand and hopefully be grateful for what you have already done rather than upset at what you can no longer do. Enjoy your 'retirement'!

TheLette · 09/12/2025 21:19

You are 80 with a husband that needs care and you are looking after 3 kids every day? Including a baby? There's no way in hell I'd be doing ANY of that. I'd be offering one afternoon a week, on a day that suits me, for the older ones only, and occasional evening babysitting. Your retirement is for you to enjoy. You can't be enjoying your life whilst dealing with a baby full time, it's exhausting and not particularly enjoyable on a full-time basis.

I have 2 kids and would not DREAM of asking the grandparents to do this. And when I do ask, I always make it clear that they can say no. Our kids are our responsibility after all.

Mumarch · 09/12/2025 21:23

Tell her to find a childminder for all 3. There are tax breaks etc for childcare. You have enough on your plate. I looked after one baby one day a week and that was enough and I am younger. Best of luck. I feel for you.

Thewhywhybird · 09/12/2025 21:46

You shouldn't need to offer any money for childcare OP , you can get 30 hours per week childcare subsidised for a baby now, and / or tax free childcare, they can think creatively about her DH shifts to minimise childcare fees etc, plus if they have never had to pay for any childcare and both been working full time they should have been able to save up a lot of money if they were sensible. Let them solve this one themselves.

orangemapleleaves · 09/12/2025 22:02

Good luck with your talk. If your husband has dementia then your priority has to be him and yourself. She's had a very good run with you and she now needs to accept that she needs to organise her own care and also start supporting you more, not the other way around.

Pistachiocake · 09/12/2025 22:04

Does she have a partner? Can he/she help, or their family? I appreciate they might also be unable to due to health, or possibly they still work or something, but maybe worth asking?

Daftypants · 09/12/2025 22:15

My mum wasn’t even 60 when I had my third child and I never expected them to regularly care for my children.
I did hope my parents ( both retired young ) would maybe help husband and I get a break by very occasionally looking after them. Like maybe twice a year for a long weekend but no ..they never had them .
You have been doing far too much for far too long as it is .
When do you get a break , a rest , do your own housework , do hobbies

Mischance · 09/12/2025 22:26

When I took on care of my GC while my DD worked we agreed at the beginning that it would happen on my terms and I was to say if it got too difficult for any reason or I needed to change anything.
You need to speak up. You have already used up your most active retirement years looking after your GC. You deserve some rest and space to enjoy some peace.

justasmalltownmum · 09/12/2025 22:28

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 09/12/2025 10:01

Your daughter shouldn’t have had a third child without a plan for childcare. Assuming you will continue providing endless childcare is beyond unreasonable.

This!!!

Pessismistic · 09/12/2025 22:34

Sorry op but your dd is taking advantage of you big time if she decides to have a fourth kid it’s about time she paid her way she might get help with nursery costs but your 80 fgs she should have thought about you before having another child is she normally this selfish? you could literally drop dead what would happen then? I hope you don’t but she really needs to get her life to fit in with her family not yours. Tell her it’s hard work and you can’t do it anymore but picks up are still doable. I cannot believe she expects you to do this if I’m being honest.

Itwasallyellow2 · 09/12/2025 22:38

There is no way, absolutely no way at all, I would expect my 80 year old parent to look after my children at all, let alone the amount of child care you are providing.

I’m sorry but the number of children she decided to have should reflect her own capacity to provide and care for them, practically and financially. Being so dependent on an 80 year old family member for child care is taking the piss.

ReadingTime · 09/12/2025 22:45

Your daughter is massively taking you for granted, she was being ridiculous to just assume you would have her third baby full time at your age.

Don't feel bad about telling her what childcare you do and don't want to do at this point. You need to safeguard your energy now to care for your husband.

Miss1983 · 09/12/2025 22:49

You have been an amazing grandmother well-done your daughter is very lucky to have your help and support and I hope u realise that you are appreciated. Not every one is fortunate to have parents who want/can/able to help and it is a real struggle. I had my daughter in January and she is with me 24/7, had to resign from my work because of childcare issues and not much support.
I hope your chat goes well and you get some time to tender to your husband and yourself you deserve it

CheeseyOnionPie · 09/12/2025 22:55

You’re absolutely fine to say you can’t have the baby anymore. A baby is a lot of work and they will soon be a toddler and into everything and even more work!

You have helped her out so much already I am sure she won’t begrudge it. In all honesty between caring for your DH, yourself and the older two you have more on your plate than some women half your age.

MermaidMummy06 · 09/12/2025 22:56

You do way more than most, OP! My DM does one day a week in the school holidays & that's only since my DC are older & don't need much work & DM is getting lonely. She did none when they were younger.

You're not alone in your feelings though. I met many GP's doing full time care hours for GC's at playgroup & activities when DC were snall. Not one of them enjoyed doing so much care, but felt they had no choice.

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