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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
Chinsupmeloves · 09/12/2025 18:16

Nope, time for them to get other childcare, you've more than done your bit! No one should expect their older GPs to look after their babies, if offered a bonus. Xxx

GreenOtter · 09/12/2025 18:16

It’s too much, OP. Such a testament to you though having offered what sounds like full-time childcare for 10 years. I would wind it all back even the two hours and such on offer - all of it needs to dial down to just visits where either parent is present to do the parenting. They have taken advantage. I agree with previous poster, they probably fell out with family due to this issue.

My parent’s had family friends that are similar and they were doing drop offs, pick ups, watching children during the day.

Guess what I asked and was offered - nothing. Never even 30 minutes to hold the baby while I did washing. Nope, we visit and host visits but the child is ours to supervise. May be why I had one in some ways too when you have to work full-time and care fully outside of work and daycare, it’s a bit of an eye-opener financially and emotionally.

Good luck with the conversation!

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 09/12/2025 18:18

Yanbu. It’s too much for you and completely unreasonable of her to expect it from you. I’m guessing she didn’t check whether you’d be ok with looking after a baby/toddler before going ahead with her third pregnancy? That’s all on her, she shouldn’t have assumed.

independentfriend · 09/12/2025 18:42

The only way you could do toddler care on an ongoing basis would be if the 10 year old was doing the majority of the physical care under your supervision. That will horrify people reading here but is an option for emergencies and maybe some after school days if you collect all three kids at once.

Toddlers are hard - much harder than non mobile babies and than older children. You can't keep going as things are.

Caterina99 · 09/12/2025 18:45

Agree with everyone OP this is mad and your DD is being so so cheeky expecting you to do this!

I’m 40 and I’m exhausted looking after my toddler nephew for a day. It’s totally different to my older primary age kids who are fairly self sufficient. My parents are in their 60s and babysit my kids and said toddler regularly, but there’s no way they’d agree to Mon-fri 9-5. It’s just far far too much!

Having the older kids after school and being a backup for the toddler is incredibly kind and extremely helpful for her - but she needs to put the 14m in full time nursery! The childcare is her and her DH responsibility and they shouldn’t have had another child if they couldn’t afford it

Thisismynewname23 · 09/12/2025 18:49

I think you have very more than fair and helpful to her but a baby/toddler is so much more work and it isn’t like it’s a small commitment every day is huge, you have done more than most people would or could.

PeloMom · 09/12/2025 18:50

Omg it’s awful of her to assume you’d just step in! I’m a couple of years older than her and wouldn’t watch a 14 month old 5 full days a week, let alone expect from someone almost double my age!
I also don’t think you should offer financial contribution toward childcare as you don’t know how your kindness will be taken advantage of.
your DD and her DH are adults and need to sort themselves out not pop babies they can’t afford to raise.

Bumblenums · 09/12/2025 18:58

My mum and MIL looked after mine when they were babies, late 50s early 60s. They are 8 and 11 now - so they are now 70. One of the reasons we didnt have a third is because it would have been unfair to ask them at this age. You have done an incredible job op, but its fine to say no.

Climbingrosexx · 09/12/2025 18:59

From what I have read from your posts you have taken on an awful lot. To have the baby full time is unfair on you and your husband. I would like to think your daughter just doesn't realise and will understand but I do think you need to speak to her. I would find this tough and I'm in my 50s, you have done so much for so long fingers crossed she understands this.

Cherrysoup · 09/12/2025 19:17

I’m sorry, but your dd is taking you for granted. At 80, I think it’s insane to ask for you to look after a baby all day. Not being rude, but can you run after her if necessary? You deserve to ’retire’ and enjoy your dgc without the sheer knackering slog of looking after them so much and no, don’t offer her money. You need to seriously consider if you or your husband might need to pay for care in the not so distant future (I’m looking at my nearly 90 year old mother who increasingly needs help).

SpringingOn · 09/12/2025 19:21

Honestly I would be very worried about the safety of a 14 month year old toddler in the care of a nearly 80 year old. What if she sprints into the road? I am early 50s and would struggle to catch a young child these days!

TrentCrimmsflowinglocks · 09/12/2025 19:21

Not at all unreasonable. I think any sensible daughter would realise at this point that it’s too much to ask.

Tiddlywinkly · 09/12/2025 19:22

I think even looking after the school aged children each day sounds like a huge commitment.

To put it into perspective, we are very grateful for the 5 days my parents in their late 70s look after our children (10 and 12) in the school holidays once per year. That's it (again - very appreciative. They offer. We never assume and plan accordingly).

Wow. Where is your retirement??!

Ok, so you say you are happy to have the older ones. Fair enough, that's up to you, but a baby? Your dd just assumed you would have her full time at 80?! That's so selfish and unfair.

Wishing you good luck with your talk. My worry is that you'll be guilted into continuing, especially when they discover the often significant wait times for baby/toddler childcare places and the cost despite the free hours. I feel for you.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/12/2025 19:30

You have really been taken advantage of op.

dottiedodah · 09/12/2025 19:35

Wow you are a superstar already! YANBU at all .14 months is hard work ,you must be exhausted .My DD and DH have a 6 month old, and although I offered to do day care twice a week. they have opted for Nursery.I am younger than you are and havent been well.I would say to your daughter ,you are no longer able to care for baby say from Easter onwards. This gives her time to make new arrangements .If you can afford to ,you could offer to pay a day or so Nursery fees .If not no problem, you have gone over and above what is expected of you!

Westcountrymumof2 · 09/12/2025 19:47

dottiedodah · 09/12/2025 19:35

Wow you are a superstar already! YANBU at all .14 months is hard work ,you must be exhausted .My DD and DH have a 6 month old, and although I offered to do day care twice a week. they have opted for Nursery.I am younger than you are and havent been well.I would say to your daughter ,you are no longer able to care for baby say from Easter onwards. This gives her time to make new arrangements .If you can afford to ,you could offer to pay a day or so Nursery fees .If not no problem, you have gone over and above what is expected of you!

Pay for grandchild's nursery fees? I have to disagree with this and would strongly suggest that the OP absolutely does not do this. We have to take responsibility for our own children.

RisingSunn · 09/12/2025 19:57

dottiedodah · 09/12/2025 19:35

Wow you are a superstar already! YANBU at all .14 months is hard work ,you must be exhausted .My DD and DH have a 6 month old, and although I offered to do day care twice a week. they have opted for Nursery.I am younger than you are and havent been well.I would say to your daughter ,you are no longer able to care for baby say from Easter onwards. This gives her time to make new arrangements .If you can afford to ,you could offer to pay a day or so Nursery fees .If not no problem, you have gone over and above what is expected of you!

I would say to your daughter, you are no longer able to care for baby say from Easter onwards

See, I think even that is too long to change the arrangements. She is near 80 and that's 4 more months, full time with a 1 year old. - plus the primary school pick ups for the older kids.

She needs to start enjoying her retirement again asap.

MCF86 · 09/12/2025 20:05

I hope your conversation went well OP.
They should be entitled to claim some of the childcare fees back.
It was quite cheeky of her to assume ten years down the line you'd still be as up for having a baby so much anyway. They've done very well out of you and I'd be disappointed if this caused any friction.

Randomlygeneratedname · 09/12/2025 20:14

My mum has one of my children 2 days a week (other days at cm) if I were to have another in a couple of years, I have already told her I won't include her in the mix for childcare as she would be mid 70's by that point. I think it's insane she included you in the plan for a new baby when nearly 80!

femfemlicious · 09/12/2025 20:14

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

OMG that really is a lot to ask of you!. I hope she won't be shitty about you not being able to have the baby!. She is very entitled!

Bambootrees · 09/12/2025 20:21

You are very brave to be looking after young children at your age including a baby; occasionally baby sitting maybe, permanent not do much.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/12/2025 20:21

Given your circumstances, this has become untenable. At best, your daughter is being thoughtless. She must now make other childcare arrangements.

I once worked full time and cared for one adult with dementia and one with physical disabilities. I was in my 50s and exhausted.

You are being expected to look after an adult with health challenges and a helpless infant. This is far too much for you. Tell your daughter that it has to stop.

Punkerplus · 09/12/2025 20:22

Did I also read right OP, there's days when you have SIX grandchildren sometimes at once? If so that's insane and you're children are massively taking advantage of you. My mum is 10 years younger than you and I'd never in a million years ask of her what your children are asking of you.

And please don't offer them money for childcare. Where does it end? Your daughter is 43, she needs to learn to stand on her two feet and deal with the consequences of her decision.

Bambootrees · 09/12/2025 20:23

No way I would put a parent over 70 to look after children on a permanent basis. They need to living their life.

Attempt333 · 09/12/2025 20:32

She really should have checked in with you op about the childcare before having the 3rd baby. She knew you were getting older and caring for your DH. My parents looked after all their grandchildren but now that I have had one and they were older I asked for 1 day per week and I knew that was alot so added an Extra nursery day instead. No way would I have just assumed that my elderly parent would go back to looking after a baby for me. Hope the chat goes well

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