AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

Hi, it sounds really stressful 😩. I’m a mum of 3, 2 of whom have AUDHD and ADHD and it’s incredibly hard and totally different to parenting an NT child. Do you think there could be any SEN going on?
I agree about working with school to find any underlying problems and also talking with them 1-2-1 each about what’s going on and explaining the consequences on you.

You said sleep is a problem which aligns with SEN. Have you considered melatonin gummies? Inadequate sleep then sets them up badly for the next day and on it goes.

if you think it’s the uniform which is the problem (shirt / tie), could the school make reasonable adjustments for a polo shirt instead?

But I think as the parents you do sometimes have to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself who's actually in charge here? Who's the adult? Who's the person responsible for paying the bills and putting this roof over our heads?

The number of times on here I see people complain that their child refuses to go to school but then next sentence admits that the kid is up til god knows when on devices.... sorry but WTF?! The reality is that for most of us if we don't get up and do what we need to we won't be able to afford nice things and definitely can't afford to be dicking about on an ipad or xbox all day. Sure if we have emotional difficulties or neurodivergence we need support with this but unfortunately the rules of the land are the rules of the land and it's our job to set those boundaries with our children

Honestly lots of kids and even parents need to research what life was like in the victorian and edwardian era and you might realise what a ridiculously low expectation it is to just get the hell out of bed and go to school where life is on the whole the most safe and nurturing that it has ever been.

You are absolutely not wrong. I would sit them down and walk them through the realities - if you are persistently late you will lose your job - if you lose your job there will be absolutely no money, their home will be at risk etc. A lot of adults now really shelter kids - with the best of intentions - from basic realities like this and it does the kids absolutely no favours. Do also check in with school etc, but absolutely have this conversation.

Keep christmas presents out of it

Your kids are old enough to get themselves to school. If they refuse leave their stuff outside the house remove them from the house and go to work. If they are driven to school then tough they have to walk.

Option B get up earlier to get them loving sooner

I tell my kids that exact thing when they are messing about when i need to get to work or do work.
I say they need to do their bit and get to school, be quiet, stop messing about etc, or we eill end up homeless and living in a cardboard box and I will have to sell their stuff to buy food.
I ask of them only a few things, get to school on time, do your homework, keep your room tidy and don't get in trouble. Three very simple things they have to do to support the house and to help us to be able to keep things running.
I absolutely do tell them the consequences of causing me to not get to work or causing an issue while I am on a work call.

Then you drop them at school in their pj’s.

Seriously. The next school morning have their bags packed and ready with a change of clothes and toothbrush and toothpaste and school shoes in their school bags and drop them to school in their pj’s.

Tell them the night before that if they aren’t dressed by a very specific time then you will physically drag them out of their beds and will drop them to school in their pj’s and make sure that this specific time is a time where you will leave the house earlier than usual.

Don’t feed them any breakfast. Pack them a liquid breakfast in their school bag.

Shaming them will be the only way this works.

My 5 year old with special needs manages to brush his teeth and get dressed by himself.

I do suggest that you start giving them melatonin at night. There is something very wrong going on here.

as for How i did it.

Firsty, i simply never allowed him the notion that he would 'win' any argument with me, i laid down the rules and they were stuck to, or consequences happened,

2. Regardless of if he wanted to be there, i still had to take his sister, and he still had to come with me as he couldn't stay home, and that included not being left in the car when i walked her in. So he was dressed and bought with uniform and offered the opportunity to stay in school once he was already in the building. With the schools support, he invariably stayed.

i appreciate that our situation is not everyone elses, but we all have to find what works and get on with it. this worked for us... but the first point has been vital in all steps of parenting my now young adult with Disabilities.

I'm assuming eventually your children do go to school, but it means they are late, thus making you late for work? Rather than point blank refusing to go to school, so they're at home and you go to work? You are now in a position where your boss has noticed you arriving frequently late. You could end up on a disciplinary, if it continues and yes, you could potentially lose your job. Do you work through lunch to make up the time? I guess you need to leave on time to pick your children up from school, so staying later to make the time up isn't possible? You need to be seen to be making the time up, not that it excuses the lateness. Are your children fine once in school? Other than your children arriving late, are they behaving well at school and doing OK academically? You need to speak to pastoral care, at school so they are aware of the difficulties. It's possible you may need some outside professional help. I would speak to them both tonight, tell them at your boss has noticed your are arriving late at work. If it keeps happening, you will lose your job. That means you could potentially lose your home, as you won't be able to pay the bills and that means no Christmas presents for anyone. If tomorrow morning they both refuse to get up and dress, tell them that's fine, they just need to get into the car, as they are. Pack uniforms into bags. You will need to follow through, by taking them to school in their nightclothes. If you threaten a punishment, then you MUST follow it through, otherwise it's just an empty threat. Yes, it's drastic, but you are in a situation that is becoming unsustainable and needs to stop.

This!

I would punish them, removing stuff is the best. I removed DS Xbox for a week once, his Father took it in to his workplace. Any threat has to be carried out though otherwise they see your weakness.

What aren’t they getting to sleep? All electronics removed I hope. What’s the deal with the Dad ?

I’m sorry they won’t get dressed? Your letting children of their age dictate, I imagine they are terribly behaved otherwise also. No Christmas and start taking them to school in their PJs there is no way I would have this. No screens, no treats and seriously nothing until they sort it!

Completely agree.

I can’t imagine any child wearing pyjamas is going to get in the car knowing it will result in them being driven to school in those pyjamas for them to then have to wear them in front of their peers?

What is OP supposed to do? Drag both children into the car in the morning and then drag them into their classrooms?

My 7yo refuses to get dressed occasionally, I tell him he can go to school in his pyjamas then and no tablet after school. I’ve never got past the front door without him apologising and getting dressed.

And before anyone says “but what about SEND?” he has ADHD and is awaiting ASD assessment too. However he is still perfectly capable of understanding rules, boundaries and rewards for good behaviour. If I went with the “low demand” approach that some people advocate he would happily spend every day lying in bed watching his tablet, never showering and eating junk food!

My mum threw me in the car with my clothes and told me it was my choice whether I was dressed by the time we reached the school (it was playschool) as I'd be going in regardless. I knew she meant it! I learned how to get dressed pretty quickly!

Mine also has SEN and suspected ADHD. He still has to get himself dressed and brush his teeth.

I have severe executive disfunction so I wrote down every single step of getting ready in the morning and what time he needed to complete each step. I know that if any step is delayed I yell to hurry up. Then I know what time we have to physically walk out of the door to make it to school on time.

It means that I can brew coffee in the morning and chill for a bit without yelling at him to hurry up. I can tell him each step and he just does it.

After talking gently with each child, and establishing there really aren’t any underlying issues at school, with friendships or SEN then I would remove all phones, tech and turn off the WiFi, and leave on time whether they are ready or not. Tell them to get into the car in their pyjamas, and follow through. You can take their clothes with you - and build in time for them to change once there.

Mine would not be on any kind of tech ever again until they can prove that they are responsible enough to have them. This would mean earning back your trust and respect by being on time every single day for a week, extend as much as you need to.

I have always said to my children act little a toddler and you will be treated like one.

I would get them in the car in their pyjamas. Put the uniform in a bag in the car but don't tell them you have it. Let them start to panic when you get to the school and they realise how silly they're about to look before you let them change. Be prepared to actually send them into their classroom in their PJs if they're stubborn- and you can tell the teacher why in front of them.

We did this with DD once, although she was much younger.

What about putting a list of gifts up on somewhere?

Each time they don't get up, cross one off.

My 19 year old son called me a name yesterday so this morning I returned his telly that I bought him for Christmas.

He was due a few more presents, tools he needed for his Carpentry apprenticeship and he won't be getting them either.

Between you and me, he can fuck right off.

Exactly.

There's a young girl who is a neighbour of my parents. She was a lovely, happy little girl with a full life and a bright future. Then she had some problems at school with another child behaving really inappropriately towards her and the school handled it badly, and she just refused to go back.

My Mum said that you just need to tell her she has to go. Enrol her at a different school if necessary or make a formal complaint, whatever is needed, but she can't just not go.

The parents said they couldn't make her go if she didn't want to. She's 17 now, she can barely leave the house, her confidence is shot, she's extremely overweight because she just sits at home and eats. Her parents have said they wished now they'd just made her get in the car because letting her avoid the situation increased her anxiety by a million times.

Absolutely. They are old enough to realise the consequences of their actions. Ditto as another poster said that you need to tell them you could lose your home as well.

I took one of mine to school in pajamas and bare feet once. Freezing your arse off in a line in the playground, in the middle of January, waiting to be allowed into school with all your friends laughing at you proved a surprisingly good motivator. Never refused to get dressed again.

That’s not ok.

He called you a name and so you’re returning his Xmas presents.

That’s messed up.

He's an adult who should know better. It's absolutely OK not to give gifts to grown men who call you names.

Lolz.