Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

327 replies

imsoverytired82 · 09/12/2025 07:33

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 09/12/2025 08:43

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/12/2025 08:03

They need to have immediate consequences. I'd also involve the school if they aren't already involved.

Won't get dressed? Fine, I'm not dressing you because you aren't babies so you can go to school in your pj's and we'll see what the teachers and your friends think about that.

Play up in the mornings? Fine. No screens, no clubs, no treats. You can sit at home because this is exactly what it will look like when I lose my job for always getting there late because you are both playing up. Except we'll also have no house too, do you see how cold it is? Do you want to sleep outside?

and absolutely. Christmas is cancelled until further notice.

Edited

Pretty much! They're at ages where they should be experiencing actions and consequences.

YourWildAmberSloth · 09/12/2025 08:44

What punishments or consequences have you tried already? Do they still have their devices, treats, snacks, tv, clubs, pocket money etc? If so I would remove them. Its not about losing your job so you can't afford Christmas presents, its about them not doing what they eed to and losing out as a consequence.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 09/12/2025 08:48

Han86 · 09/12/2025 07:44

Yes talk to them about the realities of being late to work, but you need to tackle why they are doing this. Is there a reason for them both to refuse to get up and get ready?
What support are the school/schools giving you? Primary schools are usually pretty good and have a family support worker - can you talk to them about your struggles and maybe they can talk to the youngest to see if they can get to the bottom of this behaviour. The eldest if at secondary school will have the head of year or pastoral team.

This is the approach I'd take.

Do they hate school?

Are they at the same school? Could they walk in?

I'd also try getting a friend to call for them on the way in. They might be embarrassed into getting dressed.

SussexLass87 · 09/12/2025 08:50

School refusal is so so tough - can you talk to your boss? Explain the situation? And are the school supporting you?

Ohthatsabitshit · 09/12/2025 08:50

Do something before school, so they are getting up for that rather than to leave the house for school. Basically have your evening in the morning or go somewhere they like first thing. It’s a pain in the arse but might knock you all out of your present hell.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 09/12/2025 08:52

MignonsMorceaux · 09/12/2025 07:44

I've told mine we leave at X time. If they're in their pyjamas then they go to school in their pyjamas.

I'm not actually sure what would happen if they did...

This.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 09/12/2025 08:53

I'll tell you what works like a charm to get them up – The Birdie Song, full volume. I kid you not – I give my DD a 5-min warning and then if she is still in bed I blast it through the house on every speaker. Takes about three seconds to work! Now I only have to resort to using it occasionally – just the threat of it is enough!

CinnamonBuns67 · 09/12/2025 08:54

Yanbu if you are willing to actually follow through with what you say and really get them nothing otherwise they'll learn that mum only makes empty threats and will not take you seriously and it'll get worse. This happened with a friend and some mornings she can't get her kids to school as she cannot physically drag them to school and she had to quit her job.

Chiconbelge · 09/12/2025 08:57

Sorry you are having such a tough time - we went through something like this and it sucked. The absolute key is to find a way to turn the emotion down, work out and communicate your plan calmly not in the heat of battle. We by the way were helped by the suggestion that our DS might have low blood sugar on waking and advice to give him a little to eat/drink when we woke him. I agree with peeps that at this age they are old enough to be told plainly and ideally unemotionally that everything from the food on the table to the Christmas presents depends on you being paid and that you simply don’t have the choice to be late every morning because people get fired if they don’t arrive on time.

cramptramp · 09/12/2025 08:57

Only say this if you’re willing to follow it through. Pointless otherwise.

PinkHairbrushClub · 09/12/2025 09:01

MignonsMorceaux · 09/12/2025 07:44

I've told mine we leave at X time. If they're in their pyjamas then they go to school in their pyjamas.

I'm not actually sure what would happen if they did...

I did this with my daughter once. We drove to school in PJs. I had her uniform in a bag and when she panicked when she saw I meant it we took five mins for her to get dressed in the car. She hasn’t done it again since!

KTheGrey · 09/12/2025 09:01

TinselAndSparkles · 09/12/2025 07:58

Whatever you do you have to follow up on. My son is older than that but I didn’t buy him anything last year due to his absolutely shocking (and sustained) bad behaviour. It was painful to follow through on it but things have improved, slowly. He got the shock of his life when he realised that he really wasn’t getting anything.

That is hardcore. I admire your firmness and am glad it was a turning point for his behaviour.

WinterOnItsWayOut · 09/12/2025 09:05

Thechaseison71 · 09/12/2025 07:56

Took one of mine to nursery in pyjamas. He " didn't care" until we arrived and all the other kids were dressed. Quickly asked to get dressed then lol.

Strangely I had no more issues throughout the rest of his school life

Show quote history

I did this too! The pre-school manager was trying so hard not to laugh 😆

MossAndLeaves · 09/12/2025 09:05

Have you tried bribes? A reward chart which pocket money is determined by, they get £1/2 each day that they get dressed by themselves.
Then phrase it as "are you going to get your £1 for today?" Rather than "go and get dressed"

tripleginandtonic · 09/12/2025 09:06

MignonsMorceaux · 09/12/2025 07:44

I've told mine we leave at X time. If they're in their pyjamas then they go to school in their pyjamas.

I'm not actually sure what would happen if they did...

Take their uniforms in with them and they'd get changed in school somewhere.

OriginalSkang · 09/12/2025 09:08

I would take away the plug for the TV and any devices and tell them they won't get them back until they get up on time for school every day. On top of telling them that Christmas is cancelled unless they do the same.

Izzywizzy85 · 09/12/2025 09:10

Yep, I’d be leaving at 8am whether they’re dressed or not, and I’d walk them into school in their pyjamas. I’d the younger one emulating the older one I wonder? Are they naughty in other aspects of their life?
try this and if it doesn’t work, christmas would be next. It sounds really hard OP, you have to get tough.
any electronics/iPads would be gone too x

Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman · 09/12/2025 09:10

PinkHairbrushClub · 09/12/2025 09:01

I did this with my daughter once. We drove to school in PJs. I had her uniform in a bag and when she panicked when she saw I meant it we took five mins for her to get dressed in the car. She hasn’t done it again since!

Show quote history

I’ve done this too. Personally I would try it and other more immediate consequences rather than threatening to cancel Christmas.
I think for most kids it’s more effective to have a consequence that immediately follows on from a behaviour and connects to it. Being taken in your PJs if you won’t get dressed seems to fit the bill.

Izzywizzy85 · 09/12/2025 09:11

Oh also, STOP standing and dressing them like a pair of toddlers! Time to get tough OP!

MossAndLeaves · 09/12/2025 09:11

AtIusvue · 09/12/2025 08:30

This is what you do:

  • Take two mornings off this week.
  • You don’t rush the kids, you don’t get them up, you don’t get them dressed. You let them get ready in their own time.
  • If they are late, they are late and they will deal with the consequences at school
  • You can remain calm because you know you won’t be late for work.
  • Once at school, you walk them to the main doors. In front of all their friends. Or if they are so late you take them to reception and tell staff they didn’t get themselves ready.
  • You tell them every time they aren’t in the car by X, then you will walk them into school. Every. Single.Time.

Or

  • If they live close to the school or there is a bus. You tell them that from now on, it’s the bus to school.
  • Again, take two mornings off to run this through.
  • The kids set their own alarm and get themselves ready.
  • If they miss the bus, then you drive them in but you walk them to the doors of the school.
  • If they can walk, then again, leave them to it. If they are late, they can deal with the consequences.

There’s zero point in saying no Xmas pressies unless you are willing to carry it out. I suspect you’ve probably bought most of the presents anyway. Never talk of consequences that you know and the kids know, you won’t carry out. You lose your authority.

You also have to remain calm. They need to see you being calm and in complete control. They need to see that you’re not stressed. They need to see you carrying out consequences in real time.

Leave them to it in the mornings. Don’t get involved. Keep the atmosphere calm. They know that because youre desperate to get to work, that it’s YOU that’s taking on all the stress and responsibility to get them ready. Take off the arm bands…they need to sink or swim.

I doubt going in late will bother them. When I've had a meeting at school after drop off there was about 10 DC coming in through the office at various stages of late whilst I was waiting, and the receptionist just took them through without any fuss or questions.
Secondary may be different as detention is a deterrent but at primary it will likely make them less worried about being late.

firstofallimadelight · 09/12/2025 09:13

My son had a phase of not wanting to go to school(really awful and I worked with school on it) it was hard but I had to get him in the car and get him there. There were times I chucked shoes/bag /coat in the car and he would put them on on route.

Firstly are they getting up early enough? Are they getting enough sleep?
Secondly I would talk to them at a quieter point in the day or at a weekend about why them being so late is making things harder for you and try to get to the bottom of why this is happening.
And lastly I would write a time table out for when they need to do what and what time you are leaving at (plan your leaving time ten minutes before you need to to allow for last min issues.) be clear you will no longer be harassing them it will be one instruction “ time to get dressed/teeth etc” and nothing more. If they are not ready you throw their stuff in the car and you all set off. They will soon learn it’s easier to get dressed at home.
You could also go down the reward route, being ready on time every day will earn an hour extra screen time etc at weekend.

Izzywizzy85 · 09/12/2025 09:14

MossAndLeaves · 09/12/2025 09:11

I doubt going in late will bother them. When I've had a meeting at school after drop off there was about 10 DC coming in through the office at various stages of late whilst I was waiting, and the receptionist just took them through without any fuss or questions.
Secondary may be different as detention is a deterrent but at primary it will likely make them less worried about being late.

Edited
Show quote history

This is a good point, maybe explaining the plan to school first will help? So there’s a teacher waiting to have a stern word when they arrive!

firstofallimadelight · 09/12/2025 09:15

Also agree with others avoid consequences you can’t/wont follow through on, you lose your credibility.

nutbrownhare15 · 09/12/2025 09:15

Can they go to bed in their uniform for the next day?

nutbrownhare15 · 09/12/2025 09:16

I'd recommend the book How to talk so kids will listen