AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

Good advice.

But they're 11 and 9.

If you read through the thread there are a dozen other suggestions beyond school in pjs. It's a matter of choosing one that works for the family and following through: No screens of any kind until dressed and downstairs, pocket money deducted any day they aren't ready to go on time, boarding school applications, arranging with work to be late for a few days so you can take them into school late and they have the embarrassment/consequences that brings, explanation that mum will lose job and they will have to give up their home and live in poverty or.... I mean there are loads of suggestions. Don't want to be unsympathetic but it's not rocket science to sort this - its a matter of focusing on it fully, fully, fully for a few days and being prepared to follow through.

Teacher here - I’ve only ever had to do this once. I told a mum of a Y2 girl with very poor attendance, due to refusing to get dressed, to bring her in her pyjamas. I gave her a bag with her uniform in and asked her to get dressed. She was dressed in double quick time and her mum never had to battle her about getting dressed again. It will work! Nobody teased her either but it also served as a warning to the rest of the class too. Just wondering if there are any other issues going on? Good luck.

I don't know. If you Google does punishment actually work, there is lots of evidence to say that it isn't all that effective, even in jails. Most people keep reoffending. Its nearly the Christmas hols too. Maybe it would make for a happier run up to Christmas if OPs goal was met in a stress free way. IMO

I think there is nothing wrong with allowing your dc of these ages to realise that you need to be working as a team - you need to keep your job to keep a roof over their head and food on the table, their contribution is to get themselves to school and learn. That’s what makes the s et-up work.
However, a short sharp shock can help. Does the school telephone if students aren’t at registration with no explanation? Or is there a secretary/teacher who could be pressed into service to do this if you explained the situation. What would the dc’s reaction be if you just suddenly said ‘ok’ and just got on with cleaning the kitchen or something. And when the phone goes at 9.10 just hand it to them ‘It’s Mrs X, about why you’re not in school, deal with it’.
I did this with my dd, albeit she was a little older (yr 8 I think). I just gave her the phone. (I had talked to her head of year the day before about the problem.) That was the end of that problem, although there were plenty more over the teen years let me tell you.
We have to be our dc’s safety net but sometimes it’s for the greater good to whip the safety net away, just temporarily.

@LemonLass

I haven't read the whole thread. I can't see the connection between not getting up and no Christmas? A consequence should be logical.

It's in the very first sentence of OP's opening post. Christmas presents and other special celebratory food and activities cost money - if OP loses her job because of her DDs' making her late for work every day, the family will have far less money available.

They must be able to grasp this concept at their ages, even if it has to be explicitly spelled out to them initially.

Send them in their pj's once and put their school uniform in a bag . Time to get tough. If they keep doing it keep sending them in it. They'll soon get the message when all the other kids start making fun.

I like PP's idea of putting out a big box for them to put all of their valuables in to be sold to pay bills 'when' you lose your job; but I'd be even more explicit about it.

Make a spreadsheet and print it off, then leave it somewhere very prominent where they will certainly see it - maybe on the fridge or dining table. Use large fonts and strong colours and title it something like "Getting money urgently if I'm sacked from my job".

Have a column labelled 'Non-essential Item' and the one next to it called 'Estimated value when sold'. Put one or two of your own token items on there, with a realistic value, and then lots of the girls' items as well - maybe with a separate colour for each of you. 'Ella's phone'; 'Olivia's Laptop'; 'Living Room TV'; 'Ella's White Fox Coat from her birthday' (can replace with one from charity shop); 'Nintendo Switch'....... Have a separate column with itemised monthly bills and correlate that total with the value of the goods that you could potentially sell.

Don't say anything about it specifically, but just generally mention your worries about losing your job if you keep having to go in late. I'd be rather surprised if that didn't have quite an impact once they realise that their behaviour doesn't just make trouble for Mum (who cares about her, eh?), but is likely to cost them all of their own nice stuff, if they keep it up.

Sorry if I missed other posts - why has this started / when - any particular 'event' / have you asked them why they are behaving like this? XX Most good employers (and schools) should be empathetic if they know whats going on. (I would be). And may have suggestions?? Do they have phones? Maybe check their SM for bullying etc?? Good luck x

Not as harsh a consequence as OP losing their job and potentially their house if they can’t pay bills. That consequence would take a long time to fix.

talk to the school and see what they suggest. They are there to help and can set things up from their end too.

At11 years old? Isn't that a bit old for that?

I'm in my 40s and this was the plan I came up to take a medication every day that I need to take (but don't want to take) for the rest of my days. I haven't missed a dose, after consistently missing it for ages.

It works because you have the 'why', you have a physical location where the task has to happen, and you have the sounds you can associate with doing the task, and you have the muscle memory of ticking it off etc.

There's tonnes of songs out there about getting up, being fresh etc.

Hmm I think if my dad had tried this when I was 11 id have been like WTF???

Is have thought he'd lost the plot

I warned my son time and time again, I. The end, I dragged him into the school in his pyjamas, he never ever played me up in the mornings again. But then again I’m old school.

And you were dragging one in not two which is a lot more difficult

If I’d have had two believe me they would have been dragged. But then I ruled my house not my children.

If you ruled the house why did you need to drag a child to school in pyjamas. I wouldn't feel like I was ruling the house if I had to do that.

I give up.

@imsoverytired82 Any improvement this week OP?

"Let's call Miss Johson (their favourite teacher) and explain that you don't want to get dressed today". Pick up the phone and dial the number. How do they react?

Oh for heaven's sake.
Always one.

Well if you want to brag about how you rule the house maybe don't let everyone know that your child is so much not a bit bothered that you are in charge that you need to drag him out of the house in pyjamas.

Thankfully the OP realises that it isn't a solution she will be using.

Now that's a much more usable technique.

Bingo.