AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

I agree with getting them up earlier but I disagree with them getting themselves to school.

A 9yo should not be getting themselves to school.

My DDs school would not let a 9yo leave without someone collecting them.

My DD would have loved it if I had left the house for the day.
She wouldn’t have bothered getting herself to school, she would have just gone back to sleep and had a fun day off.

I would simply remove all electronics and only give them back on the days they got ready on time.

So he’s doing an apprenticeship on crap money to get a decent career and his parent won’t give him his tools because he called her a ‘bad name’.

I dislike the term snowflake but I definitely think it’s relevant here.

He may be an adult but he’s still a teenager, yet the actual adult is acting more childish than the teenager.

I'm assuming you are a single parent. If you are not, then some further detail would be useful.

As someone up post suggested, speak to your boss and be honest. You are having a bleddy nightmare with your kids. You know the impact it's having at work and you are doing your best to address immediately. If there is any flex in making up the time then offer.

For starters, I would sit them down and tell them that you've had a final warning in writing from work. Mock one up on headed notepaper. They won't know anything about employment law so make the consequences abrupt and with no notice. Something like a single further incidence of lateness in the next six months meaning immediate termination. That will get you almost to the summer holidays.
If your workplace is open, I would also say that you've been asked to cover Christmas Day because a colleague who is always on time for work has asked for it off and your boss quite rightly doesn't know why he should not revoke your booked leave.

Consequences - Devices. Total removal today. Everything. Returned on Christmas Day if people shape up. Remove the cable from the back of the TV. It can come back on the weekends.
REITERATE YOU CANNOT LOSE YOUR JOB.

If you are a single parent, then at 9 and 11 I'm sorry but they need to understand the reality of what will happen if you lose your job in the current economy especially if it's the sort of workplace sector like retail that never hires people in January. Never mind one let go for permanent lateness. Will you lose your home?

Otherwise. Lots of loud dance or happy music at least 30 mins before they have to get up. Bare Necessities [of life] never fails to raise a grin. Make a happy music playlist. Blare it. Buy a mini Alexa for their room so you can play it on repeat and they can add to it.

Temperature? Is the house cold in the mornings? My house was perishing growing up. Dad wouldn't heat the upstairs in the morning only at night. We used to get dressed in the kitchen before a portable gas heater [see link but not suggesting you buy one] and there was ice on the inside of the windows from the frozen condensation. I can understand why getting up when it's freezing might be challenging. If that's the issue is there anyway around it like leaving uniform on a heated airer on a timer or similar?

.https://www.amazon.co.uk/PORTABLE-CABINET-HEATER-REGULATOR-Onecolor/dp/B0BMW7ML6M/ref=asc_df_B0BMW7ML6M?mcid=f4e3439555493170b5b6d41aa1b4f39f&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697343190686&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8265509597931000521&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045078&hvtargid=pla-2277485785677&psc=1&hvocijid=8265509597931000521-B0BMW7ML6M-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

At 11, puberty may well have already hit

I used to have this. Brought in a simple rule. No breakfast until you're dressed. I started it in the holidays so that I wasn't stressed. Never went past 10. Stuck to it rigidly even at weekends. Never have an issue now they get dressed and come straight down for breakfast.

@imsoverytired82 I would endorse sending them in their pyjamas with school clothes in their bags OR putting them to bed in their clothes for the next day. Take away the demand with an alternative. Unless they have significant SEND they may well decide getting dressed in the morning is a better option!

Called me a cunt and not for the first time.

Said his sister ate some chocolate and he would give her back her stuff (college laptop) when she returned it.

What he doesn't know is she wasn't home all day.

He hates her and tells her so.

I'm going to use the money to pay off the 400 euro phone bill I got on Monday due to him using a heater in his room non stop despite being asked to stop.

T shirt off and the room like a sauna.

Nah, don't feel bad at all.

He only recently started the apprenticeship, before that while he was waiting to start he earned more than I did so he had time to plan but did he, nope.

I'll still pay his phone bill and I won't ask for the 40 euro he borrowed from me 3 weeks ago, although I've asked multiple times. I'm not a total monster.

He will get the tracksuit I bought him as it's too late to return it.

He'll also get about 600 euro from family.

I would be worried about the bullying that might happen especially for the older child. It seems to work but at what cost?

Every time they fail to get up and get dressed, tell them that tomorrow you'll have to wake them up half an hour earlier.

DO NOT BACK DOWN. If they won't get out of bed, douse them with cold water.

You will soon see the results you're looking for.

Such a shame that actions have consequences, isn't it?

Nope some tough love needed here. My friend was like your daughters when they where little & their mom said if you aren’t ready by x time you’ll go to school as you are. She remembers her mom physically picking her up in a pants & putting her in the car. She made as if she was driving to school & once she started crying she turned round & took her home to change. She did take her to school with a pj top on with her school jumper in a bag. She got embarrassed & was horrified her mom was making her go to school like that. She got changed in the car. I doubt her mom was going to go through with the threat but at the risk of her peer group laughing at her she stopped playing up.

id personally ban them from a privileges when they behave like this. No screens etc. I told mine that as long as your fed, clothed, warm & loved I don’t need to provide you with the clothes you want, iPads, computers etc. they’re all extras I do out of love. Don’t abuse my generosity because you’ll get the bare minimum

Once they are dressed do they willingly go to school? I mean is the getting up and getting dressed the problem rather than school?

Im sorry op that sounds incredibly hard. Do you have any idea why they wont do this? I assume the younger one is copying the older one (though maybe not necessarily true).

Have you asked the school if there are any issues there or if there isn't if they could have a word with the girls?

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all and a calm but clear chat about what exactly the consequences of their behaviour are is definitely worth trying but I guess at age 9 and 11 they probably know that going to school is not optional. I also told my kids that going to school is a legal requirement (and I won't home school to them) so if we can't manage that the state will get involved to make sure they are in school.

Electronics have nothing to do with this.

Yes 9 year olds all over the world get themselves to school. In Europe it's totally normal for kids to walk to school alone from age 6/7. If you're still taking a child to school age 9 around here there is definitely something wrong.

As for letting them leave alone this isn't the issue is it? OPs problem is getting them there. What the school going to do send her home alone (against policy) because she showed up alone? Madness

They need more immediate rewards. Reward for good behaviour rather than punish for bad.

A chart with the 5 days of school on it. Ticks for each day getting dressed.
Try to think of something they'd love and give them that as a reward for getting dressed on Monday. Might be a different reward for each child.
Could be sweets, tv time, ipad/game console time, whatever.
You might need to take all these off them for a week or two and then reintroduce them back as rewards. We have done this. It's great fun. Not. Yeah, it's hard, but it works.
So If they get dressed Monday - > reward, same for Tuesday and so on for a week. Next week try to delay the gratification a bit, say if they get dressed Mon-& Tues they get a reward and Wed, Thurs & Fri they get a reward Friday / at the weekend.

They are both more than old enough to understand that showing up to school in pj's would be embarrassing and potentially have some consequences. Best get dressed on time then, hey?

They aren't babies.

I wouldn't be rewarding them for something as basic as getting dressed either. Absolutely not.

If they were 2 and 4 maybe but they're too old for this. Getting dressed and showing up where you're supposed to be for the day isn't good behaviour it's bare minimum. You're not going to function at all in life if you're not able to do this and these kids are more than half way to adulthood. Rewards at this age are for practicing your piano or acing your maths test. Being ready for school is not desirable it's essential. No ifs no buts. Rewards only reenforce the idea that it's optional.

Exactly! I bet at least the 11yo will mind going to school in pyjamas.

I also don’t believe they don’t care about any consequences - have you already taken away all screen privileges, all food treats, removed all their toys from their bedrooms etc? Or removed bedroom doors (did that to DS once as he kept slamming the door - he was v annoyed and he is not slamming doors anymore!)

I read once that someone took their kids to school in their PJs and they were so mortified they never fucked around again. Is that an option?

Classic power struggle.

What's your routine?

How do they get to the point where they outright disobey and ignore their mother’s directives? This dysfunction doesn’t happen overnight.

following as my 15 yr son is the same

What a pity that a good hard slap across the arm or legs has gone out of favour. Thats what I would have got for a "school refusal".

My 16 year old was being an arse about going college today. I told him that this behaviour was ruining Xmas for me and if he doesn’t get up and go don’t bother me thinks Xmas again because I’m not doing the Mrs Xmas routine each day only to get hassle in the mornings. He’s at college today.

My 16 year old has been like this all throughout school. He is a lot better at college tbf and is only playing up because he wants an apprenticeship and does t like his course. No excuse but just letting you know it gets better. It’s a battle though you have to stay consistent with.