AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

My aunt was a teacher and in the 90s she had a boy turn up in his pyjamas. The boys was always late and his mum apparently told him if he didn't get dressed she'd take him to school in his pyjamas. He refused to get dressed so she took him in his pyjamas (his uniform was in his bag).
That boy was never late again. However it's a pretty harsh thing to do. Then again so is saying no presents. Would you really follow through on that?

Can you have a bit of a brain storm and try and think of other ways of getting them to school on time - even if the possible solution seems bizarre.

Ie like, as suggested, take them to school in pyjamas (they can change into uniform when they get there). But will it be possible to wrangle them physically into your car/bus/walk them?

I remember reading about some parents who put their children to bed in their school clothes and at the time I must admit I thought this was terrible - but needs must - this could be a tactic - and remember this won’t be a permanent thing.

If they see that you can have the authority to make them get to school, then they may just start cooperating more.

Start putting them to bed way, way earlier. Perhaps they will ‘earn’ a later bedtime, by co-operating in the morning. Or change all the clocks in the morning get them up an hour earlier - so they do in fact get to school on time (you’ll also have to have no digital devices allowable).

Just come up with as many ideas as you can, and yes tell them you may lose your job if you have to.

Also, try see if there’s any other reason (if they will/can articulate) what their problem is in the morning.

Think outside the box - whatever works to get you to work on time - is worth considering. You are looking for a temporary stop gap solution while you fix the longer term problem.

Absolutely this, as can see a refusal to go to school at all if you say go in pyjamas. Have your phone charged but everything else off. No tv, devices anything. How many days of doing nothing will they put up with?

Why is it harsh? Obviously worked

I would blow my lid to be honest. Be firm and stop pandering to them, take away any iPads etc. You need to be the boss and if that means your blunt and there’s no Christmas then so be it.

Tell him the reality of what happens if you lose your job, lay it on thick and ask him what pyjamas he wants to wear to school tomorrow.

I'd do this too. Explain you are in serious trouble with your boss and will lose your job. Turn off the water at the mains, and flip the trip switch on electricity so the house is in darkness when you get back from school next evening. Explain that if you don't get to work on time, this is what life will be like. All they have to do is get dressed.

I'd also just get them out of the house in their PJs and walking to school like that at least once. You have to be on time, no option. They can choose whether to make fools of themselves by going to school in PJs.

They'd own nothing and would be told straight that Christmas can't happen, if they were mine. When did this start? I'd be involving the school. If it went on, you'd lose residency. They need to know this.

Do you have to ask? 😁

YANBU.

This sounds tough op.

I would:

-Contact the school to ask them if they would be supportive in you following through with a condition that if they refuse to get dressed, you send them in their pajamas? Then actually do it.

-Sit down with the kids and explain the impact on your job and you risk losing it. As you are currently at risk of losing your job, you will be cutting things like netflix, any treats they have and no xmas in order to save money for emergencies and bills.

-Remove wifi access

Agree with most of the consequences/ ideas mentioned above but also, how have you got to this point in the first place? What is underneath this? There must be some unhappiness there and I think you need some professional help as a family to work through that before they are teenagers.

I agree. It's not harsh. It's not a punishment, it's teaching by consequences. I once told DS to get in the car in his PJs as it was time to go to school and he;d been messing around, I wasn't angry, I acted all surprised: But you knew it was time for school and you chose not to get dressed. So wear your PJs. Let's go! He never messed around again.

OP, other ways you can try are: take phones and screens and switch off WiFi after 9pm. They don't get those back until they are dressed next morning. Set the alarm for 30 mins earlier than usual and have a quiet cup of tea and get yourself ready, then wake them up and say if they are dressed in 5 minutes there's a treat for breakfast and they can have a cartoon or 15 mins on their phone or whatever appeals to them, before you leave.

I wouldn’t link it to Christmas as I don’t think
the OP would follow it through.

You're not alone. I can't get my daughter up either. She's got serious mental health problems and under cahms and the eating disorder clinic. Best get some help with your dds

Yep as PP have already said. I took my middle DS to school in his PJs.

Everyday he refused to get dressed we were always late. So off he went in PJs no shoes walked to school. Secretly had all his school clothes in a bag with me so he changed once there he was mortified getting dressed in front of his class mates.

Never had another issue after that day.

you have to follow through with punishment, even if you know it’s extreme at the time. Be clear if you do this then I will do this - and then do it.

I have had a child come to school in their PJs. I had a really good relationship with the parent and this one part of the school and parents working together. But I taught 5 year olds, it's much harder as they get bigger, also it was a long time ago, not sure it would wash these days.
As others have said it would be better to talk to them at a non stressful time, probably after school or whilst eating this evening, to try and find out why.
From a sleep discussion I was at recently, Behaviour often stems from a feeling and the feeling from a need. If you can unlock it and address the need then you might help the behaviour.

I would. If its your job livelihood and sanity on the line, some xmas gifts not arriving. Actions have consequences and they need to know.

Rope in a friend to help for a week and get up early, get them to school in their PJs (with their uniform in a backpack so they can change) - they’ll get the message. I did this when my then Reception aged son was being difficult - got him in the car in PJs and when he saw I meant business dropping him at school when we got there whilst still in the car he begged me for the uniform, I said I had it with me, he changed in car. Never happened again. I mean we were late sometimes, but never because he refused to get dressed.

I would be brutal and tell them the realities of what could happen due to their behaviour. I’d be taking devices etc off them and take them in their PJ’s. School is non negotiable.

We had a system that worked really well. Any day they weren’t up and ready to go to school, they went to bed 30mins earlier- no devices- as they obviously needed more sleep.

When they were routinely ready for school, we pushed bedtime back a bit. So they could earn ‘staying up later and keeping gadgets’ time by showing they needed less sleep by being ready for school every morning.

I wouldn’t try and do it now, it’s too tense a time of year, but perhaps start like that in the New Year. Make sure you agree it with them though. Have a conversation about how much sleep they think they need. Suggest they prove it by being ready for school in the mornings. Make a deal that they can flex bedtime if they can be ready for school.

This is what you do:

• Take two mornings off this week.
• You don’t rush the kids, you don’t get them up, you don’t get them dressed. You let them get ready in their own time.
• If they are late, they are late and they will deal with the consequences at school
• You can remain calm because you know you won’t be late for work.
• Once at school, you walk them to the main doors. In front of all their friends. Or if they are so late you take them to reception and tell staff they didn’t get themselves ready.
• You tell them every time they aren’t in the car by X, then you will walk them into school. Every. Single.Time.

Or

• If they live close to the school or there is a bus. You tell them that from now on, it’s the bus to school.
• Again, take two mornings off to run this through.
• The kids set their own alarm and get themselves ready.
• If they miss the bus, then you drive them in but you walk them to the doors of the school.
• If they can walk, then again, leave them to it. If they are late, they can deal with the consequences.

There’s zero point in saying no Xmas pressies unless you are willing to carry it out. I suspect you’ve probably bought most of the presents anyway. Never talk of consequences that you know and the kids know, you won’t carry out. You lose your authority.

You also have to remain calm. They need to see you being calm and in complete control. They need to see that you’re not stressed. They need to see you carrying out consequences in real time.

Leave them to it in the mornings. Don’t get involved. Keep the atmosphere calm. They know that because youre desperate to get to work, that it’s YOU that’s taking on all the stress and responsibility to get them ready. Take off the arm bands…they need to sink or swim.

Have them get dressed into their clothes instead of pyjamas for a few days. Head out of th edoor five minutes before you need to and DO tell themyou will be homeless unless you can work. Christmas spending can not happen if you cannot work either.
Of course tell them. Put them to bed earlier. They obviously need more sleep.

I am going through something very similar with my 10yr old. He is on the ASD pathway however, she this may explain some degree of his rigid mindset and how things are magnified in his mind. But, it's a battle nonetheless 🥴

I have involved the school and continue to inform them of each and every morning he has a meltdown and either refuses to go in or goes in highly upset. They have been very supportive. They really are my saviour.

I findyself sometimes resenting him, which breaks my heart, but I do hope he improves with age.
I have no advice but words of encouragement - hang in there xx

School may be able to help you, ours would.