AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

I think it’s a good idea to sit down with them tonight and explain what would happen if you lose your job and how that will likely be an outcome if you continue to be late for work. I’d also ask them to talk to you about what’s worrying them and why they don’t want to go to school and if anything might help that be easier. I’d have everything you need ready the night before and try and make enough time in the morning that if they do get up and dressed you can all breakfast together or do a small activity (what about opening the advent calendar at the moment).

So essentially I would wrap up a discussion on this with something like “leaving the house at time x is non negotiable. We can do it so we all get up/dressed nicely at time Y, open our advent calendars and have a drink/breakfast together OR we can do it so I breakfast on my own, eat everyone’s advent chocolate and then load you into the car in your PJs with your uniforms in a bag. It will be your choice in the morning but not leaving at time x is no longer an option as I can’t lose my job” If you said this and followed though if they chose option B do you think it might work?

That sounds so stressful, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I think children should be made to understand that jobs are needed for them to have things, and that means they have to do their part to ensure you can work. My 7 year old DD has been told this on days when she doesn’t want to attend after school club but we need to work later than usual. She understands now, and we have had no further issues. I found it was a matter of airing her down and talking to her like a grown up (as far as one can with a 7 year old!) I explained briefly our income coming in, and our costs going out, and the extras we can afford for her as a result of having good jobs. Maybe start by having a calm chat about these things and making them understand the responsibilities, rather than saying you will not buy presents as a starting point. But if they do not improve, then absolutely yes, do say no presents. And if you can find any immediate consequences to impose that would be even better because they may simply disbelieve that you won’t buy them gifts.

Take in pjs and clothes in a bag

I'd not be focusing on xmas. I'd be focusing on homelessness and food! Yes you can mention the treats too but having a job and an income is about a lot of other basic needs being met too.

We are a neurodivergent household but I'm quite clear and firm about what can be bent and adjusted and what can't. So in a morning I make sure we are all up in good time (doesn't always work but we try). I also have a rule of nothing fun before they're completely ready. So no toys, screens, etc. Pack ups are made the night before. Clothes are laid out the night before. I try and make things as smooth as possible.

One of my kids responds really well to "gamifying" everything. eg this morning he raced a song getting dressed. My other child this would have made him more anxious and resistant, he'd just have panicked.

Unless they have severe learning disabilities they are old enough to be sat down one afternoon and a serious conversation had about things needing to change in a morning and how can you all make that work.

Earlier this year my children's behaviour was absolutely diabolical. Like, 3 hour bedtimes, brattiness, refusal to do anything, kicking walls and hitting me(son has ASD but still knows this is unacceptable). One day after school, they got home and their bedrooms were empty. Id put all their toys, devices etc in my bedroom and their rooms were only a bed, wardrobe, and desk. Had to earn their items back one by one.

My daughter takes herself to bed now and is asleep in 15 minutes. My son obviously still has difficult moments with his autism, but it's reduced massively and he has a good understanding of right/wrong. It was a huge turning point in our relationship and since that I can actually enjoy being with them both. Sometimes extreme & "harsh' is absolutely necessary! 💜

I’ve said Yabu because Christmas is too remote.

what exactly is the problem with getting up and out - can you break it down more? Is there a reason eg they hate school, their uniform is cold and scratchy, they are busy watching tv or playing? How many hours of sleep are they getting? What time do you wake them up?

Are they getting enough fresh air while they sleep? Lack of fresh air at night can make children and adults feel incredibly lethargic in the mornings. You can buy a little CO2 monitor online which will indicate if the air in their rooms is healthy or stagnant during the night.

I don't believe taking them to school in their pyjamas will work. Surely a 9 or 11 year old would simply refuse to get in the car.
It seems like very unusual behaviour, going rigid and having to be dressed at that age. Is there something more to it? Otherwise, I wouldn't put up with it at all, I would make them earn back all treats (ipads etc) by showing that they can get up and dressed.

They won't learn that is what real life is like, unless you teach it them. Quick! Good luck 🤞 💕

Yanbu. I would tell them you will all end up homeless too if you cant pay the bills. If they dont care about that i would start selling their stuff to make a point saying you need money for the bills! Lazy madams need to get themselves ready & up for school.

I'd probably tell them that because you are pretty much always late, you are now at risk of losing your job. No job means no money coming in in the near future so you need to start stripping out any costs that are not absolutely necessary and going very basic in order to save some money to live off while you find a new job which could take a very long time and may not pay as much as now. Turn the heating right down, no extra curricular activities, no parties, no Christmas presents, go very basic on food, no treats etc. Sell the more expensive toys. They will absolutely care about things that directly affect them in the now and that is your leverage in this situation. It must be a very hard situation to manage on top of everything else.

I used to see a woman from cahms and she admitted to me that she had issues with her youngest going to school around age 9 (she had fled dv and this was pre cahms but working 2 jobs), he refused for months, every day was a battle etc, she said she wasn't proud of it but she lost it one morning and dragged him to the car and took him to school in his pj's, she took some clothes not that he knew ofc. He never did it again. Not that I'm advocating this but desperate times and all that.

Absolutely tell them you can't do Xmas because of their behaviour, if they don't change then make sure you follow through!

My brother was a school refuser (was mostly my responsibility to get him there) and nothing worked so I do feel you here.

Like others have said at different times I have taken both of mine to school in their pyjamas. Carried over my shoulder. They cared when they saw all their friends and got changed in the car before going in. Having a set timetable for the morning has helped and knowing that I don't do hollow threats. If I say I will take them in their pj's they know I will. They know if they haven't eaten breakfast by 0720hrs they are too late and don't have any, if they aren't dressed by 0730hrs they will be carried to the car in pj's. It sounds harsh but I have to work and they have to learn.

Go and get some large cardboard boxes and tell them both to put all their gadgets and nice things in there as you need to sell them to pay the mortgage due to you losing your job because of their behaviour. Say they can keep basic clothing but nothing else. Unplug the TV and WiFi, basic food only and no treats whatsoever.

Make their lives as miserable as they are making yours.

You may already do this, but if not then take all gadgets off them at bed time and they don't get them back until they are dressed and ready for school. Don't give them back if they don't get dressed.

If they are in PJ's then take them to school in PJ's. I did that to DD oncce. The school contacted me about it. I explained I was at the end of my tether, and stuff started to happen to help me and her. She was diagnosed with various SEN in the last couple of years, since she left school, so a bit late, but explains a lot.

You have to set realistic consequences and follow through every single time.

Get a friend or family member to sit with you and talk calmly to them and ask why they won't get ready in the morning, and also to help you to explain that you need to work to earn money to pay for everything.

Oh OP that sounds awful, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Doesn't your older DD know that she will get periods soon? What does she plan to do about period management if she is currently relying on you to dress her like a toddler? You can't change pads for her, does she plan to go into school wearing the same one she wore the night before? Have you discussed this with her, a little frank reality check might help her realise how infantile her behaviour is.

Definately tell them the consequences of loosing your job. I would make thier lives as spartan as possible until they pull thier socks up.

11 and 9? What have I just read? This is 2 year old behaviour!

Right.

What consequences are in place for their behaviour?

Also.. talk to the school, tell then what is happening, warn them of you doing the following.

take them in to school in their PJs with their uniform in a bag.
if they won't get dressed, fine, they go in whatever they are or aren't wearing when it's time to leave.

Threaten the kids with it, make sure you carry it out.

I only had to do it once with mine. i imagine your 11yo will be mortified.. but actions have consequences.

Outside of this, please sit them down during a calm moment, and explain the consequences of their behaviour, and set some firm boundaries and consequences for behaviour that you DO NOT budge from.

There is a line, show them where it is and don't allow them to step over it, or push it back.

One of them must be the one starting it.

Definitely speak to school.
1 for help, but 2 to make sure nothing else is going on.

Has DD11 only just started secondary school or is she still in primary?

We used to drive to people’s homes when parents were at their wits end and needed our help.

I would also speak to them this evening and explain that you are a single parent and the money you earn has to pay all of the bills and Xmas presents - every time you’re late, you get less money.

If they have phones or electronics then take them away and give them back on days when they get to school on time.

Hi Op - parent of a school refuser here!

You aren't clear here - is this part of wider school refusal or are they fine once they are dressed and it's more of laziness with morning routine?

Oboviusly ignore suggestions about taking them in pajamas - nobody can force children this age to do that.

I have worked through years of school fear/ refusal with my autistic child - so I could offer advice but I think we need to know more.

If it's simply bad behaviour over the morning routine - my 13 year old's consequence if he is slow / lazy in the morning is no gaming that night.

really bemused by people suggesting a parent could 'make' an 11 year old go to school in their pajamas against their will

honestly, unless you have lived school refusal you have no idea....

I think you need a more direct consequence. Don't get me wrong I can understand why you want to 'cancel Christmas' but to me (and probably your kids) it feels very tit for tat and vindictive and as a consequence that's all your kids are going to learn.

I'd sit them down when they're feeling calm and logical. I'd explain that this simply can't go on and the likely consequences. I'd then give them a chance to talk to you about anything that might be bothering them about school and make a joint agreement on what the consequences are going to be of persistent awkwardness. The consequences coming to my mind are that if they're too tired and grumpy to get up in the morning then sacrifices need to be made the night before. Early bed, evenings are as boring as you can possibly make them. No phones. No wifi, no netflix, no playdates. Food, book and homework and lights out for an agreed time. If there's still problems then agreed time is pushed forwards half an hour. I'd also go for the loading them into the car in their pj's if they absolutely won't get dressed. I'm guessing they won't make that mistake more than once!

If these measures don't work it might be time to involve school for support but as difficult as it is they're your kids and it's ultimately your responsibility to get them to school

Have you got anyone the girls really look up to who could pop round for a couple of mornings or who could have a word with them about thier behaviour?

I used to leave my room in a disgusting mess when I was a teenager, I'm talking biohazard mess. No amount of of my DM's begging, pleading, getting angry or helping worked. DM bought her lovely step mum over who I adored, she was posh and would treat me like a grown up. She took one look at the mess, said 'my god' with the most disgusted face, turned on her heels and left the house. I was so ashamed that I tidied up and sorted myself out.

i have, and i still did it.

don't assume we don't know what we're talking about. thanks.

If you read the comments you'll see that a lot of people suggesting this do have school refusers and have actually done it. Situations aren't the same for everyone and for some it is possible and for some it works. A blanket statement like yours isn't correct or helpful.