AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

YANBU…I would! They need to understand there’ll be consequences.

I would go further and tell them you would end up homeless too!

I think you need some help to tackle this. Sorry you are going through this, it sounds incredibly stressful.

I would get professional help OP
Once puberty hits things will only get worse.

Thats so tough! How long have they been like this? Did anything kick it off, is the older one copying the younger one? Do they physically fight you or just go rigid?

I have told my son the same thing in the past. They are old enough to understand that their behavior has consequences beyond you telling them off.

Don’t tell them in the moment when things are fraught, tell them over dinner or at a calm time. Sit them down and explain that if you are late for work you will lose your job and exactly what that means for them.

Yes talk to them about the realities of being late to work, but you need to tackle why they are doing this. Is there a reason for them both to refuse to get up and get ready?
What support are the school/schools giving you? Primary schools are usually pretty good and have a family support worker - can you talk to them about your struggles and maybe they can talk to the youngest to see if they can get to the bottom of this behaviour. The eldest if at secondary school will have the head of year or pastoral team.

I've told mine we leave at X time. If they're in their pyjamas then they go to school in their pyjamas.

I'm not actually sure what would happen if they did...

You need to get to the bottom of why they won't go to school. And then talk to school to see what they can do to help.
Something like Early Help might be useful

Are they on devices at all such as phone, computer games etc whilst you want them up and ready for school?
If so then that’s your first port of call, all of that gets removed and not returned until you get the behaviour and respect you deserve and they are up and ready for school.
They also need to understand that their behaviour is impacting your own job and could lead to you losing it.
Can you think of any thing else that they like doing that you can withdraw?
You could contact the school and ask if a member of staff could have a quiet word about this, sometimes this can be embarrassing enough to get the desired result.
Are they up at a descent time at the weekend or is it the same story?
Good luck!

You need to sit them down tonight and agree expectations.

Cancelling Christmas is too far. You need a consequence for here and now. Can you cancel a club, their phone access, their TV viewing. Something more immediate.

Why don't they want to dress themselves? Don't they want to go to school?

Do you have a DP who can help?

Speak to their school - this isn’t acceptable behaviour and needs calling out and stopping now. If a social services referral is made who cares? You need outside support and to call out their bullshit.

Blow Christmas - there must be some consequence now that they suffer - are they close enough to walk to school themselves? If they were both 11 and over I’d leave them to get themselves to school - they seem to enjoy upsetting you.

Is this a school specific refusal pr is it transitions in general that are a struggle?

I don't think you'd be wrong to make them aware of the reality of the situation (you keep being late and you will loose your job) but like a ppl said its a conversation for a calm time.

You need a proper consequence. Take them to school in their pjs. What devices do they have and are using? I’d have a complete ban and WiFi turned off until they can start showing some maturity

Took one of mine to nursery in pyjamas. He " didn't care" until we arrived and all the other kids were dressed. Quickly asked to get dressed then lol.

Strangely I had no more issues throughout the rest of his school life

Is there anyone who can come in and help with them in the morning? They might not act like that with someone else.

You need to show you aren’t messing around. Risk of loss of job means no Netflix, sweets etc right now. Means Xmas presents are returned at the weekend. Means you’re looking at a smaller house where they’ll have to share a bedroom and summer holidays, phone etc is cancelled. Have the discussion this evening rather than tomorrow morning.

inform your boss that you’re having issues with childcare but will sort them by after Xmas if they can give you sound grace over the next 2 weeks.

Send them in their pajamas, but pack their uniforms in their school bags because otherwise the school will try to send them home and it will be your problem again (I'm assuming their other parent is completely out of the picture). If you find they ditch the uniform somewhere so they can't be made to change, tell the school and see if you can leave something there for them to change into. And yes of course tell them the logical consequences of their behaviour but don't let it get so far that you're in danger of losing your job - they're not the only ones impacted by that!!

(Of course, if there's a reason they are afraid to go to school that's another matter, but given that it's both of them and has been going on for months and they can't offer an explanation, that seems irrelevant.)

Do they eventually go to school ? If so, I’d do more than no Christmas presents. Switch off the WiFi. Lock away any phones/laptops/xbox, etc.

Have a strong and calm conversation that they are preventing you from being in work on time and your job is at risk. Without a wage, their life won’t be as comfortable as it is now.

Whatever you do you have to follow up on. My son is older than that but I didn’t buy him anything last year due to his absolutely shocking (and sustained) bad behaviour. It was painful to follow through on it but things have improved, slowly. He got the shock of his life when he realised that he really wasn’t getting anything.

Ha! I did this also. My DD got dressed on the doorstep to nursery aged 3. She never refused to get dressed again 😂

Why are they not looking forward to going to school and seeing their friends? Seems there could be something wrong there. I would have a chat with them 1 to 1 to understand. In the meantime, i agree with threatening them with PJs

What’s their morning routine OP?

They need to have immediate consequences. I'd also involve the school if they aren't already involved.

Won't get dressed? Fine, I'm not dressing you because you aren't babies so you can go to school in your pj's and we'll see what the teachers and your friends think about that.

Play up in the mornings? Fine. No screens, no clubs, no treats. You can sit at home because this is exactly what it will look like when I lose my job for always getting there late because you are both playing up. Except we'll also have no house too, do you see how cold it is? Do you want to sleep outside?

and absolutely. Christmas is cancelled until further notice.

A fiend of mine had a daughter like this. She was always late for a school. it was driving my friend to distraction. The school said to bring her in her pyjamas with her school clothes in a bag and they would get her changed there.

It took one time of her mum happily saying, it’s okay, don’t get dressed then, you can go to school in your nightclothes and putting her in the car in her pyjamas for her to stop it. I don’t she believed it would ever be followed through.