AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

I'd change their school. They'd probably get dressed more easily with a polo, sweatshirt and trousers. No primary kid needs a blazer and tie.

My mum used to tip cups of water on my brother to force him out of bed

I'd honestly take a couple of days holiday, dont get out of bed, dont say a word, and tell them you've been sacked due to their actions.
No job means no home, no luxuries and no Christmas.
Literally let them see how it would feel if u lost ur job due to their behaviour. If you've tried everything else then I dont see how anything else will hit home.
Good luck x

This. If you aren’t ready, off to school in pjs and deal with the consequences (peers and teachers)
they are doing it cos they can get away with it.
no wifi. No devices. No breakfast until you are dressed.

Could you change literally every clock in the house so they think it's later than it really is, ie they think they are making you late but actually they aren't.

School in pj’s

Agree with pp, just don't dress them. I remember a child being dropped to school in pyjamas a few years ago - she was never late again after that day!
I'd do that.

They are old enough now to understand consequences. I woukd definitely do something radical now, before they become teenagers, it will be too late at that point.

I did this once.

Note it only ever happened once and they then soon understood I really meant it.

A friend was having this issue with her youngest. She tried everything, points system to a treat worked for awhile and then when that novelty failed is was threat of going to school in her pjs.
The school were monitoring her lack of attendance and time keeping which eventually triggered social services and the family welfare officer.

Yes, there were days she was sent to school in pjs where she was sent to the school nurse to get dressed (missing breakfast club).

It finally came about she complained she was struggling to make friends, mainly because she was hardly there to make any!
She was sent to another school and things got better.

My friend lost her job, but since has been able to start a fresh with a job nearer the school.

If you cannot get through to them, then ask a family friend to intervene.

I dont think the going to school in pyjamas is easy with an 11 year old. You say they won't get up and dressed so you drag them out of bed, drag them downstairs, drag them out to the car with one probably running back in while you try to get the other one strapped in and then go through it at school. I think I'd probably have a coronary.

When one of mine was being awkward I did the killing with kindness approach. Got up a bit earlier and took her hot chocolate and toast to bed and sat and had a chat. Within the week she was up and dressed and happily coming downstairs for her hot chocolate and chat. Much less traumatic.

How does that work with a 9 and 11 year old if they refuse? Nursery school I can see it, key stage one perhaps but at 9 and 11 if they won't move how do you just get them to school in pyjamas.

They'd never take anything she said seriously again.

What happens if they go to sleep in school uniform?

Normal, happy, well-adjusted kids don’t just suddenly decide not to go to school. So what is going on here? There must be other factors at play beyond laziness, being difficult, not caring …

Would they care if you told their teacher? I’d be tempted to remove single privilege and toy from them. No screens. No fun, no puddings. They are putting your career at risk.
do they go to clubs? Cancelled until they can be unselfish and understand the impact of their behaviour.
they think they can walk all over you. You need to set them straight.

And unless you get to the root cause, you’re fighting a losing battle.
Sorry, OP.

I voted you were unreasonable because I don't think saying that one thing to two kids is going to work. Sitting them down, not in the morning, and talking about how it affects you every day and how it affects them in the long term- helping then understand their responsibilities, and yours.

I would make them go to bed in their uniform, I've seen lots of parents having to do that for other needs. Make sure that they have packed all their bags etc the night before, breakfast needs to be something to eat in the car. I'd also have a list or pictures of the steps needed with everything laid out ready. It could be overwhelm, it could be not bothered- this removes the i don't know. Be consistent with the morning routine.

Lastly, and I have had parents do this in Year 7, put them in the car in their pj's and drive them in. There was no shouting, just calm, clear instructions that the kids chose not to follow.

Discuss with the school, they should help with conversations, potentially counselling in school, referrals for what could build to school refusal.

You need support, it is so hard. Also consider gp for therapy for yourself to work through this, it is a lot!

@TheignT you physically pick them up/drag them to the car and get it done. and should SW then get involved so be it.
Gentle parenting nonsense.

Don't dress them drag them to school in their pj's exactly as they are and shove the uniform in their bags , the embarrassment might give them a kick up the arse . I'm totally with you telling them they're getting no Xmas presents because you will lose your job id also ask them where they think they will live when you have no home ?

This is the problem once anyone does anything and the consequences are small, there’s no deterrent. I see it in schools all the time, usually from year 4 onwards, they’re scared of the teacher to a certain degree until then and then they see (sometimes from another child) that even the worst behaviour is punished by a missed playtime - big deal! I would go even further than this tbh, I would be getting the EWO or head teacher to get involved and visit home. Explain to the children that the courts could become involved if their attendance becomes so low (and it will be you that is punished) I would unplug the WiFi, put away the screens etc and only let them have them on an evening if you made it to school on time. I have started to get a little of this from my son and I would carry him into the building if I had to. This is only my opinion of course and I’m sure many will disagree but unless you de-register them from school then they are required to attend and on time. Get school on board, request a meeting, tell them the truth so they know that you are trying, they might be able to out a reward in place if their attendance is excellent etc.

It’s not that easy. Most schools don’t have places
available and OP would have to take it all
the way to tribunal to get them to take them.

Yes , it's strange that it's suddenly both of them.

So the OP simultaneously picks up a reluctant 11 and 9 year old and carries them out to the car, gets them in and does up seat belts. Superwoman could but I think it's highly unlikely for most of us. Imagine the fun as she gets one in and turns to do the same with the second one as number one nips out and back to bed.

Once they are finally dressed are they then happy to go to school?