AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

No way would I be dressing them. I would lose my ever loving shit if my kids tried that.

I would be clear that they are putting me in a position where I might lose my job and so we need to have a safety net in case that happens. I couldn't possibly buy them anything for Christmas in that circumstance, so they would not be getting anything, and more than that I would be selling anything that was worth money of theirs beforehand. They have about 2 weeks before the end of term. If they made me late even once that would be it. They can leave with or without breakfast, with or without clothes on, but I would not be late. There is no second chance.

Honestly, OP, how have you let this go on for months?! There would be literally nothing but school clothes in their rooms by this time! You can't get ready in the week? Better practise at the weekend until you can do it on time every time.

honestly @TheignT you're overthinking here, child locks on so they can't "escape" be damned about the seat belts, the whole ordeal will trigger ss which isn't the end of the world as the op clearly needs help.
but yes it involves some brute force, one at a time if need be.

Why aren't they sleeping well? Are they exercising, eating well and minimal screens?

Get them a good night's sleep, strict routine. Healthy breakfast and take them in pyjamas if it comes to it.

I think contacting the school is a good idea. They’ll be able to offer support or point you in the right direction to get it and it shows you are attempting to deal with it and it’s not just that you can’t be arsed.

Also I generally lean towards a gentle parenting style but I wouldn’t be above a pot of cold water over them or sending them out with their pjs on and their uniform in their bag if nothing else is working. Sometimes mum losing the rag a bit is the natural consequence

Sorry but this is not a school issue. Schools have enough to deal with without having to manage situations like this which are beyond their control.

The school absolutely should be able to send op in the right direction to access support and they should be able to communicate and work with op to find out if there’s any factors within the school day such as bullying that might be causing the school refusal.

I disagree.

if op speaks to school she will get their support - that’s what schools are there for

surely if she is late to work she must be mage getting them to school

I disagree.

if op speaks to school she will get their support - that’s what schools are there for

surely if she is late to work she must be mage getting them to school

What are the school to do in getting them to attend? Is it not more a ss issue re sending family support workers in?

They’ve never not attended as I’ve been dressing them myself hence no need for SS involvement.

For anyone saying this isn’t a school issue - schools have attendance targets and want children to attend on time. In almost every school I’ve worked in they promote time keeping and reward children that arrive on time. It’s no skin off their nose to give a little prize at the end of the week if a child was on time each day. They also need to know because this is bordering on school refusal, they often have pastoral staff that can help get to the bottom of the problem (if there is one)

Not looking to argue with anyone but schools can absolutely try and help here.

i haven’t read the full thread apologies. But I’m in agreement with what I’ve read so far and that is to get some professional help. Sometimes issues like this are more than we have the capacity to solve.

maybe some sort of social care or child psychologist could help steer you towards a solution. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I hope you can find some help.

Clearly privileges need to be taken away. No phones, iPads etc after 8pm and only returned once they’ve dressed themselves for school. You gotta get strict. You’ve allowed this to happen by dressing them. It’s all a game to them now. They’re laughing at you and getting off on causing you stress. Where’s the father?

I think if it's previously been communicated to them that their behaviour impacts your ability to get to work on time, and therefore you've been sanctioned for that and therefore don't have the extra cash for gifts, then fine.

I think at their age, if you just tell them that there will be no gifts this year they won't connect it to the not getting up.

I'm saying this thinking this is daft, of course you've said this to them!

Honestly? I presume you've already imposed consequences like removing tech, stopping pocket money, cancelling treats/playdates?

Tonight, lie to them. Tell them you've lost your job because they made you late daily. Do a couple of days of scaring them with what life would be like with no money. Take away all tech and expensive toys, bikes, scooters, tell them it must be sold to pay bills. Tell them all hobbies are cancelled. Send them up to bed at 7pm and turn out the electric. Serve up some pretty basic unappetising. food. No snacks/puddings/nothimg to drink except water. No tv/netflix/disney.

They will probably be quite upset, but it sounds like they need a short sharp shock.

After two or three days (including a really, really shit weekend) tell them HR have given you one last chance but that if you are late again thats it.

Nope. It's not what schools are there for.

Schools are there to educate children.

Of course school will signpost and support if they can, but providing family support is not a schools primary function.

Where I work we have a family support worker and a pastoral TA who specifically works with children who need social and emotional support.
Schools do so much more than just educating these days.

I am not sure why people are leaping to SS as that is not what is needed but early help and talking to the school about the issues at home could prevent something in the long term.

The OP says it's been going on for months, is this since the new school year or was it happening before? Maybe there is something going on in the class and the child doesn't want to go. Younger sibling may be imitating the older one or they may also have something triggering them.
I don't think disciplining them is working and there is more to it. If it is that straightforward then maybe if they are being spoken to at school they would realise that their behaviour is dramatic and unnecessary, if there is more to it then support can be given.

I don't think people realise what TAs and wider support teams do in schools. There is a lot of help available if you ask for it and make it known, and it doesn't lead to social services as some are suggesting.

Hi @imsoverytired82
I haven't read the whole thread. I can't see the connection between not getting up and no Christmas? A consequence should be logical. This is a random punishment. And when Christmas has gone, what is your next "threat" for leverage, birthdays? I am saying this as a bigger picture comment and hope to help you with this perspective. I totally feel your frustration.

In practical terms, if they have gone to bed on time, maybe they need to go 30 mins earlier? And get them up 30 mins earlier to give you the chance of a little more time?

At their ages, have you talked to them calmly over why it is important they are up and on time (impact on your wellbeing and job)? No guilt trip, just calm facts eg "Did you know that my earnings pay for XYZ. I am worried that (insert here what your worry is) when you don't get up. It makes us all late". Brainstorm with them how you can all succeed. Explain with teddies if needs be but they are old enough to understand. Just make it brief so they don't zone out...

I would make an appointment to speak to their class teachers and discuss this whatever you do. You can say Mr/Mrs Class Teacher is waiting for you (perhaps you request that they could have a job/role to do at school that means they have to be there?)

I hope you have support here and that you can take from posts what helps. It is a lot in the mornings particularly when you are trying to get out of the house on time x

We’ve been there too - it is really frustrating! A friend recommended playful parenting (https://www.instagram.com/playfulheartparenting?igsh=MXFub3kwOWpsYmMyaA==) and my goodness it’s had a wonderful effect! The first time I did a silly voice and pretended the sock was going to eat his foot my son just stared at me like I was crazy… but now he LOVES getting dressed as we make it a fun game. And honestly it has made me a happier person too as we all laugh so much in the mornings!

Also to see if there is anything going on at school, you can try telling them stories of when you didn’t want to go to school when you were their age, because some people were mean to you / you felt conscious doing PE / you felt like you didn’t understand maths when everyone else did - or anything like that. It will hopefully make them feel safe to share if anything is going on and that you won’t tell them it’s silly. Mine usually take a few hours to process what I’ve said and then later will talk to me.

Also - ‘Natural consequences’, like people have suggested in going to school in their pjs have been researched to be more effective than ‘punishment consequences’ like cancelling Christmas… research shows these make the children worse and pull away from you more.

Oh another trick that works well for us is ‘find the yes’ so if they want to do something that isn’t dangerous, let them! Want to eat dinner in the bath - fine. Want to wear odd socks - fine. Want to wear yesterday’s clothes - fine! Then we save the no’s for things that really matter and they take them much better than they used to! Again I’m less stressed as I’m not worried about small things!

YANBU. They’re old enough to understand. You need to talk to them about what this will mean. You might loose house and have nowhere to live etc. They’ve got to go, and if it means going in their PJs then it’ll be embarrassing and they’ll probably get a detention but they should’ve got dressed when they had the chance!

I've always been honest with my kids about money. They know they can't get everything they want because I'm not rich. So in this instance, I absolutely would tell them that they are causing you to be late for work and your boss is very upset with you. If it happens again, you are going to lose your job and that means no money at all. For food, clothes, presents etc. Be brutal. They need to know the world isn't all sunshine and roses all the time.

Where I work we have a family support worker and a pastoral TA who specifically works with children who need social and emotional support.
Schools do so much more than just educating these days.

That's my point @Han86

That's, what, about £40k + on-costs of a school budget.

£40k + that isn't used to teach children.

Schools do, because no one else is. But that £40k+ should be being used to educate children.

What do they eat and when?

Can you avoid all carbs anywhere near bedtime, give them cheese chunks (real cheese, not sugary processed), or plain nuts if they are hungry within 2 hours of bedtime
Fill them with protein and good fats, basically. Then breakfast of decent toast and eggs rather than sugary cereal. All this to work out if their behaviour is because of sugar highs and lows, and whether sugar is disrupting their ability to get to sleep.

I do hope the OP comes back and let's us know if she is physically able to wrestle a 9 and 11 year old out of the house, into the car and into school. I don't think I'm overthinking, you maybe haven't thought it through.

If that is what happens how do you think it goes when they are saying 14 and 16? You might think you are strong enough to win by force, you won't always be so you need a method that works long term.

I’m not going to physically carry them there’s 2 of them.