MIL that invites herself to everything

[Charboo]

This has happend pretty much every time there has been an event at my kids school since they started they have been at this lovely small school for just over a year now. When my DS is now 5 was at private day nursery I used to send pictures of what he was up to and send to my MIL as she liked them and to see what he was upto. However since starting this school they had an app on your phone which I thought was just pictures updating what your child's been doing so I told mil about the app and said I could add her so she could see all the pictures of her grandchildren, stupidly didn't know that it would reveal all the event dates of Christmas fairs, Christingle at the church, celebration assembly, sports days ect and now every time one is announced my mil just invites herself and she's coming to all of Christmas event in the space of three days this week and more the final week when it's hectic. I feel quite annoyed by this as she has done this previously I always get a text saying "I'm coming to sports day", "I'm coming to assembly and I'm bringing so so with me( DH sister) I have made quite a few good friends at the school and I rather have a chat with them then feel like I'm babysitting last year when she insisted on coming to the church with with school, I ended up having to sit with her right at the back in the corner and I wanted to sit with my friends. There's a christingle service tomorrow and I would of looked forward to it, but it has been tainted as she's coming and she lives 40 mins away and the service is only 45 mins and I will be taking the kids home, also she never ever stops talking. I just wish she back off a little bit but then I question my self and think I'm being harsh I don't want to be like that but same time I feel like she's bit overbearing I can't talk to DH because he would feel hurt she's his DM. I just needed to vent as I have no one to really talk to about this situation.

Why not go round peoples houses or have them come to you for play dates or whatever and dont tell her. That way you get to see your friends. Or as some suggested if something is coming up just change your password.

Honestly? I think this is a couple of issues. If I were running a school, I’d be a bit annoyed if the details of the parents / guardians app were given out to wider family members. If she is using your log in, change the password.

Secondly, turn up early to events and sit near the front. Someone upthread said to save her a seat - ARGH!!! It may be that there are school events where holding seats for others is okay but quite a few of the ones I went to were fairly sharp elbowed. It was a real heart sink moment whenever anyone said “Save me a seat!” because it was so embarrassing to have people keep coming up to ask if anyone was sitting there.

I don't understand why you don't just say fantastic I'm going too, I'll see you there.

I wouldn't feel the need to search her out and sit with her, she is a grown up!

And it's great she's going so you don't have to attend everything.

Does one instantly become persona non grata when MIL status arrives?

If you constantly invite yourself to things rather than being asked to come I’d hazard a yes.

Id hazard this isn’t the only way mil over steps.

Remove her from the app!

Wow. What I would have given to have my MIL wanting to be involved in my kids’ lives. Or my own parents.

If you constantly invite yourself to things rather than being asked to come I’d hazard a yes.

The MIL did not do this!! The OP put her on the app voluntarily! If she had told her that although she was on the app and reading what was going on she did not wish her to turn up to anything then the MIL would have known what the form was!

And the assumption that because MIL comes along to support her GC she must by definition be "overstepping" in other ways is just nuts!

Op added her to view the photos. Not as a here’s his school diary. She shouldn’t have to say don’t come. Mil should ask to come or wait to be invited.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous OP. Kids are only small for a few years and she's doing absolutely no harm. I'd be utterly delighted if I had a lovely MIL who wanted to be involved in my kids lives.

I feel the same - i would love the grandparents to be interested in the day to day and really get to know my son

My oldest is in year 3 and my in laws have never, not once, turned up to anything. It's my youngest's nativity tomorrow, they are doing it twice and I'm immensely grateful to my mum that she's doing the 2 hour drive to turn up to both as DH and I can't make it. I'll take a slightly overbearing but interested grandparent over a disinterested one every time.

I really don't see what the problem is tbh. If she's turning up so frequently surely she will develop relationships of her own within the school and you're actually under no obligation to sit with her? Just say hi, then go sit with your friends.

Grandma of one here. I wait to be asked and follow what the couple want as far as involvement goes. Have never declined , but if they want me there they will ask. I end up going to half the events and would fill in if the parents were ill or tied up with work. But they can plan shifts ahead as nhs. Mil has had her day and should not impose without being asked. I have my own life, friends and close family. Do not want to appear needy

Most if they wouldn’t be okay with it. It’s just become really normal on here to find a way to make everything the posters fault. It’s so weird.

I’m shocked at how many people see no problem with someone anyone just constantly inviting themselves to events they are not actually invited to....... but that is not the case here! OP invited her onto an app that contains invitations to school events - so, surprise surprise, she comes to them!

YABU. It’s nice she cares and is interested. You should speak to her about talking though - that’s not ok in plays and church services.

YABU but only because you haven’t changed your password. Kick her off the app and start telling her when there is an event you are ok with her attending. “Sports day is on Friday. I’m going with some of the mums but I’ll probably see you there if you want to come”

You have the power, use it.

Well, I can understand it’s quite tough for you, but this is about your child’s relationship with their grandmother.

Although I had a grandmother living locally, I rarely saw her because she (maybe) couldn’t be bothered and because my mum didn’t encourage any relationship between us. She was my only living grandparent too so I missed out on that whole extended family thing (I had aunts and uncles too that I barely saw).

It’s up to the adults to facilitate family relationships not act as a barrier because they can’t sit with their mates.

The post referred to the DIL going to school events and not wanting the MIL there. No mention of Daddy going to these. She's the grandmother and clearly loves and is proud of her grandchild. There is the relationship between the child and grandmother here, which is clearly dear to the MIL. If the DIL felt that strongly she should ask Daddy to go along with MIL to these events. I would not mess with my child's/grandparents' relationships, they can be precious memories for that child when the grandparent inevitably leaves their lives.

An overbearing MIL from hell is not a gift a for anyone, terrible example for the children.

Not only she doesn't belong there - I don't know any school where large groups of people are welcome, there's never enough space (maybe different for sports day, true), and a MIL arriving with a guest is taking the spot of an actual parent. Not on.

Worst, it's the OP who has to babysit her, the MIL doesn't stop talking, and I ended up having to sit with her right at the back in the corner is a general nuisance.

She doesn't sound like a nasty person, no one is saying that, but she needs to butt out and leave the OP alone! That's what I mean by sticking with her son. And if the son is not there, then she can still leave the OP alone. If she's coming to see the children, she doesn't need babysitting and imposing on their mother, does she?

In real life, it's REALLY important to make connections with other parents - impact on the kids social life, impact on your childcare network, impact on tips and recommendation. MIL is preventing the OP from building a network, it's not acceptable.

Jesus wept. Read your post back and have a word with yourself.

@Bluedenimdoglover the OP says her DH is at work

If your husband won’t speak up then change your password on the app and say you can’t access it either for a bit and obviously don’t share photos specifically from the app (as then she knows you can still access). Make this huge deal that you are chasing it up for a few days (so that buys some time). Just keep saying, not sure what’s up with it all. Then in a few weeks say what a huge issue this blew out to be, and they told you that security was compromised as they noted different phones accessing the data. Because it is children’s photos and such they only allow parental access going forward. Make sure your DH doesn’t screw this story up along the way.

I would find her appearing at all the events and then expecting you to sit with her, extremely tiresome. This will go on for years if you don’t do something now.

My parents never bothered their arse with my stuff or my kids. How lovely your MIL gives a shit.

You are very lucky she is so interested in your kids lives.