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Original poster

MIL that invites herself to everything

190 replies

Charboo · 08/12/2025 23:22

This has happend pretty much every time there has been an event at my kids school since they started they have been at this lovely small school for just over a year now. When my DS is now 5 was at private day nursery I used to send pictures of what he was up to and send to my MIL as she liked them and to see what he was upto. However since starting this school they had an app on your phone which I thought was just pictures updating what your child's been doing so I told mil about the app and said I could add her so she could see all the pictures of her grandchildren, stupidly didn't know that it would reveal all the event dates of Christmas fairs, Christingle at the church, celebration assembly, sports days ect and now every time one is announced my mil just invites herself and she's coming to all of Christmas event in the space of three days this week and more the final week when it's hectic. I feel quite annoyed by this as she has done this previously I always get a text saying "I'm coming to sports day", "I'm coming to assembly and I'm bringing so so with me( DH sister) I have made quite a few good friends at the school and I rather have a chat with them then feel like I'm babysitting last year when she insisted on coming to the church with with school, I ended up having to sit with her right at the back in the corner and I wanted to sit with my friends. There's a christingle service tomorrow and I would of looked forward to it, but it has been tainted as she's coming and she lives 40 mins away and the service is only 45 mins and I will be taking the kids home, also she never ever stops talking. I just wish she back off a little bit but then I question my self and think I'm being harsh I don't want to be like that but same time I feel like she's bit overbearing I can't talk to DH because he would feel hurt she's his DM. I just needed to vent as I have no one to really talk to about this situation.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 10:32

Should you have given details of the app to her, or is it just like a school website?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/12/2025 10:34

My opinion is probably coloured by the fact that I sat alone at every single school event my kids did. XH was at work (and wouldn't have taken a single second off even if one of the kids was being awarded a Nobel Prize), parents and In laws all lived too far away and, as it was a small village school, every other mum was sitting with her entire family.

Let your MIL come, but select the events. Tell her that numbers are limited and school are keeping it to parents only for some things. But let her come to others, even if she sits at the back. She doesn't need to attend every single open assembly but Christmas plays and sports day, where there's a general crowd anyway, why not?

I used to feel so utterly lonely sitting by myself in the middle of crowds of families. It's left me a wee bit traumatised now when I have to go to 'family' events!

bingocard · 09/12/2025 10:37

Christ I actively send my mum to all the school things I can't do - lessens the working mum guilt !

sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 10:47

@bingocard but OP appears to be able to go to these events and probably has her 'group of friends she socialises with, she doesn't need her overbearing MIL to keep her company or go in her stead

All GPs lived too far away to attend events regularly, but we sometimes arranged for a set to come and stay with us when a particular event was on so they could come too. But many school events had limited tickets

BettysRoasties · 09/12/2025 10:50

Boot her off the app.

Blame the school is you want say it’s an app for the parents or their legal guardians only for safeguarding.

Then just Invite her to things every so often.

Frenzi · 09/12/2025 10:59

Let home come - I think its lovely that she wants to be so involved.

But, sit with who you want to sit with.

JudgeJ · 09/12/2025 11:08

canklesmctacotits · 09/12/2025 00:30

Well, OP, I must be as uncharitable as you because this would have pissed me off majorly. It’s one thing inviting them to this or that thing - but everything? Whether or not you’re going? Without an invitation or coordination - just telling you she will be there? Nah, it’s too much.

When my DC were little our school had a grandparents’ day (because so many grandparents were paying their GDC fees!) and it was lovely. The children rehearsed songs and dances specifically and displayed the year’s artwork, science projects etc. Parents were NFI, and to this day it remains something between my DC and my PILs. It’s lovely they have that to themselves. We always invited them to piano recitals, always to graduations (in fact, I don’t care for graduations so they went with DH and had a great time!). I would have hated them being there for every single thing. I wouldn’t have wanted all my young childhood memories being shared memories with my PILs. They encroach too much as it is, cherry picking the best bits. I would never have shared the app.

Is paying the school fees 'cherry picking the best bits'?

JudgeJ · 09/12/2025 11:12

bingocard · 09/12/2025 10:37

Christ I actively send my mum to all the school things I can't do - lessens the working mum guilt !

Being teachers, and hence not able to get random days off work, we rarely saw our girls' performances, one even had her awards ceremony during the day and my mother went, otherwise there would be no-one there for her. One of my favourite photos is of eldest on her graduation day with her two grandmothers, a month later one of them had died suddenly.

canklesmctacotits · 09/12/2025 11:43

JudgeJ · 09/12/2025 11:08

Is paying the school fees 'cherry picking the best bits'?

Show quote history

My PILs didn’t contribute a penny to school fees - I was explaining why the school holds a Grandparents’ Day. They didn’t exist in my day. My own parents paid for extra-curricular activities but never saw any of the recitals / shows / trophy ceremonies as they live on the other side of the world.

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 12:09

How is the mil being overbearing? She hasn't said to the OP, you have to sit with me.
I think you're being extremely oversensitive and would these issues come up if it was your mum going to all these events? What harm is she doing? Ridiculous.

BellaBal · 09/12/2025 12:25

Just say in reply “Oh dc will be happy to see you in the audience again! This time I’m meeting up with my mum friends as planned to sit together for this event, I hope you don’t mind. I will catch you at the end so I can say hello-goodbye before you head home!”

sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 12:31

@Diarygirlqueen it's pretty overbearing just to announce you are going to these events, most GPs would wait to be asked if they would like to come or ask if it was okay.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 12:35

Charboo · 08/12/2025 23:22

This has happend pretty much every time there has been an event at my kids school since they started they have been at this lovely small school for just over a year now. When my DS is now 5 was at private day nursery I used to send pictures of what he was up to and send to my MIL as she liked them and to see what he was upto. However since starting this school they had an app on your phone which I thought was just pictures updating what your child's been doing so I told mil about the app and said I could add her so she could see all the pictures of her grandchildren, stupidly didn't know that it would reveal all the event dates of Christmas fairs, Christingle at the church, celebration assembly, sports days ect and now every time one is announced my mil just invites herself and she's coming to all of Christmas event in the space of three days this week and more the final week when it's hectic. I feel quite annoyed by this as she has done this previously I always get a text saying "I'm coming to sports day", "I'm coming to assembly and I'm bringing so so with me( DH sister) I have made quite a few good friends at the school and I rather have a chat with them then feel like I'm babysitting last year when she insisted on coming to the church with with school, I ended up having to sit with her right at the back in the corner and I wanted to sit with my friends. There's a christingle service tomorrow and I would of looked forward to it, but it has been tainted as she's coming and she lives 40 mins away and the service is only 45 mins and I will be taking the kids home, also she never ever stops talking. I just wish she back off a little bit but then I question my self and think I'm being harsh I don't want to be like that but same time I feel like she's bit overbearing I can't talk to DH because he would feel hurt she's his DM. I just needed to vent as I have no one to really talk to about this situation.

Just ask the school to remove her or change the password yourself.

Tell her the school reviewed it's security policies and only parents now then give her your best dailymail sad face.

Justchillinhere · 09/12/2025 12:41

I think your children are lucky that not only mum comes but Granny also, you can sit where you like.

whitewinefriday · 09/12/2025 12:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, I wouldn't it either, but you need your DH onside for this (assuming he's going to be the one who broaches the subject)?

Monty34 · 09/12/2025 13:07

It sounds rather claustrophobic. To have her turn up to all and sundry.

I think what changes things is that she just announces she is coming. Not to ask is it okay if I can come along? And not to every activity.
I wonder if the app will ever update of if you can amend it at all ?

As to her rabbiting on. Not a lot you can do about that.

tootyflooty · 09/12/2025 13:23

As a grandparent to a 16 mth old, I can't wait to see all the school productions and sports days, and as long as I am openly invited by my son and dil I will be there. Fortunately I am very close to my adult DC, and on some occasions when we have been invited to something, I always say to them that they shouldn't feel they have to invite us to everything, but they are insistent that they started their family now to hopefully mean both sets of grandparents can be actively involved, I am so grateful for this. But I in no way would just be showing up uninvited, so whilst I don't feel you are being unreasonable, it does make me as a grandparent feel a little sad, as the love for a grandchild is so wonderful, and surely the more loving people in your childs life the better. If you feel comfortable could you just mention that you are sitting with your friends, but she is free to sit wherever she likes, so your dc can see several friendly faces in the audience, or suggest she attends on a different day if there are multiple performances.

InSpainTheRain · 09/12/2025 13:49

Whose login is she using? If it's yours then change your password. But even if she does come to the events I don't see the problem - it's a school event just sit with whoever you want to sit with! "Hi MIL, catch you afterwards, enjoy!" then go and do whatever you want to. It's important to make friends at school for your kids so it's not unreasonable at all.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2025 14:08

In what way does an enthusiastic grandmother wanting to enjoy her grandchild's Christmas events leave that event tainted?

Dial down the drama, I doubt she's the bad fairy at the christening.

Plenty of posters here complain about uninterested grandparents generally absent from their grandchildren's lives.

Sit with your friends.

If you know seating numbers are limited for one thing, let her know in advance and suggest she maybe come along to the carol concert instead. For example.

WalkDontWalk · 09/12/2025 14:24

You don't have a MiL problem. You have a you problem.

MaplePumpkin · 09/12/2025 14:38

This would annoy me too! Like you say, once every now and then is nice, but every single one? No thanks.
One thing I’m not clear about though, is how you end up sitting with her and not your friends. Does she come to your house first and walk over with you, making it harder to separate from her? Or does she just meet you there? I’d just go and sit with my friends if I were you and if she comes to join you, make her feel welcome but still turn and chat to your friends when you want.

Calliopespa · 09/12/2025 14:56

WalkDontWalk · 09/12/2025 14:24

You don't have a MiL problem. You have a you problem.

😂
Bullseye!

Honestly op, you can sit with your friends if you really want to - and it's fine if you do - but how does MIL being there make a difference? Can't she even just sit with you and your friends? I mean you aren't all 13 and trying to look independent.

Also, could you arrange a coffee or similar afterwards to "hang out" with the friends? Or even another day?

verybighouseinthecountry · 09/12/2025 14:59

It must be awful to have a grandparent and extended family that is so keen to attend events that their dgc is participating in.

Duckyfondant · 09/12/2025 16:43

You can't just invite yourself to a school event when it's not your child. What a wally she sounds. Definitely revoke app access

Fontet · 09/12/2025 16:56

You maybe a mother in law yourself some time in the future. Fingers crossed you will be invited to things and feel loved and involved. Important x