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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL that invites herself to everything

190 replies

Charboo · 08/12/2025 23:22

This has happend pretty much every time there has been an event at my kids school since they started they have been at this lovely small school for just over a year now. When my DS is now 5 was at private day nursery I used to send pictures of what he was up to and send to my MIL as she liked them and to see what he was upto. However since starting this school they had an app on your phone which I thought was just pictures updating what your child's been doing so I told mil about the app and said I could add her so she could see all the pictures of her grandchildren, stupidly didn't know that it would reveal all the event dates of Christmas fairs, Christingle at the church, celebration assembly, sports days ect and now every time one is announced my mil just invites herself and she's coming to all of Christmas event in the space of three days this week and more the final week when it's hectic. I feel quite annoyed by this as she has done this previously I always get a text saying "I'm coming to sports day", "I'm coming to assembly and I'm bringing so so with me( DH sister) I have made quite a few good friends at the school and I rather have a chat with them then feel like I'm babysitting last year when she insisted on coming to the church with with school, I ended up having to sit with her right at the back in the corner and I wanted to sit with my friends. There's a christingle service tomorrow and I would of looked forward to it, but it has been tainted as she's coming and she lives 40 mins away and the service is only 45 mins and I will be taking the kids home, also she never ever stops talking. I just wish she back off a little bit but then I question my self and think I'm being harsh I don't want to be like that but same time I feel like she's bit overbearing I can't talk to DH because he would feel hurt she's his DM. I just needed to vent as I have no one to really talk to about this situation.

OP posts:

EINSEINSNULL · 09/12/2025 06:17

Tourmalines · 09/12/2025 01:46

It’s not the family life they are against , it’s the MIL . If it’s their own mothers they are different.

Show quote history

Summed up perfectly.

MakeItToTheMoon · 09/12/2025 06:21

II totally understand how you feel OP, this would wind me up. It’s one thing having a good relationship with your MIL and inviting her to events that you want her to be involved in. But every single event is tiring, and yes of course you want to socialise with the friends you have made rather than be obliged to sit with her for the whole event.

Your MIL is really cheeky inviting herself. It’s overbearing and you really need to speak to your husband.

Ignore previous posters that have made out you are mean, but it’s the opposite, you’re being too nice! She’s coming to every single event, not just one or two events in the year.

Walkerzoo · 09/12/2025 06:22

Y kids love it when their grandad comes. It is the only grandparent they have.
Lots come to the school and none of the parents seem tied to them. Sit where you want.

CrowMate · 09/12/2025 06:23

I’d tell her that it’s lovely to see her at things, but that’s it’s important for you to build and have relationships with the other parents, both for you and your DS and at some things you need to focus more on these.

It’s nice that she wants to come to things, but to invite herself to everything is an overstep. You are in no way being unreasonable to feel this. We love my DM and MIL, but wouldn’t want them at everything. We enjoy some time just us and with other parents.

CarlaLemarchant · 09/12/2025 06:26

You’re getting some harsh replies. I understand it’s getting a bit much. She will have had all of these experiences with her own kids and now she’s kind of gatecrashing yours aswell no matter how nice her intentions.

You’ve got 3 choices. Continue as it is but just don’t babysit her at the events.
Have an awkward conversation with her.
Remove her access to the app/force a log out/change password etc. Make an effort to share the photos and some of the events but keep some back.

To be honest though, one of my school mum friends always had her mum in tow. It never bothered me, she was very nice and they weren’t joined at the hip.

Han86 · 09/12/2025 06:27

Wow does the school allow so many people to attend? My school has a 2 ticket limit for any indoor event as it was getting out of hand with so many people turning up as some people would invite wider family, which then made other people have to stand which became a H&S risk. By giving 2 tickets per event it usually limits numbers (although I recently went to something where people clearly ignored this limit and decided children of any age did not count so turned up with mum, dad and teens which then meant people had to stand as it wasn't expected to have so many extras).

Gremlins101 · 09/12/2025 06:38

I'd sit with both my friends and my MIL/mum. What's so bad about that?

Look i dont adore my MIL so I totally get the annoyance. But I also think its nice for the kids to have their granny there and its lovely that she wants to come. Family comes first.

springintoaction2 · 09/12/2025 06:39

Indianajet · 08/12/2025 23:32

I have been to .most of the events at my grandchildren school over the years - invited by my family. This is normal for most families I know - I think you are being unreasonable.

This

Is she that awful?

I liked my MIL coming to the Nativity/school play or whatever it was. The kids did too. Always feel a bit sad at Christmas as she died some years ago.

Try appreciating people when you have them - even if they're imperfect.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/12/2025 06:44

You have my sympathy, it’s going to be a bit of a bugger to alter this without really hurting her feelings. I don’t see how you can. I know that’s no help to you. I just wanted to say I get it because you’ve had so much criticism.

Sure, it’s nice for extended family to attend some school events but watching the event with them is going to be different than sitting with mum friends. In that situation the friends are likely to feel more familiar because they are equally involved and more fun because you will be enjoying each other’s children.

Good luck

InLawAgain · 09/12/2025 06:47

Indianajet · 08/12/2025 23:32

I have been to .most of the events at my grandchildren school over the years - invited by my family. This is normal for most families I know - I think you are being unreasonable.

Sounds like the OPs MIL invites herself. That isn't okay or normal behaviour

BogusBargins · 09/12/2025 06:55

This Is a tricky one. Initially I was thinking how mean, but then I like my MIL (who is a wonderful person) but thinking back to my Ex-MIL (who is a mean and spiteful person) I actually would have hated this and felt like she was stealing memories from me by intruding.

Even with the above, having people show up for you as a child is amazing and makes you feel worthy and loved, so as much as she’s stealing from you, I know you wouldn’t want to steal from them.

ComfortFoodCafe · 09/12/2025 06:56

I would tell mil the school have complained about to many people turning up to these events that arent direct family/care givers and tell her she needs to cut down on coming to them. Little white lie never hurt anyone!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 09/12/2025 07:06

She obviously loves the kids.
Try sitting away from her, she really won’t mind.

It must be sad when you no longer have children at home. These events, being around children must feel like medicine for her. Well done on not venting to your husband.

Remind yourself that one day you will be in her shoes. That's what I say to myself when I feel my MIL is being pushy. She just misses family life.x

saraclara · 09/12/2025 07:10

ComfortFoodCafe · 09/12/2025 06:56

That's not a white lie. It's a great big blatant lie.

DoleWhipDiva · 09/12/2025 07:15

i don't think YABU. it's lovely to have grandparents at some school events but they should wait to be invited by you as it does change the dynamic. i make sure to invite my mum and MIL to certain events (sports day, concerts) but i would not want them at everything for various reasons. it's having the app that is causing this issue as they have clearly take having info about events as an open invite. you are the parents, you should invite them as apporopriate. they don't have an open invite to all school events - this is your motherhood not theirs and you are entitled to have some events that they are not at.

i think your DH needs to have a chat and explain while you are very happy to have them come to some events they should check first etc.

and i say all this as someone very close to their family who's recognised the importance, blessing and help of having grandparents closely involved in our family life.

EatMoreChocolate44 · 09/12/2025 07:19

My MIL & FIL go to all the school events but we invite them. They want to see their grandkids and our children love having them there to watch their performance, assembly, PE etc. Your kids probably love having their Granny there.

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/12/2025 07:33

I think it's fine for her to come but you shouldn't feel like you have to babysit and you need to be clear that you will be there but you busy doing mum stuff. The not feeling like your allowed to do what you need to do and instead have to babysit would piss me off too.

Orchid2025 · 09/12/2025 07:55

Obviously by giving MIL the app and access to all the events, she has seen that as an open invitation.

2021x · 09/12/2025 08:00

You just dont like her, and that is completely fine.

After you have dealt with the fact this is now a fixture in your life, you can stop and have a brief chat and then say I told so and so that I would sit with them.. see you after the service.

SkippingAdverts · 09/12/2025 08:02

Sit with your friends. I would find this irritating as hell. She should only come if invited by you two.

SaySomethingMan · 09/12/2025 08:07

You’ll find that a lot of people advising you to stop her don’t have the opportunity of an interested granny.
You’re being childish. I don’t know how this stops you from making friends at the kids’ school. As pp said, save her a seat next to you and your friends, or sit with your friends away from them.
It’s not that big a deal.

I used to have a lovely friend come to see my children’s play like an adopted granny. It made those moments extra special. Really blessed she did that

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 09/12/2025 08:07

I like it. My MIL is so focused on her grandson (SIL’s son) she doesn’t bother with our daughter.
My parents go to all the events that they can go too for my daughter and niece. Sometimes if we’re stuck at work they go instead of us!
I remember vividly my nanna and grandad coming to the school assemblies etc I loved it!
My grandparents on my dads side again were preoccupied with my cousins (dads sisters children) they didn’t come and see me and my sister.
I am going to my nieces school show on Thursday (so I must be overstepping, even though my niece has asked me to go!)

You sound quite childish OP. You can sit with who you want.

Craftysue · 09/12/2025 08:12

It wouldn't bother me, my mum was still working when my kids were little and mum in law lived a long way away but it's bothering you. Can't you sit with mum in law and your friends?

Noshowlomo · 09/12/2025 08:13

Does she expect lifts to and from the events? Regardless, every event would bug me too

Chiefangel · 09/12/2025 08:17

Obviously you really don’t like the poor woman. My mil never came to anything at all ever at my childrens’ school. Never showed one bit of interest.
I can’t wait to attend grandchildren events in the future.
Just tell her you want to sit with your own friends if you’re that precious about it. For what’s it’s worth as well, my own mum came to everything, would you feel differently if your mum was the one coming along to everything?

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