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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL that invites herself to everything

190 replies

Charboo · 08/12/2025 23:22

This has happend pretty much every time there has been an event at my kids school since they started they have been at this lovely small school for just over a year now. When my DS is now 5 was at private day nursery I used to send pictures of what he was up to and send to my MIL as she liked them and to see what he was upto. However since starting this school they had an app on your phone which I thought was just pictures updating what your child's been doing so I told mil about the app and said I could add her so she could see all the pictures of her grandchildren, stupidly didn't know that it would reveal all the event dates of Christmas fairs, Christingle at the church, celebration assembly, sports days ect and now every time one is announced my mil just invites herself and she's coming to all of Christmas event in the space of three days this week and more the final week when it's hectic. I feel quite annoyed by this as she has done this previously I always get a text saying "I'm coming to sports day", "I'm coming to assembly and I'm bringing so so with me( DH sister) I have made quite a few good friends at the school and I rather have a chat with them then feel like I'm babysitting last year when she insisted on coming to the church with with school, I ended up having to sit with her right at the back in the corner and I wanted to sit with my friends. There's a christingle service tomorrow and I would of looked forward to it, but it has been tainted as she's coming and she lives 40 mins away and the service is only 45 mins and I will be taking the kids home, also she never ever stops talking. I just wish she back off a little bit but then I question my self and think I'm being harsh I don't want to be like that but same time I feel like she's bit overbearing I can't talk to DH because he would feel hurt she's his DM. I just needed to vent as I have no one to really talk to about this situation.

OP posts:
ChristmasinBrighton · 09/12/2025 08:18

I think you sound rather unkind.

myhaggisblewup · 09/12/2025 09:05

Have your bundaries [great buzz word on MN] sit with your friends, wave to mil and have a chat when you get a chance.
Mil obviously loves the kids and wants to be involved. You say she lives 40 minutes away, she's not rocking up at your door with suitcases unanounced and staying for a week at a time.
OP A,B, C and others on here are likely to be mil in the future, Be mindful not to want to be involved too much with gc, take your own advice and stand right back, because if you don't your own dil will be on here moaning about YOU.

Sturmundcalm · 09/12/2025 09:08

I voted YANBU but I think you need to find the middle ground.

Take a breath and work out which events you would have invited her to and arrange to co-ordinate finding her/sitting with her. Then make it clear for the other events that it's nice she can attend but you've arranged to catch up with friends/sit with specific parents/whatever and leave her to sort herself.

GeorgeEdwardsMum · 09/12/2025 09:10

Does DC like granny being there?

Kingsleadhat · 09/12/2025 09:13

She might think because you included her on the app that you wanted her to go to these events. I think it's really nice that she wants to do it. My daughter invites me to all of grandson's school things and I will go whenever I can make it even though actually I find them mostly a bit boring but I love him and want to support and encourage him. She's probably doing the same

Gall10 · 09/12/2025 09:14

CombatBarbie · 08/12/2025 23:31

Presumably shes using your login? Change the password??

This! I find it rather odd that someone who isn’t the child’s parent/guardian can access school photos…does this mean any random person can join the group? I’d be questioning this with the school governors.

Leopardspota · 09/12/2025 09:16

Can’t you just say ‘great I’m sure DS will love to see you, I’ve already arranged to sit with Sam and Josie, so I might see you at the end!’

sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 09:27

@Charboo I was going to suggest exactly what Leopardspota said. I think it would be different if you had invited her but inviting herself doesn't mean you have to entertain her all the time, especially if she is overbearing.

Where is DH in all of this?

OhDonuts · 09/12/2025 09:28

I think she sounds suffocating. I have an extended family member who I’m estranged from (not a grandparent) who is like this, and takes delight in turning up to things she’s not invited to.

I think the key thing here is she’s not being invited by you, she is inviting herself. It’s very boundary crossing. In situations like this you end up feeling like she’s an extra parent in the mix. There is a big difference between inviting someone along and them feeling entitled to invite themselves.

As you obviously seem to get along with her fine aside if this (I assume that by you giving her access to the app and photos etc) I think you are going to have to tolerate it because you have made the rod for your own back. If you want to sit with your friends though, you should do that. Your MIL can choose to either join you or sit alone.

TheTaupeScroller · 09/12/2025 09:28

If you can kick her out of the app, just do that.

If not, don't be daft. Smile and wave at her, and stick with your friends. Just be firm if she tries to intrude, but in a pleasant way: oh do rush to find a seat, they're getting busy fast, we have kept this for friend, we don't want to hold you, see you after.

Be smiley, but very firm and play as stupid as needed.

You are not her babysitter, she's intruding and very rude not to ask if it's ok - many schools do not allow unlimited family members - they take the space of genuine parents who should have priority to see their own kids!

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 09/12/2025 09:37

I remember the thrill of doing a school play or other school performance and standing nervously in the wings looking out nervous about my performance and worried my parents might be late, and then there they were and my grandparents too! Oh what a joy. Suddenly I felt brave and elated and ready to go on. Because there was my safety net, my support, my family.

Yes, I can see it might be a bit of a pain. But, to be frank, this isn’t about you. It’s not about social opportunities with your school mums’ brigade, it’s about your children.

So really the question is, do they like her coming? If so, you just need to suck it up.

coolwolf34 · 09/12/2025 09:47

Change the password and say the school have reviewed the allowances on the app for safety to one/two logins per child! Frankly I’m surprised the school allow multiple logins to begin with! Problem solved

ekk100 · 09/12/2025 09:55

Both my parents worked shifts, so my grandparents came to a lot of school things in their place. Somebody made a strange comment to me once, turned out a smaller child had got confused and told her family my parents were dead 🤣.

Original poster
Charboo · 09/12/2025 09:59

Thanks everyone your replies. My daughter who is 10 I don't think is bothered if she comes and she doesn't that's her age at the min she doesn't want do sleepovers as she thinks it's boring at Grandma's and grandads house now...but my son might like to see her my son might get a surprise so I can see people point there. I would invite her to an event, but just not every single one and when there's three events coming up in space of a week I think it's abit much, when there was a summer fair she told me and my husband that had been there for all of 5 minutes..."you can get yourselves off now, I can always drop the kids off on way home" which I said it's ok we want to stop and see my daughter hosting her games ect I felt like she was pushing us out.

OP posts:
whiteblossoms · 09/12/2025 10:09

I think it’s lovely for a grandparent to be so involved and your son will have lots of happy memories of his Gran making the effort to see him in school events. She will probably ease off a bit once the novelty wears off and the years go by.

I’m sure you can still chat to school mums and introduce them to your MIL or just let her know you’ll be sitting elsewhere but see her afterwards.

Starlight1984 · 09/12/2025 10:12

Vaxtable · 09/12/2025 00:29

Just remove her from the app. Say it’s for parents only

Nice.

AreYouBrandNew · 09/12/2025 10:13

YANBU I wouldn’t be wanting to accommodate for her every time either. My DM moved close to us and came to a couple of school events and I found it tricky to look after her plus kids didn’t really notice. This time of year she’d rather do an event specifically with them eg light trail

I’d try and get her off the app (maybe for say school have said it’s only for parents/carers for safeguarding reasons) then say I’ll invite you/get you in to the events that are for extended family.

for events this week can you message her for x event we are going to event from friends house - she should go ahead and get a good seat, don’t wait for us etc

or can DH meet and sit with her and you join your friends? Where is he in this situation?

Calliopespa · 09/12/2025 10:14

sprigatito · 09/12/2025 00:17

That’s made me a bit tearful…what a lucky kid ❤️

Show quote history

It was a really lovely story and the loveliest bit was actually that they were so moved but DS was ... a donkey!

Puts everything right where it should be perspective-wise and I'm going to try to remember that story as I navigate Christmas this year! What matters is not having everything perfect but being there for each other.

JudgeBread · 09/12/2025 10:17

Christ I'm glad some of you miserable sods weren't my mam. Some of my fondest memories from childhood were being able to have my grandparents at all my special events.

All this ridiculous talk of lying to her and making up stories about why she can't access the app because the OP hasn't got the spine to say "I'll be sitting with my friends over here MIL" and just doing that.

sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 10:18

I would have thought the app is only for parents

AvocadoJam · 09/12/2025 10:18

Let her enjoy her grandchild. Life is too short

Seeline · 09/12/2025 10:19

I'm amazed that the app is available to anyone other than parents!
If it's got photos of the children etc, it should really only be accessible by parents.
Tell her the rules have changed and delete the app.
Then ask her along to a selection of events only.

Original poster
Charboo · 09/12/2025 10:27

AreYouBrandNew · 09/12/2025 10:13

YANBU I wouldn’t be wanting to accommodate for her every time either. My DM moved close to us and came to a couple of school events and I found it tricky to look after her plus kids didn’t really notice. This time of year she’d rather do an event specifically with them eg light trail

I’d try and get her off the app (maybe for say school have said it’s only for parents/carers for safeguarding reasons) then say I’ll invite you/get you in to the events that are for extended family.

for events this week can you message her for x event we are going to event from friends house - she should go ahead and get a good seat, don’t wait for us etc

or can DH meet and sit with her and you join your friends? Where is he in this situation?

My DH at work he's in meetings most of the afternoon so it not always easy for him to come out of work. The thing is even on the app it said "parents and carers welcome" and that was it so I would of thought she would taken the hint with that.

OP posts:
TheTaupeScroller · 09/12/2025 10:28

She's intruding in events and taking seats that should be reserved for other parents when there's no unlimited space.

Of course she's completely out of order. That's why schools have to issue tickets, to avoid CF filling up rows and not leaving space for actual parents.

BlackCatFanClub · 09/12/2025 10:31

Is there a number limit. At DDs it was 2 adults.
I think it’s fine she comes and honestly by secondary this stuff mostly disappears or is ticketed events.