MIL that invites herself to everything

[Charboo]

This has happend pretty much every time there has been an event at my kids school since they started they have been at this lovely small school for just over a year now. When my DS is now 5 was at private day nursery I used to send pictures of what he was up to and send to my MIL as she liked them and to see what he was upto. However since starting this school they had an app on your phone which I thought was just pictures updating what your child's been doing so I told mil about the app and said I could add her so she could see all the pictures of her grandchildren, stupidly didn't know that it would reveal all the event dates of Christmas fairs, Christingle at the church, celebration assembly, sports days ect and now every time one is announced my mil just invites herself and she's coming to all of Christmas event in the space of three days this week and more the final week when it's hectic. I feel quite annoyed by this as she has done this previously I always get a text saying "I'm coming to sports day", "I'm coming to assembly and I'm bringing so so with me( DH sister) I have made quite a few good friends at the school and I rather have a chat with them then feel like I'm babysitting last year when she insisted on coming to the church with with school, I ended up having to sit with her right at the back in the corner and I wanted to sit with my friends. There's a christingle service tomorrow and I would of looked forward to it, but it has been tainted as she's coming and she lives 40 mins away and the service is only 45 mins and I will be taking the kids home, also she never ever stops talking. I just wish she back off a little bit but then I question my self and think I'm being harsh I don't want to be like that but same time I feel like she's bit overbearing I can't talk to DH because he would feel hurt she's his DM. I just needed to vent as I have no one to really talk to about this situation.

I'd love it if my children had grandparents who wanted to spend time with them, sadly that's not the case. You can't have too many family members around who love your children. Sit with your friends if this is the crux of the issue, otherwise I'd encourage grandparents involvement in my children's' lives, if I had that as an option.

Actually this app seems to be the issue. As others have said, can anyone sign up to it? You said you told her about it and she then gained access. Is it not private? Our requests go via the school for approval and then it is only the parents/guardians who are granted access I believe. Grandparents would only be added if they were the main carer which in your case she isn't. I would be speaking to the school about how they allowed her to join and to explain she does not have any guardianship over the children so shouldn't be on there.

I think some people don’t know what it’s like to have a irritating mother or mother-in-law. Sometimes it’s quite subtle, but it’s there. I know exactly how the OP must be feeling. The mil sounds very presumptuous.

YABU
She’s there because she loves her grandchildren and wants to see them / support their activities. That’s worth its weight in gold.

For you, just start sitting with your friends. You can be polite but you don’t need to babysit her. She’s there to see the GC.

My mum goes to all of the events that I couldn’t (and quite a few we do together) as I can’t often get time off in a school day. My son adores having Granny there and would even share her with other children who couldn’t have anyone come.

she built her own relationship with DS, his friends and some of the other parents / grandparents.

I wish MIL had had the same opportunity but they moved far away when he was 2 and I know she’s sad on what she’s missed.

I’m very much a ‘it takes a village’ person. After both me and my mum were widowed it became even more important that there are plenty of people who love my son and vice versa

I agree with this. My son's school has an App, but it's only for parents, not any random relative who fancies downloading it! My son's secondary school would only give a grandparent access, if the student was living with them and they had guardianship. My only thought is that the OP gave the school permission for her MIL to have access to the App. Surely you then ask the school to remove access, and tell MIL it's now only available for parents. If random relatives can have access, without parental permission, then that shouldn't be allowed.

Completely missing the main topic of this MIL thread but the issue here is more with OP (and other other parents at this school) being able to hand-out login access to a school class app that contains photos of various children.

How lovely. Children can never have too many people to love them.......
OP .... you are being a real entitled misery guts. You sent her the link and it is not surprising she uses this to show her love and support for her GC.
What harm is she doing you? Your child is learning that he has a person who loves him enough to turn out and support him. How lovely for him
I go to all possible GC events at the invitation of my DDs and they invite the other grandma too. My GC, even the teenage lads, welcome me with a hug and thank me for coming. They are being properly brought up and learning respect and kindness. How will your son learn this with your example?

I don’t see the problem, I wish I had family like this but I no longer have, I would do it for my child , it’s not about what you want, I bet your child loves having her there have you ever thought of that.

Have a read on here about parents that have no family and count yourself lucky she’s interested and stop moaning, it’s not about what you want all the time.

If she talks just don't answer, she'll get the hint - Jeez - what an example to set children!

I go to all possible GC events at the invitation of my DDs and they invite the other grandma too.

Yes - you are invited to the events that the family would like you to attend. You don't turn up at every event, and bring other people along with you!

Sometimes it's nice just to do things as your own little family unit.

I go to all possible GC events at the invitation of my DDs

But this is the point. The mil has not been invited. She just presumed she can turn up to everything. I am sure the OP would be happy to invite to some events.

YABU. I'd be thankful that my MIL wanted to be so involved with my child & shows interest in what they're doing. She sounds like a proud Grandma that wants to support her Grandchild. She may want to attend things so she has something to chat to your child about. If she didn't go to things she'd not have much in common or much to chat about with your little one so by attending it gives them both something in common. You can sit where you want. Why not sit with your friends & save your MIL a seat next to you & include her.

I think it's nice that she's so involved, especially as she does not live locally. She's being there for her grandkids. Manj grandparents are not interested.
She thinks as she's been invited, but you, to have access to the app she's then invited to everything.
If it bothers you, ask the school to remove her details. You could always say they'd told you it's just for parents.
Then she'll only be invited to what you ask her to attend.

‘I wanted to sit with my friends’ is this you or the child.

You need to meet some other men. In our extended family, the men are very involved in all this kind of thing. They cook at Christmas and other big occasions, they are friendly and attentive with the in-laws, they make sure they attend school events.

You don't seem to know any good men. Why's that?

Several things here:

1. The OP has effectively invited her by linking her to the app. If she had linked her and said - just look at it but don't come to anything, her position might have been clearer.
2. It is hard to understand why she might not want to invite her anyway for all the reasons that people have stated above. If this is someone she dislikes, then she should not have linked her to the app.
3. The reason given for not wanting her there is that the OP wants to sit with her friends - how does MIL being there stop her doing that? Just sit with friends and when MIL arrives politely introduce her. The friends will think better of her for that than if she just cold shoulders her.
4. Have you asked your son if he likes her coming?
5. What do you think will happen when you become the MIL? What lessons will your child have learned from you? You reap what you sow.

I can see how it's a bit annoying, how about a compromise - get her off the app, but feed her a lower number of events so she can still be involved?

My MIL has FOMO about everything, but I have no problem putting her on an information diet, because she literally froze out her own MIL to the extent that they have no relationship with any of their cousins/aunts etc on that side. We have a decent relationship with her, but my husband did warn me that she'd happily squish out my family entirely.

If I become a mil, I will wait to be invited and then join in enthusiastically and with love. I will not assume I should attend every event. I will not assume that either as a grandmother.

A grandparent sitting with a parent and their school mum friends def alters the dynamic a bit. I would hate to feel that I needed to be ‘babysat’ too. I just don’t see the need for it at every single event!

And I don’t presume to be invited everywhere in my life now. So I won’t do that as a mil either.

Sit with your friends. She's a grown woman and if she's coming for the grandkids shouldn't expect you to entertain/babysit her. Obviously don't blank her completely though.

Travelling 40 mins for a 45 minute service is a bit OTT though, even my own mother would think I've gone bonkers if I suggested she might like to do that!

The non stop talking suggests she hasn't got anyone else to talk to, so sees you as her social life where all the stuff she wants to say comes tumbling out. My MIL is a bit like that, you get her on the phone and she will ramble away about all sorts, but she doesn't invite herself to everything going.

But yes, sit with your friends and if she moans about you not sitting and talking with her, that's a conversation for your DH to have with her. She can't hog you as her complete social life if that means you lose yours, that isn't fair.

I’m shocked at how many people see no problem with someone anyone just constantly inviting themselves to events they are not actually invited to.

If they shared a medical plan would it be ok for her to just rock up to every appointment because it’s on the calendar?

I am talking about on this thread and not in real life, where the men I know, including my own husband, are much more involved in their family life than is evident from this chain.

I think this post sums it up best. I wouldn’t like this at all OP - she maybe means well but it sounds like it is overbearing. Try and get her off the app. Or tell her the school have requested that it’s only parents and guardians that should have the app and ask her to delete it. You can still invite her to things at your own choosing. This would drive me nuts.

I think you’re being massively unreasonable. It’s lovely that she cares enough to turn up to these things. My parents-in-law have never been bothered. You can sit wherever you want, she’s a grown adult, she doesn’t need you to babysit her.

step 1 get her off the app
step 2 tell her she can only come to certain events (eg winter fair, summer fair) as there are limited tickets for other events

honestly kids notice - there was this one in my kids class that in an open classroom event (where it's already crammed with 2 parents per child) that had both parents, 4 grandparents AND the nanny! FFS

Sorry but what!!

You should be pleased she takes an interest .
It is about supporting your child and surely the more people that love him the better ?

Children