To think that if we’re making all this money but not showing it off… what’s the point?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m not saying you have to be tacky but I do sometimes wonder if we work this hard, earn more, level up and still don’t celebrate it or show it in any way… what’s the point? There’s this modern guilt around “boasting” or “showing off,” especially online but honestly, why shouldn’t people wear the designer bag, post the trip or drive the nice car if they earned it? You get told to hustle but then shamed for enjoying the results.

I get that quiet wealth is a thing. But sometimes, I think the visibility is part of the reward. Especially if you come from a background where having anything at all once felt impossible.

AIBU to think that maybe showing off a little isn’t shallow, maybe it’s the point?

I think the key is who you hang out with.

I'm from quite a deprived background and when I (rarely) go back to my home town the disparity in wealth between my family and I is obvious but I try not to mention anything which could be seen as condescending/braggy (I do always pay when we all go out for meals etc but they seem to just expect that anyway :-D).

However, the people we socialise with locally are almost exclusively current or retired ex C suite professionals in massive multinationals, a couple of professors, consultant surgeons etc etc. NOBODY ever shows off or even mentions money except for one guy who ALWAYS wants to tell everyone how rich he is.

We all quietly think he's an insecure knob.

I go on expensive holidays because I enjoy them. Not to post photos on SM. That is just so naff. If people think I'm as poor as a church mouse as I don't flaunt money, I couldn't care less.

I think it is pretty shallow to be showing off your wealth. I prioritise earning well for things that don’t really have much visibility. I grew up relatively poor, no financial safety net and will not inherit a penny by the looks of it. That means I have to work hard to get to a point of financial security. I earn well but I am not wealthy.

I earn a salary FTE of £172k plus bonus and car allowance at the moment. Huge by most people’s standards but the reality is that I don’t see that much of this because I have reduced my hours by 10%, I’m overpaying my mortgage so that I’m mortgage free in my late 40s, I’m paying the max I can into a pension, I’m paying into JISAs for the kids, hope to fully fund university for them both, and give them a house deposit in later life. I hope to retire early-ish at 60 or so. I’m investing to make sure retirement is comfortable and I can still help the kids as I had them late - at 60 my kids will be 19 and 22!

To do this, I live in a terraced house (nice, 4 bed but not flashy). We have one good but not stand out car - not like some of the flashy Audi or 4X4 brigade. I like nice quality clothes and food so I do spend on these but not in a flashy way. No designer things. I like a holiday but again we will be off to campsites in France vs all inclusive Ikos type holidays. I’m happy with this tbh as I find (as a general rule) those focused on ostentatious wealth displays or status are not my people! I have financial freedom and that to me is everything!

@OldLondonDad You have just proved the point that OP is making. Work hard, work clever, be successful and as soon as she want to enjoy life a bit more and then a grumpy bugger comes along and criticises you.

Do what you want, enjoy your money if you have it, but showing off is tacky af.

I think there's a very big gap between "visibility" and "boasting", so it's a bit hard to tell what you're talking about. Owning lovely things that people can see is "visible" and no big deal. Constantly bringing up how many nice, expensive things you own is quite naff, very tedious, and probably a downer for a lot of people.

I'm not really sure what specific behaviours you mean by "visibility".

The issue isn’t enjoying the proceeds of your hard work.

The issue is when displaying your wealth is the purpose of the behaviour. I have a very big house, not to display that I can afford it but because I had 6 DC 4 of whom weren’t allowed to share rooms.

I wear a particular brand of shoes (expensive by my standards) because they don’t hurt my feet like most shoes do.

I don’t buy more expensive items to display them, but because they have features I need.

No one is asking you to take the tags and labels off. Just that buying expensive to demonstrate that you can, is pointless bragging.

Enjoy your money however you like but the showing off but suggests you would like to use it to impress others which is embarrassing.

It's really uncomfortable when you meet people who derive self esteem from material wealth and you feel compelled to participate in admiring their pointless consumerism so that they don't feel crushed by your indifference.

People who have wealth and enjoy luxury goods without the fanfare are not uncomfortable to be around.

For me having money us mainly about comfort and security. I'm not afraid to spend it but it's not to show off, it's to be comfortable. It isn't necessary to flash things around or always spend as much as you can afford to "send a message". In fact I'd rather live fairly modestly and keep quiet about how much we have. If people think you have money they will always want you to share it!

A friend quizzed me a while ago about mortgage payments and I was truthful and said it was all paid off. She was horrified and exclaimed why are you living here then (nice 5 bed townhouse/semi). We love our house and it's exactly right for us. In fact once the kids leave it will be too big. But friend thinks you should always get the biggest and best house you can possibly afford the mortgage for. No thanks.

Same with my old, basic car. No finance, cheap as chips to run, does what I need. If I was really into cars I'd get something flasher but I'm just not interested for the sake of impressing other people.

Man, late stage capitalism has really got you.

Try and stop caring what you're supposed to do and just do what you want to.

For me, the point has been buying our home and making mortgage payments. Hopefully my children will never experience being evicted due to a landlord selling, watching a parent struggle to find new accommodation, face possible homelessness or live in insecure housing. Hopefully they'll be able to follow their dreams, even if that means additional studying or unpaid/low paid internships/work experience placements, because they'll have parents who can afford to give them choices rather than needing them to pay their way. They'll have opportunities that many take for granted, but which not all kids have, like swimming lessons, hobbies which require the purchase/hire of equipment and driving lessons.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_Rich

Your argument is illogical. There is a whole spectrum between showing off enjoying what you earned and austerity,

we would be fortunately considered affluent, I assume you can tell from the house we live in, the quality of the clothes we wear, or the cars we drive. But we don’t sit and show off or post pictures of it on line. You have to see us, interact with us, know us, to get a sense. If asked If we are going on holiday we say yes and where, we don’t go on about it being 5 star and butlers, the food we ate or drinks we had. We may post a generic image of the beach or someghing. We don’t wander round with designer labels visible on our clothes. Nor do we drive crap cars, live in a small house or wear cheap clothes to hide it, we simply do us.

i simply don’t see how it is pick between either show off enjoying or live in austerity. You can enjoy and not show off.

i also grew up poor, so have empathy with those struggling , the visibility is not remotely part of the reward for me as it is for you.

you need to get to the stage in life where you grow up, and not want to impress other people, or make them jealous. That you can just do you. Without needing an audience to validate it.

I don’t think it is necessarily showing off though, to do or have nice things. Using an example from the OP, simply driving a nice car isn’t showing off. Posting all over social media about how expensive your car is would be showing off.

There's nothing wrong at all with enjoying the privileges and ease that money can bring you. But if you're focused on making sure others know what you have - 'showing off', as you put it - it might be a good idea to contemplate why you need others to know. Is it to feel superior over them? Do you crave the validation of others and are unable to give that to yourself?

True contentment comes from within, it isn't dependent on the opinions of others. If you need others to give it to you, something's missing in you that you would feel better for fixing. Something to think about.

I didn't grow up with much. We'd definitely have been in the 1 in x families can't afford presents, 1 in x mum's goes hungry so she can afford to heat the home category. And now I'm doing absolutely fine.

The point is that I'm financially stable. My kids will never know what it's like to worry about if there's enough food to eat. I can invest in quality that lasts. We can have holidays without compromise and not worry if the oven breaks or the kids lose something expensive. We will be able to give them the financial backup as adults that we didn't have.

I don't understand the point of showing off. I don't care what other people think. My enjoyment in a luxury holiday is the holiday, not the social media pictures. I want a quality handbag that lasts - I don't need a designer one.

If you enjoy showing off, that's fine, enjoy. But it is definitely not the only point.

No idea, my whole life has been about scraping by, robbing Petra to pay Pauline so conspicuous consumption or restrained luxury is not something that I have ever had to consider.

Buy the nice stuff, use it and enjoy it, just don’t bring it up first in conversation. Life is short so yes, enjoy the fruits of your labour but do it for you not for social media. The people who surround you will notice, leave it to them whether it’s commented on or not.

Because you should enjoy it for yourself. Why would you feel the need to show others your wealth by filming and photographing your purchases and putting them on social media? That’s a sign that the pleasure isn’t purely in having the items for your own use snd appreciation, but that there’s an element of wanting others to admire and envy them too. Quite frankly, happy people don’t feel any need to do this. I think the happiest people in life tend to not give a shit about having designer bags and leather car interiors. We have a lot of disposable income and I couldn’t give a monkeys about having a Hermes bag or posting my holidays tbh. I’m not very impressed with anyone who posts a picture of their designer bag on their Merc AMG car seat - I think they are a knob!

Don't feed the AI bots...

I find the idea of wanting to show off your wealth very odd tbh. Having and enjoying nice things is perfectly fine, but actively wanting other people to notice purely so they can tell you are wealthy is an unpleasant attitude that I’m thankful not to encounter too often.

So basically what you want to de-shame is the ability for people to say “look how much money I’ve got! I don’t need to worry anymore!”.

Do you honestly, seriously think the reaction from anyone but your mum (maybe?) would be anything other than (1) jealousy (or is this what you want?) (2) distaste at how crass you’re being (3) repulsion that you may be hurting other people who are struggling (4) indifference?

Buy your things and enjoy them. It will always be a bad idea to “show off” - or make your things “visible” as you put it.

We spend our money on things WE enjoy and that we value, and don't give a toss about "showing off" or the image we convey to others.

I can't understand the mentality of anyone buying things for "showing off" to others - it all seems very childish to me.

If WE want something WE value, then we buy it. It never even enters our heads what other people may think!

I certainly have friends with the income/wealth to do things, who find the need to 'explain away' how they are able to do it.

So, one paid for their child's university fees -- oh that was money the grandparents paid. (PS not a financially wise decision!)

Another went to Antarctica -- was left some money to pay for it (yeah, but you already have 3 homes so could afford it).

I've been very fortunate financially but most of our spending is not particularly visible, mainly because I'm not on SM. We enjoy our money and spend a lot on holidays and trips but if you don't post it anywhere or mention it, then most people have no idea. A lot of money goes into long term investments so dcs won't have to worry about uni fees or housing but I never discuss that with anyone.
I don't spend much on handbags as I find leather too heavy these days (I just use a Uniqlo nylon bag) and don't use a car as the tube is quicker and easier.