Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

“Maybe one day they’ll want their dad”

or maybe one day their dad will want them?? Is that not a much, much more accurate picture of what is happening here OP?

It seems like she hasn't. So all her hand-wringing is just performative. She hasn't actually had them in the house since July. She hasn't actually stepped up one iota since their mother died. That's presumably what her cunt of a 'D'H is bitching about.

Who decided. Your OP insinuated you & H made the decision through covid because of your work. Stop playing the victim. That is something you’re most definitely not. Your H is useless but you are making it mighty difficult to have any meaningful contact. Someone suggests something & you still bend it so he spends no more than a couple of hours with them. By all means prioritise your children. However don’t expect him to prioritise one group of kids over another. The fact is one set did need priority and they where egregiously let down

They live in a 5 bedroom massive house with their Nanna and Grandad who adore them. They go on holiday multiple times a year, have great days out and a wonderful support system on that side of the family. I can't bring their Mum back, I wish I could, the fact their daughter was living at the grandparents house who did all the parents evenings, and any other school activities tells them what active roles they've always had on their grand children's lives, all the school runs and drop off round friends houses, they've got an extremely close bond with them and always have had.
Obviously it would be great if we had a 5 bedroom house, but we don't, we didn't forsee this happening. Anyway I think I see a little way forward so who knows it might get better

and when my kids have had enough we can go and leave him there with his kids, who as you rightly say don't want me or their siblings so it doesn't matter if we're there or not

You sound like an absolute, pathetic martyr. It is NOT about you or your kids. You genuinely cannot even see it now despite everyone saying the same thing. It doesn't matter whether you or your kids are uncomfortable for a few hours every other week.

And I'm not surprised they don't "want their dad". He's never been there for them. Even when their only other parent died. If he actually does step up now then fair play to him (although I highly doubt it, particularly since you posted over 2 years ago on here about him being useless and never seeing his kids).

Do you believe all these things are some kind of acceptable replacement for a loving mother and father??

Do you??

Actually think it’s disgusting. People re trying to say OP can’t you see how hard it must be for these children to have no dad and now no mum either and her response is

”they have a 5 bedroom house. I would love a 5 bedroom house.”

In what fucking world does a teenager care how many bedrooms are in the house?? They want their actual parents to give a shit about them.

Would you be happy for your kids to be left with his parents to live if you died and co aider their existence great if that happened?

My husband's ex decided we couldn't see the kids during COVID because I was too risky working in a care home. Me and my husband wouldn't have stopped as we trusted they didn't come into contact with many people.
I don't mind how long HE spends with them and right now I honestly don't care because of it get too much me and the younger 2 can make our excuses, and that should work for everyone

This about sums it up. You expect the stepkids to put the effort into building a relationship with you and your kids - even though they are CHILDREN - despite the fact that, really, why the fuck should they? What have you ever done for them? You're just the woman their invisible dad married.

You're also the adult though - not that you can tell that from your posts - so you're the one who needs to work on creating a happy life for your stepkids. You need to make them look forward to seeing you and your very spoiled sounding children, instead of seeing it as a chore. They don't owe YOU anything.

But you haven't even seen them once since their mum died, have you? The only reason you're on here is to hear the answers you want to hear to reinforce whatever wholly invented narrative you've created for justifying continuing to do nothing for them.

Are you being serious?! You think that they live a "comfortable" lifestyle because they're in a 5 bedroom house and go on holiday?!?!

These children will have been damaged beyond belief by their mum dying at such a young age!!! And added to that their dad wanting fuck all to do with them and moving on with another woman and having more kids.

I actually don't believe this is real anymore. Nobody can be this cruel and cold....

Let’s see. You got together three years before COVID, and she is 9.

So at best she was a newborn and you were meant to be the rebound fling then?

Also the fact granny was doing everything underlines how she**e their dad is

Exactly & not like all the stuff they watch isn’t repeated endlessly all the time. Like missing an episode of eastenders back in the day. It’s not gone to never be seen again. I’ve never known anyone to put so little thought into how big it is to lose a parent

He didn't fight it. He happily let his 4 and 8 yr old kids go for months. Horrific

What is the point in your husband OP? What is he actually bringing to the table either as a father or as a partner? He sounds like dead weight. You're going to burn out, your kids are going to grow up knowing their dad is a shit.

Me and my husband wouldn't have stopped as we trusted they didn't come into contact with many people.

Err... you were at high risk of getting COVID as a care worker and their mum wanted to minimise their household risk to herself and kids, especially as the burden would have been solely on her if she or they got COVID.

I don't expect them to put any effort in if I'm honest. I don't expect them to engage with my kids, they won't. Their Dad has been trying to build a relationship with them since their mum died, I felt it was more important he steps up and talks to them on his own without me and younger siblings. You don't know me so I don't take anything you say personally. In all honesty I don't really know why I came on here

Neglect can't coexist with love.

Your husband is neglectful and you are obstructive.

This. The OP says they got together just over 3 years before COVID so 2016 / 2017 latest.

And he has a 9 year old (born in 2016 presumably).

I don't believe for one second she wasn't the OW and that she hasn't been trying to get rid of these kids since day one.

Oh and plenty of women get together with useless men without giving a shit about the fact that said useless men ditch their children in the process. In fact it’s rather convenient for them when they do.

And this is the second waster you’ve been with isn’t it? In fact, the fact your son’s father apparently gave up on him should surely have been a bit of a warning to you as to the kind of man you were getting together with. But it seems not.

You do know he’s going to leave you too don’t you?

And then your children won’t see him for dust.

How many more children will you (and him) create between the to of you, and with how many more deadbeats?

Obviously it would be great if we had a 5 bedroom house, but we don't, we didn't forsee this happening.

You didn't foresee him having 2 children who may potentially have to come and live with you at some point? Even though he had them when you got together...?

Or you decided that your kids were more important and fuck his.

Have you seen them at all since their mum died? Have they been inside your house even once since then?

May have got my years wrong, it was the back end of 2018 as his youngest was 2

To be fair to OP, she did suggest getting an extension and waste of skin DH said “nah”